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March 29, 2004 | by  | in Film |
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(Classic Film Review) Debbie Does Dallas

When I realised that there are only two people who ever read my classic film columns (Mum, stop reading now), I thought I’d try the oldest trick in the book to increase readership. This review will probably end up being a masturbatory (probably the wrong choice of word) account of my embarrassment of getting this video out, but it’s surprising how many of your mates are willing to help you out when your “research” involves porn (to facilitate in the understanding of this review we shall call a couple of them, “Gareth Prosser” and “Andy Moonlight”)

So is this movie any good? Does it deserve its status in the pantheon of porn? This film was first recommended by my fifth form history teacher (I still don’t know what this had to do with the causes of World War Two…). I was intrigued, is Dallas a person? (no) Well, there is a plot. Kind of. It’s shattering in its realism – tan lines, cellulite, hair (it was the 70s) – which leads me to wonder, is porn a type of documentary? There’s moments of surrealism (where did that telephone come from on the tennis court? Clothes somehow disappear oh so quickly) It is also the prototype for so many porn clichés – corny dialogue, unbelievable situations, the “playing-hard-to-get” attitude of many of the characters. And it all ends rather anti-climactically with a climax.

Why is porn so bad? Sure it’s objectifying and misogynistic, but so is modern society. No-one would complain if I did reviews of so-called classics like Gone With the Wind or Pretty Woman, yet they’re incredibly sexist.

Is it because it seems to be the domain of seedy old men? I say cast off those raincoats of shame, there’s nothing wrong with sex. If there were no sex, we probably wouldn’t even be scum-sucking bacteria in an overheated ocean. As human beings we cannot deny our attraction to anything sexual. There’s only so many times that you can pretend the channel accidentally switched onto a Britney Spears video. The fact that you have got this far into this review, suggests so too.

Director: Who cares?
United States

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

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