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March 7, 2005 | by  | in Features |
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Oscars Wrap Up

So I’ve just wasted four hours of my life and sat down and watched the Oscars. It’s been as satisfying as a premature ejaculation, but I’ve found myself compelled nonetheless. There was a lot riding on it – I had my credibility to uphold. After getting a brilliant 5/6 predictions right last year, I managed to get 4/6 this year. That’s a decent 75%. An A minus/B plus (depending on my tutorial participation) if you will. And I only voted for Natalie Portman because she was the hottest and I wanted to see as much of her on stage as possible. (I was stoked when she was presenting an award) Cate Blanchett probably deserved it.

Scorsese however is more interesting omission. He can’t win for his great movies, and he can’t win for his Oscar-targeted films. It almost seems that Scorsese won’t win until he makes a movie like he used to (he’s too good to be given an award for an “inferior” film), but then those films will never win. He’s basically fucked.

It wasn’t really a surprise that Clint Eastwood won for Million Dollar Baby. It’s a liberal-minded, well-crafted film made by a Hollywood legend. What was also interesting was that two actors (Hilary Swank and Jamie Foxx) noted for acting in god-awful TV shows (Beverly Hills 90210, and The Jamie Foxx Show) both won deserved acting awards.

The biggest shame as far as New Zealand was concerned was that Taika Waititi didn’t win for Two Cars, One Night. Although the funniest part was that the Dominion Post wasn’t able to pick up that Waititi was pretending to be asleep not actually asleep as the front page screamed the next day. Man some guys are so stupid. If there is a backlash about Waititi not showing enough respect, just remember that these awards are about movie stars not doctors.

My two favourite films nominated, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Sideways only won writing awards. Shame. But then I didn’t even expect them to win those, as the writing awards tend to go to the Best Picture contenders. As expected The Aviator cleaned up the technical awards (it was technically brilliant) and it was good to see films like Spiderman 2 and The Incredibles being able to say they are now Oscar winners. If I cared, I’d be bothered about stuff like that.

There were a few things missing. The first was Jack Nicholson. Every time I’ve seen the Oscars, there’s always a shot or ten of Jack Nicholson just looking cool. Add to that, he hasn’t acted for a while, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s dead. Not as many people cried as I expected – only Jamie Foxx. But I suppose if you spent so long with your eyes shut playing a blind man, you better test out to see if they’re working. There wasn’t as much trash as I expected either. Even Chris Rock seemed kinda toned down. Though he did provoke a hilarious moment when Sean Penn revealed he had no sense of humour as he defended Jude Law. I’m starting to think Sean Penn is a covert agent for North Korea.

There is one thing I always hate about the Oscars. It’s those goddamn awful songs. No-one good ever seems to win (the only one I remember being decent was Bob Dylan winning for Things Have Changed), yet we have to put up with five mediocre songs from middle-of-the-road/talentless singers. If people wanted to watch that, they’d watch the Grammys and nobody watches that. Though we did at least get to see Prince look like a brutha Willy Wonka.

There is one final thing that I suppose I should pass comment on – and that’s the dresses. But I seriously couldn’t care less and I’ll leave that to people who do actually care about superficial shit like that e.g. Emily, Emilie etc. Fools. Ah, delusion – the ideology of the common man.

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

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