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March 6, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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Bran-Power

Are you sick of all the advertising that promises so much? Are you sick of not being able to choose which beer to drink because there is so much choice? Are you sick of Brand Power? Sick of the fact it is nothing more than a glorified advertisement? Sick of marketing that doesn’t take into account different variables when you’re buying their product? Bran-Power will help to find out which is the best beer for you, the humble reader, in one night (to make sure variables don’t effect the end result. Chaos theory if you will.)

Heineken

A reasonable way to start the day, the Heineken beer offers strong Dutch flavours. This is despite the fact it was brewed in Auckland, which can be that can be explained because Auckland is currently attempting to join the EU. Heineken is actually quite bland in spite of its price. A beer that expensive should come with wings. Or a tank, or at least have the end not taste like mashed up bicycles. Well, it is Dutch….

Stella Artois

I crossed the border from Dutchland (Auckland City) to Belgiumland (Greater Auckland). Stella Artois has a nice crisp taste that would not be a miss being pissed out of a little cherubic statue. Has an almost-French-but-not-but-at-least-we’re-not-German quality to it. It’s not bad. Mixes better in the stomach a lot better than the Heineken.

Corona

I’m starting to regret eating those raw two-minute noodles for dinner. If I was a duck, my stomach would be exploding. But who can resist the sharp edges and salty flavouring of Maggi? Plus that’s an eighty-cent dinner. The Corona is starting to take effect. It’s amazing to think one bottle of Corona is making me drunk, but then I’m a weenie when it comes to the alcohol swilling pleasures. I also pushed the lemon in too hard, which resulted in over-frothing. I’d have asked for limes, but can you believe limes cost $20 a kilo? I broke the seal. Of my bladder- you sick bastard. If only I had a spare bladder. If only I also had a box of beers to walk around with and carry – people who carry around boxes at parties are cool. People respect those kind of guys.

Macs Gold

Macs Gold was next. Brewed with skill somewhere, I’m starting not to care. It’s probably Auckland. But it’s great! It’s made me nicely drunk off only one beer. I have been known as the one-can-man, even the half-can-man, but I am no longer in high school and no longer have any reputations to live up to. For the non-hard man, Macs Gold does it in style. It’s time I started talking loudly, because other people haven’t been able to hear what I’ve been saying. I should probably stand closer to them too, just in case. Macs Gold is the speaker’s beer. Side-effect: I need to pee.

Steinlager

I may be slightly drunk, but I’m not drunk enough to realise that Steinlager is the worst of the Auckland brewed beers. Whilst images of Sean Fitzpatrick holding trophies aloft was enough to convince me as a thirteen year old to try it out, I slowly realised that a) the All Blacks haven’t won for the World Cup for a while b) Bryan Ferry’s solo stuff was nowhere near as good as Roxy Music, but Roxy Music are nowhere near as good as Brian Eno’s solo stuff and c) Steinlager tastes like shit.

Lion Red

What Steinlager did do was make me nicely drunk. Lion Red made me drunker – it was as if I had already drunk half a dozen. That girl over there looks attractive. I need a beer, or she’d think I was a loser and/or sober.

Tui

“Hey I’m doing a product review. Would you like to take part?”
“What do I have to do?”
“Well I’m testing out condoms. Do you want to take part?”

“Where did she go?”

Speights

There’s a queasy feeling in my stomach. Better drink quickly because Marc Ellis drinks Speights and he’s cool. If only he hadn’t got caught he could have shown me to a dealer. Oh well, I’ll just have a cigarette. There’s nothing cooler than seeing someone who doesn’t usually smoke but who has a cigarette when they’re drunk. You’re bad Brannavan. Yeah I know. Speights also provides a good conversation starter. “Hey, I’m drinking Speights. Aren’t I cool?”

Double Brown

This beer goes down so well. I can’t believe this beer was so cheap. Is it because of the brown in the name that people automatically think it’s inferior??? You people are racist. Stop treating us dark skinned people like tools. Yeah I’m talking to you.

Rheineck

God this drink tastes horrible. It’s like I’m already hungdover.

Ranfurly

I need to wash this vomit taste out of my mouth. Ranfurly tastes like you’ve pashed a Crusaders supporter.
“You got any gum…Fuck off, I’m not trying to hit on you….I couldn’t do anything anyway.”

Viking

I’m going to sleep.

Next week: Bran-Power looks at Hangover Breakfasts Around Wellington

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

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