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July 17, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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Bran-Power jumps on the no fees bandwagon. Please note though that luckily Nick Kelly is not involved.

X: Good afternoon, how can I help?

B: Is this Budget?

X: Yes.

B: Oh I’m just ringing to congratulate you on the products you guys make.

X: Oh! Thank you!

B: How do you guys consistently produce products cheaper?

X: Oh, we have more access to resources. We do things in bigger quantities and we operate in Australia and New Zealand.

B: So does that mean you have different production values?

X: Yes. Yes there is with some things.

B: I can’t really notice a difference between the good products and Budget.

X: Oh really? Oh my goodness! Oh, very good. Well I can.

B: Well the reason I ask is that I’m a university student and I’m wondering, have you guys ever considered branching out and doing a Budget University?

X: Oh no, we’re part of Foodstuffs

B: You could always expand. You know vertical integration so you get all the students and you give them no choice but to eat Budget stuff. Our university does that now – you should have tasted the overpriced and awful chili con carne with mash potatoes I got today.

X: No… no… no… They wouldn’t. Maybe somewhere down the track, but I don’t think so. This is Foodstuffs New Zealand. We are one of the last New Zealand owned companies left. We’ve been doing the same thing for a long time. There’s always room for improvement and changes, but they’re quite happy to stick with food.

B: We’re getting fed-up with our fees, could the university follow your business model and produce something cheaper?

X: We’re currently doing something. The prices are reasonable now. I’m sure further down the track the prices will be cheaper. Well, you can buy our baked beans? They’re on special for 45 cents. Did you know that? If you go to the stores, like Pak N Save, you can get four tins, for under two dollars.

B: You guys could do degrees for forty-five cents?

X: Ohhhh dear, I know.

B: So should I buy Budget baked beans and use the money I save to pay off my student loan?

X: Well you never know, with your degree you could buy the company. All right dear, thanks for the feedback. Bye!

B: Thank you! Bye

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

Comments (2)

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  1. Tara says:

    Brannavan, how many times can you beat a dead fucking horse?

  2. bran says:

    a few more times, i better make sure it’s dead. unless that’s a rhetorical question. then i’d look stupid.

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