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February 14, 2005 | by  | in Features |
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Salient ’05’s Student Yellow Pages

Wellington, your new home, is fairly teeming with the kind of stuff you need to make your university experience complete. But how do you know how to find it? Because no mainstream reference publication lists where to find babes, fame or G-spots, Emily Braunstein, Geoff Brischke, Brannavan Gnanalingham, Keith Ng and Joe Sheppard figured it out for you, and came up with a list of other random things you might want to find in Wellington. Here it is, alphabetized.

And yeah, we know, only one of the pages is yellow. But you get the idea.

A
Absinthe: ‘The Green Fairy’, an alcohol with a wormwood infusion. Contains thujone, a mild nuerotoxin, that tends to make folks go a little nuts. Definitely worth the risk, Jet Bar, corner of Courtenay and Allen St.
All-day breakfasts: Wellington is the café capital, and almost all of them do some kind of break fast food until at least the mid-afternoon. Among our favourites: Mr Bun does all-day breakfast from an obscenely early hour, Epic on Willis Street has really good food (and really hot staff), and they do a 2-for-1 deal on Mondays, Fidel’s on upper Cuba St is just awesome anyway, and always gives you extra maple syrup with your pancakes if you ask for it.
Asian markets: There are a few throughout the city but the best and biggest is A-Mart, 100 Cable St. across from Chaffers New World. Most of their products are not labeled in English so bring along an Asian or, you know, be Asian yourself.
Assassins: The Black Ninja Fighting Force can be a tough group to locate, but they should be able to handle all your low- to mid-level assassination work. However, if you get on their bad side, your only hope is to find the mysterious White Ninja.

B
Babes: Oriental beach, at least while the weather is nice; failing that, you might want to try the maternity ward at Wellington Hospital. At varsity, we’d recommend the Salient office.
Barbers: See if you can find a topic that Scottish Dave can’t chew your ear off about on the top floor of the James Smiths’ markets. Paddy’s on Courtney Place does the job, although it’s a pity about all the photos of dead animals. Both will give you change from a twenty. Also cheap: Swan Barbers on Bond St. Babaco on the Terrace will do beards, and they have Playstation and Sky Sport!
Boy racers: If you’re actually interested in finding this item, we suggest the Open Polytechnic of New Zealand. You’d probably make a wonderful beautician.
Burgers: Feedback (by the Basin Reserve), J&Ms (if three in the morning), Texarkana (all the way out in Silverstream but oh so good. Someone once ate a live cicada to get half a free one), The Fish n Chips store in Island Bay (next to Burger Wisconsin ironically), München Burgers on Cuba – not to all tastes, but many swear by it (ex-Listener columnist Steve Braunias for one).
Buses: A website to plan your journey from A to B for you, giving you all of the possible routes: http://busandtrainnetwork.gw.govt.nz. Ace!

C
Celebrities: Matterhorn, Motel, Good Luck Bar – all the expensive bars. Hotel Intercontinental where a number of famous people stay if in town. Or if your life is really that pathetic, New Idea, Woman’s Day etc
Cheap videos: Civic Video (Cannons Creek, Johnsonville, Courtenay Place, Kelburn, Karori, Porirua) has $1 days on Tuesday and Wednesday.
Coffee: There are so many cool cafés around that you have no excuse, ever, to resort to Starbucks. Our favourites include Aro Café, Aro St, Midnight Espresso, Cuba St, Deluxe, Kent Tce, Fidel’s, Cuba St, Espressoholic, Courtenay Pl and the CD Store café, Lambton Quay. On campus, Galleria. If you’re a filthy smoker, Fidel’s and Espressoholic are particularly good. On campus, try the Quad.
Contraceptives: While “pull ‘n’ pray” is the preferred method of some, remember that there should be no hubba-hubba if you are lacking in rubbas. Family Planning on Victoria St gives them away for free! For other contraceptive advise, see the friendly (and discreet) staff at Student Health, ph 463 5308 (Kelburn & Te Aro campuses), 924 2037 (Karori) or 463 7474 (Pipitea).
Courtenay Quarter: RTD’s, STI’s, VIP’s, BYO’s and SOB’s
Cuba Quarter: The bohemian, hippie magnet of the city. Op-shops, run-down housing, recreational drug use, hobos, and a generally colorful place to spend your time. No Wellington experience is complete without it.
Curries: Taste Buds, upstairs in Cuba Mall, is an undiscovered curry paradise. They do a good cheap lunch deal and are great for a quiet meal away from the crowds. Mughlai Curry Corner on Willis St has some of the best curry around, but only does takeaways. Roti on Willis St has the best roti in town, while Siem Reap on Victoria St does a wicked Thai curry, and is good value for lunch (though it tends to get quite crowded).

