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April 26, 2004 | by  | in News |
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Think of the Children

We have major concerns about today’s TV. What are our leaders of the future going to be like, if their ex-parte parents leave them in the hands of our current television programmes? To start with, a recent episode of Spongebob Square Pants involved a “panty raid”. Yes, they went into a woman’s underwear drawer and took panties. Do we really want a generation of cross dressers? Please think of the children.

Next on our list of adult inspired, blatantly destructive programmes is that ‘80s great, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In the new reincarnation the kids are being exposed to a fraudulent attempt at a past great. In today’s episode we saw what can only be described as a blasphemic action towards our holy turtles. You do not shorten their names. In other words Donatello is not Don. He never was and never will be Don. End of story. Where is Shredder? He is the schizum monkey jizzum. His absence is like having sex without an orgasm – a waste of fucking time. And while we are at it, what’s up with April? What happened to her yellow coat? And how can she change from having orange hair to red? If she has had to dye her hair does that tell us that natural beauty is not enough? Can someone please think of the children?

Thirdly, we come to a multi-generation great, Sesame Street. What’s up with the politically correct namby-pamby Open Sesame? You cannot tell us under any situation that there was a valid reason for the change. If you say that it was a bad influence on the children when it comes to street safety, get a fucken life. If parents did their job right, there would be no problem. The parents are being hypocritical anyway. It’s been going so long that when they were children it was in the old format. Are they going to say that they are fucked up because of it? Bring back Ernie and Bert. Jim Henson would be rolling in his grave. And please someone look out for the children.

And while you are at it, BRING BACK BUCK (and Christian)

As for Transformers Armada, this is simply put, a really runny, smelly piece of excrement. Everybody knows the home base of the Decepticons is South Auckland, not the moon. And who the fuck thought of the shit idea to make Megatron a ship not a gun? Also, what about those pea-brained mini-cons? Where is the wheel-bound Chip? And what is up with this pretentious, pompous, piece of shit obsession with explaining every little piece of action done during the programme? Surely today’s kids are not that stupid. Please think of them.

A programme that simply wanted to introduce children to the fine art of gymnastics and bad acting caused one of the most outrageous politically motivated witch-hunts. The programme we are talking about is, of course, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Pretentious do-gooding bureaucrats, who as you know, banned this programme, in New Zealand and other countries, thinking they were being helpful but simply had ”Political Correctness” tattooed on and rammed up their arses like a good Crème Egg. Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh present a more violent picture of the world than this programme ever did. Power Rangers went beyond sad and became funny. And before you ram another poor crème egg up your arse, would you please think of the children.

Road Runner though, being the greatest children’s show ever made (it transcended just children’s programming and became universal) was banned because the stupidity of the coyote deemed it to be the most violent programme on TV in its day. You can imagine what happened, ‘nuf said. The Mad Beer Drinking Fulla, in a withdrawal symptom-like haze caused by missing out on an episode of Road Runner, went outside and caused grievous bodily harm to his foot with the aid of a rake. Enough said. This is too depressing to think of. Think of the children.

Finally, What Now? has been ruined by political correctness. What is not politically correct about What Now? now? They got rid of the gunge machine, and “fill your pants”, they sent Thingy home because Thingy is not a politically correct name (those bloody Murphys!). The What Now? name has been desecrated by the weekday WNTV and its inferior product. The job turnover rate on What Now? means that just as the presenters are getting worthy of carrying the What Now? name, they leave. Bring back Simon Barnett, and please, please, you pretentious SOB’s, think of the children.

In conclusion, today’s children’s programmes have lowered themselves to such a disgraceful level that they make Coro look good, and god is that sad. Also, if you think we are writing this to protect our combined future pension you are…

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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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