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March 20, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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Bran-Power

Diets

One day I noticed a small pouch of fat where there wasn’t one before in my stomach. I’m now on the slippery slope towards obesity and phallic invisibility. What to do? What to do? I could act like a lot of skinny people do and lament this weight gain in front of fat people – because that will make me feel a lot better. How about doing some exercise? I struggle to walk five minutes to the supermarket to pick up my daily bag of chocolate blocks, let alone run for five minutes. Who wants to do exercise anyway, when diets are proven to immediately remove unsightly body fat and hair? If Oprah can do it – and she’s a black woman – anyone can. At the very worst, it can be turned into an anti-Super-Size-Me-like documentary, where I decide not to eat McDonalds. The major goal for me is that I have to fit into pants by the end of the week – I don’t care about long-term health benefits. So I trot/waddle off to the bookstore and look next to the fiction section for the diet books. There are so many! I’ve had to limit it down to six, but in order for them to work, I’ll have to do them staggered.

Day 1 – Weight: 67.1 kgs
The Atkin’s Diet
Everyone loves the Atkin’s Diet with its creator (Dr. Atkins, funnily enough) who apparently died from being too fat. In actual fact, he died from slipping over on ice and hitting his head, but he probably fell over because he was too fat. You know, the increased mass increases the fall velocity, hence an increase in momentum, hence a bigger impact when he lands on his head. And continuing with the fact you can’t actually defame the dead, he probably liked to sleep with monkeys too.

So I have to cut out carbohydrates. Bye bye bread, rice, flour, potatoes, pasta, lentils etc. Hello meat. I read that too much meat can cause cancer, but who cares when I have to fit into my pants on Friday? My pants. On. Friday. Or people will never socially accept me because I’m slightly overweight. If I don’t keep repeating myself, people will stop caring, and then I’ll have no sympathy/impetus/real need to lose weight.

Apparently Atkins favours leaner meats like chicken and fish, which is all well and good if people can afford these things. I’m also doing my bit for the environment, so to protest against the over-population of fish, I’m not going to eat fish. I decide to drive down to this aforementioned supermarket and buy some meat. Over the course of the day, I eat two cups of salad, one cup of other vegetables, and eat more meat than a gay bar. Feel bloated.

Day 2 – 67.4 kgs
The Zone Diet
The Zone Diet was invented by some guy called Barry Sears. This guy may be alive, so I’m unable to deliver the truth about Barry Sears. Though I can say I did once know another guy called Barry Sears and he was a real dick. The Zone Diet is all about proportional eating. You should get calories from carbohydrates (40%), protein (30%) and fats (30%). Since I’m not eating carbohydrates, due to the Atkins, I added 20% to each. Therefore, 50% protein and 50% fats. The things most health-conscious people miss is how good fat tastes. I’m not simply talking unsaturated fats, I’m talking gooey, dripping, sumptuous saturated goodness. As far as I’m aware ­– and I haven’t done the research (I don’t have time. Friday, guys, Friday) – Sears has written nothing on what type of fat you can eat. I decided to deep-fry meat. Deep-fry vegetables. I showered in fat. I needed that fat good. I needed to eat more because I was so hungry. I’m a little constipated now too – but I figure that’s normal.

Day 3 – 68.0 kgs
The Warrior Diet
If I saw a doctor they might talk me out of my quest. So I don’t. The Warrior Diet consists of eating lightly during the day, but heavily at night. Apparently you’re meant to just eat vegetables and fruit early, then gorge at night. I fancy myself as a bit of a Warrior (they’ll have no salary cap issues with me) and plus it gets me in touch with my masculine side. Strange that only women seem to do this diet. I have my big meal of fat/protein (more deep-fried meat) around 6. I wanted to eat earlier, but unfortunately 5 o’clock does not fit in the technical definition of nighttime. I don’t care what people say about 6 o’clock. Fuck I’m hungry. The vegetable fibre has the desired effect of loosening some shit – removing the blockage if you will. It stings.

Day 4 – 64.9 kgs (woo hoo)
The Raw Food Diet
I’m slightly depressed which sucks. Shit happens but it hurts. I now can’t eat fat, and I can only have one big meal of raw vegetables at 6. I can’t have fruit after midday, so there’s a long period of hunger. What are these diet people thinking? Isn’t it easier to…I forget what I was saying. Meh.

Day 5 – 64.2 kgs
The Apple Diet
Apparently this diet worked in the 1970s. So did roller-disco. I ate ten apples for dinner and four apples before midday. It doesn’t really do much, except affect fecal matter. My stomach hurts. Too tired to write much.

Day 6 – 64.0 kgs
The Water Diet
Ahhh fuck this. I’m eating a burger and going for a run. I’m not even going out on Friday, why do I need to wear pants?

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

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