D
Detox: See All-Day Breakfasts. If you need heavy-duty stuff, you could try the Salvation Army-run Wellington Bridge Centre in Newtown. Talking about God is always much cooler when you’re high, anyway…
Driving ranges: Premier Stadium Golf, located, funnily enough, in the WestpacTrust Stadium (or “Cake Tin”) is indoors and has 13 driving bays and an indoor sand bunker, if that’s your thing. The outdoor one at Silverstream is pretty good too; take the train to Silverstream and it’s right across the road. You might have to walk through some sheep to get to the range but hey, that’s New Zealand! And you can go to Texarkana while you’re there (see Burgers).

E
Eggs: Good deals on eggs can be found at the Sunday vegetable market in the carpark across from Cumberland House.
Emily Braunstein: Salient’s Editress can almost always be found in her office on the 2nd floor of the Student Union Building. Or you can call her, on 463 6767, or email her on <emily [at] salient.org.nz>. She’s nice. Good conversation openers include “Here, have some chocolate”, “I’ll pay you to run my story” and “Do you know what I hate? MISPLACED APOSTROPHES”.
Employment: Student Job Search, bottom of the Student Union Building, have just about every job you never really wanted to do, but they are always good for a bit of fast-cash work in a pinch, Otherwise, you can stand on the street until someone takes pity on you (or potentially picks you up…).

F
Fame: The letter pages of Salient. But beware it is fleeting – Yule Sukwhooff???
Flatmates: A good start is Wednesdays and Saturdays in the Dom Post classified section. At 12 Kelburn Parade, the Vic Accommodation Services sieve through most of the tedious but crucial details for you, plus they have a map! If café and supermarket bulletin boards aren’t for you, try one of the online services, e.g. http://www.finda.co.nz, but remember that they aren’t always updated very efficiently. You can also place ads on notice boards around varsity, or look for other people’s ads on them.
Fruit: Sunday vegetable market in the carpark across from Cumberland House.
Furniture: Try the ‘Trade and Exchange’ magazine that comes out weekly on Thursday. Or go to a party at a friend’s flat, ply them with alcohol and leave with a couch. Alternatively, there are many outlying suburbs in Wellington where front lawns are veritable treasure troves of second-hand sublimity.

G
G-spot: A mythical place that doesn’t actually exist – much like Doggie Heaven, Neverland and the Commerce Library.
Graveyards: Mount Street Cemetery, next to the Student Union Building, favourite hangout of poets, potheads and dead people. See if you can’t find the crypt, then you can sneak away during the day and get HIGH, won’t that be a hoot!
Gyms: If you’re into labels, Les Mills are on Taranaki St and The Terrace, but remember, you’ll have to pay Les Mills prices. Uni students should check out the Rec Centre and also Club K, opposite Hunter on Salamanca Rd. For a no-boys-allowed, club housy kind of feel, Contours are on Tory St.

H
Heroin: this is a clean city but if you get really desperate the office of Geremy Jreenbrook always has a plentiful supply.
Herbal highs: Cosmic Corner on 215 Cuba St. has a wide selection of legal party highs, but everywhere I turn I also see the CityStop pusher carts around the city during the weekend
Hostels: Cumberland, Helen Lowry Hall (far, far away in Karori), McKenzie’s, Stafford House, University Hall, Victoria House, Wai-Te-Ata, Weir House
Hospitals: The hospital is in Newtown, and if you can’t walk there, then you really should call 111 for an ambulance. The after-hours medical centre is also in Newtown.
If you are on the run from the law and need to avoid legitimate medical establishments, you can purchase medical kits from the travel pharmacy, which come with a range of supplies along with handy instructions. (Note: Salient does not endorse surgery in university bathrooms. But if you are going to do it, the loos up in Laby are really nice. Salient recommends Kristov 66 as the official “running-from-the-man-and-need-to-take-a-dozen-bullets-out-of-ass-with-rusty-spoon” disinfectant).

