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March 15, 2004 | by  | in News |
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The Oscars™

Eskimos have, according to your illustrious editor at 9pm in a nigh-on empty Salient office, “about a bajillion” words for snow. I’m willing to bet that the shades of white on parade at the 2004 Oscars™ would have challenged their vocabulary. There was flouncy white, there was slinky white, there was barely-there white, white white white as far as the camera could see. And not just on the women. Oh no. So many of the men got into the act, that what the 2004 Oscars really resembled was one of those expensive but mostly tasteless weddings that takes place at a country club. So let’s break the ceremony down thus. There were:

The Brides
Yep, there were a few of these. Angelina Jolie, in a long-skirted, elegant gown with a plunging halter-necked bodice was the kind of bride who gets married in a church but walks down the aisle to Robbie Williams. Classic yet modern, conservative yet sexy, this is one of my picks of the night. Renee Zellweger looked the picture of the 21st century bride in a sleek, unfussy, strapless number – until she turned around and revealed to the cameras a train and, worse, BUTT BOW that belied the Diana’s wedding side of this princess gown. Sandra Bullock’s layered number looked great on her, and she (unlike many of her colleagues) really has the colouring for true white – this is the bride with the foresight to sunbed in the preceding weeks. Charlize Theron bore the closest resemblance to a second-time-around, independently wealthy bride in her spangly number. Hands-down worst of the bridal bunch was Uma Thurman. It might be the result of her recent split from Ethan Hawke, it might be her usual bohemian sensitivities shining through – but really, it doesn’t matter. There’s no excuse for this. If I was being kind I’d say it was “Asian influenced”, but really it’s just a shapeless, flouncy number that does this beautiful woman no justice.

The Groom
Upon accepting the award for cinematography, Russell Boyd was wearing a black suit and a white bowtie. ‘Nuff said.

The Maid of Honour
Marcia Gay Harden, hands down. Purple, suspiciously velvet looking dress. Hair more conducive to a 6th form ball (or a cousin’s wedding) than an awards ceremony. Extremely heavily pregnant. I mean, I know she can’t help the pregnancy thing (well, in fact she can, and FPA gives out condoms for free, dontcha know) but at least take a leaf out of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ book. Tip for the future: big hair does not a big stomach hide.

The Best Man/Groomsmen
Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey. Black suits, white shirts, white ties.

The Bridesmaids
with a Mean Vindictive Bride
As opposed to the bridesmaids with the kind sweet bride who would not, of course, dress her gorgeous best friends in things that made them look terrible. Falling under this heading are Jennifer Garner, in a frankly heinous orange one-shouldered sack, Catherine Zeta-Jones in an unflattering shape, cut out of a material that bore too close a resemblance to snakeskin for my liking, and Scarlett Johansson, whose evil bride viciously dressed her beautiful blonde friend in green, and gave it a skirt that made her look like a mermaid.

The Bridesmaids
with the Kind Sweet Bride
Nicole Kidman’s dove-grey gown with a magnificently fitted bodice and stunning choker absolutely belongs in this category. A bit of flounce at the bottom, but she’s tall enough to pull it off. Julia Roberts’ bride was being conservative with the colour, but the detailing really made for a lovely dress. And, let’s face it, the gathered front and plunging neckline made the most of her rack. This is the kind of bridesmaid who will totally score a groomsman at the reception. Hopefully not Jim Carrey, though. Jamie Lee Curtis should probably be mentioned here also… that’s a lotta cleavage for an older woman, but she pulled it off (figuratively) and the deep sky blue colour was one of the best of the night.

Mother of the Bride
Oprah. Resplendent in metallic green, this MOTB sported a horizontal collar, a full skirt and a big-ass train. Nice.

Father of the Bride
Robin Williams. Like seriously, what is that? A bathrobe? Maybe better described as father of the bride the morning after.

The Flower Girl
Our very own Keisha Castle-Hughes. Her bride went for the traditional mini-bride floor length white dress, creating a point of difference with a sheer white short cape. Not too sexy for young girl, but not too babyish either.

The Manhattan Evening Wedding Guests
That means, they’re in black. Susan Sarandon’s had a great fringed skirt and an interesting, if somewhat revealing, a-symmetrical top. Liv Tyler’s dress was fine, but her black choker, severe up-do and heavily-framed glasses, which she annoyingly kept taking on and off, made her look like a1950s Barbie. Sofia Copolla’s was the pick of the night for me. Unflouncy apart from a touch of frill at the back, this winner sported a demure v-neck, sleek, unfussy hair and understated makeup. Now there’s a girl who knows how to dress for an event without stealing the bride’s thunder.

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