I
Immigration office: If you’ve procrastinated on renewing your stay in the EnZed, the immigration office at the bottom of Cuba St. no longer processes Student Visas on-site. Applications must now be filed through Victoria or mailed directly to NZIS
Ice cream: During the summer, the gelato stand in Frank Kitt’s Park can’t be beat. For other seasons, we recommend Copenhagen in the Reading Cinema complex. A little pricey, but oh so good. Tip: go for the one downstairs, not the one at the candy bar, and then you get to put on your own toppings! I sure scream for that…

J
Jesus (inner-city churches): Vic’s Anglican and Catholic chaplaincies are located on Kelburn Parade. There are several Christian groups on campus; watch Salient’s notices page for details. When Geoff goes looking for Jesus, he tries the bottom of a bottle of bourbon. So far no luck, but we’ll keep you posted.
Jews : Not only is the Editress a woman, but she is also Jewish. Cue: blah blah blah oppressed minority.
Jungle fever: The zoo is up in Newtown. The perfect place for a date or if you want to see monkeys doing it.
Jewellery: Rich people. And in their houses. Or you could go cheap and make your own at Beadz. Guys, you can make a ‘heartfelt’ gift for that special girl and, though it’ll only cost about four dollars and a half an hour of your time, it’ll be worth its weight in hot lovin’. 2 Manners St.
Jude Urlich (explain who she is and details of office): Jude is Victoria University’s Director of Public Relations. She loves hearing from students! If there’s something going on that she should know about, email her on <jude.urlich [at] vuw.ac.nz> or pop into her office at 313 Hunter.

K
K2: Himalayas, Nepal, take a left at Everest, can’t miss it, huge mountain. Or rent out K2: The WIDOWMAKER. Because that would be wicked fun.
Karaoke: Club K is a Wellington institution (opposite City Stop on Courtenay Place), Taste of Korea (you can get private rooms), Steamboat (upstairs top of Courtenay Place opposite The Establishment). However stay away if you hear Eternal Flame blaring out from Club K.
Kebabs: Most people will tell you Hadi Gari is the bestest kebab place in the whole world (or at least outside of Turkey). Especially at 3am. And it is. Other favourites include Cuba Kebab, Phoenician Falafel (cool Iraqi-style kebabs), Abrakebabra… there’re plenty around.

L
Labour Party: Where the Workers are. Or where the Chardonay is flowing. Salient whole-heartedly endorses telling political parties what you think of them. Contact the Labour Party on 384 7649 or email <labour [at] labour.org.nz>
Ladies of the night: If any of you need to buy some services, then you’re really not making the most of your university experience. But if you must, then you must–the Red Light district of Wellington is centered around Marion Sq., Cuba and Vivian St.
Laser Force: In the Time Out up the top of Courtenay Place. There’s nothing cooler than running around with lasers. Except maybe if they were in saber form.

M
Magazines: Magnetix in Midland Park is close enough to the Pipitea Campus, but it’s Vic Books or that shop next to gay old Man to Man on Willis Street for the Kelburnians. Graphic (a.k.a. Comics Compulsion) in Cuba Mall is really the only place for comics, hooray!
Magic Mushrooms: Luckily these can be found in Makara. Take the #12 Karori Park as far as you can go. Get off at the end and follow the road until it comes to a fork. Take the left and half-way up the hill on your right you’ll see a substation. Behind that, my hallucinogenic horticulturalist – mushrooms!
Mee goreng: Best mee goreng is to be found at Satay Village on Ghuznee St – not to be confused with Satay Kingdom at Left Bank (off Cuba Mall), which is not as good, but okay nonetheless.
Museums: Head down to the waterfront and look for the biggest eyesore – that’s called Te Papa, our national museum. It’s not far from the Museum of Wellington City and Sea, which I’ve heard isn’t completely retarded. And how about the Cable Car Museum, located in a museum-like location at the top of the Cable Car?

N
National Party: Where the Workers are not. Or where the scotch is flowing. Salient whole-heartedly endorses telling political parties what you think of them. Contact the National Party on <feedback [at] national.org.nz>
News: Front section of Salient, every week.

O
Oggling spots: the Quad, by the Bucket Fountain on Cuba St, Midland Park.
Oil: The Middle East. Not Wellington.

P
P: Go out in face masks and avoid the exchange of body fluids. There’s an epidemic apparently. Anyway P is soooo last year.
Pizza: Red Tomatoes on Upland Road still offers student deals on Mondays. Connoisseurs always seem to jones for Pizza Pomodoro in Leeds Street, behind the thankfully closed (for now) Fat Ladies Arms. The Salient crew are also big fans of Bogart’s in Brooklyn.
Porn: If the ’net’s out of the question, you don’t know what you’re missing. Still, the arse-end of Cuba St. is well stocked with stroke-mags. For the under-aged and cheap, a hint: most dairies have to get rid of stock that doesn’t sell somehow….Public toilets: There’s plenty around – McDonald’s, Burger King (especially Courtney Place), Reading, Old Bank Arcade, side alleyways. Anything except the Council ones of course.

Q
Queers: Check Salient’s notices page for details of the Vic chapter of UniQ.
Quiz nights: Tuesday night’s the night, and almost every pub in Wellington runs one. Particularly good venues include The Black Harp on Featherston St, Speight’s Ale House on Tinakori Rd and of course our very own Eastside.

R
Radio stations : Favourites among students include 91ZM (91FM on your dial) for pop and Kiwi FM (formerly Channel Z) at 91.7FM. 783 AM Access Radio, if you’re looking for something truly different. If you agree that there are no good radio stations left in Wellington, email James Robinson: <james [at] salient.org.nz>
Road cones: Accidentally left on the road by council workers, who are generally grateful if responsible citizens (like your fine self) would take them off the streets on their way home. Salient has it from a reliable source that the workers constructing the Wellington Bypass would particularly like it if you would pick up a couple of their cones.
Rubbish, places to dump: Jeremy Greenbrook’s office. There’s also a tip out in Happy Valley. Shallow graves are also very popular
Running, places to go: Oriental Bay and the Waterfront are soooo clichéd. But they’re nice. Other recommended places include the town belt, Mt Victoria, Karori, anywhere really. It’s a good way to explore the city.

S
Salient: On every one of Vic’s campuses, every Monday during term-time. Also in selected cafes, shops and theatres downtown.
Second-hand shops: You will need a car to carry your quarry from the Savemarts in Wallaceville and Waitangirua though – and to get there. In general, town is over-priced and turns over clothes too quickly, so head for the local suburbian outlet. Hunters and Collectors at the top of Cuba is for top of the line gears only. And avoid the fucking Salvation Army.
Sex shops: the only non-sleazy one is D.Vice (though the Editress was impressed by their wide array of dildos). There’re plenty of other sleazy ones too, but we have rules about free advertising.
Sushi: The sushi shop in James Smith Corner sells 3 for $10 at the end of the day; the on Lambton Quay (a few doors up from Dog and Bone) does two boxes for $10 late in the afternoon – it’s also one of the few places that does taraki sushi; if you’re prepared to fork out, Catch Sushi on Courtenay Place is the best.

T
Tennis courts: The closest ones to varsity are attached to the Club K complex on Salamanca Rd, but the ritziest are at the Renouf Tennis Centre in Brooklyn.
Tattoos: Roger’s on upper Cuba Street is still the one to beat. At the other end of the market, the old lighter and pen ink never fails, right? Hmmm, think I might skip it all actually, and go to the Tattoo Museum on Abel Smith Street.

U
Uranus (hehehe) : Uranus is presently too close to the sun to be observed properly. They will become visible in May, to the east, briefly before twilight. Uranus has a magnitude of 5.7, making it faintly visible to the unaided eye from a dark site. Use of a telescope is optional.
Unions: see Nick Kelly, he has Union written all over him. I mean seriously, I think he tattooed it all over his body.

V
Vegetarian and vegan cuisine: The Vegetarian Café on Cuba St is da bomb. Also try Higher Taste, the Hari Krishna buffet (seriously) restaurant above Unity Books on Willis St.
Vending machines: On campus, learning which day the cookies are restocked is one of the most useful skills a first-year can learn. At a buck a pop, the best Coke machine ever is still in Briscoes, Taranaki Street.
VUWSA: The bottom, and we mean the bottom, of the Student Union Building.

W
Wind turbine: O’er yonder western hills of our fair burgh lieth a turbine of wind. Um, I hear it can power a light bulb for about forty-five minutes.
Wool: For yarn that will knock you on your fucking ass, try Knit World, 210 B Cuba Mall.

X
Xanadu: Aurora, Colorado, 80012. If you go there, you’ll die all lonely and miserable and lament your childhood bobsled. On the upside, you’ll be rich.

Y
Yo mama: She’s so fat I couldn’t hide her.
Your pulse: On either wrist just a little below the base of the thumb. The pulsing of the artery will be felt when the fingers are in the right place. Make sound effects as required (“beep”, “beep”, “beep”, etc.). If you can’t find it then dude, you’re in trouble. See Hospitals.

Z
Zealand: Known as Sjælland to the Danish, Zealand is the largest island of Denmark. It is separated from Funen by the Great Belt and from Scania in Sweden by the Øresund, and it is named after the abundant seal population there. Well, according to www.wikipedia.com, anyway.
Zorba: Theo’s Greek Taverna on Pirie St., Mt. Vic., will give you ouzo, dancing and plate-smashing, preferably all at once. The food’s nice too. Otherwise, insert fish’n’chip shop joke here

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Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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