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August 7, 2006 | by  | in News |
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Great University Review: The Library (and some other stuff)

I’m back! Scurrilous rumours to the effect that I had died, or maybe got “lots of therapy” should be discounted by all. Now, I know some of you will be eager to get on your message boards and your Livejournals and your internets, all full of grandiose claims about how one time you totally kicked my ass, but be warned – I know who you are, and your farcical claims fool nobody, little grasshoppers. You are so not coming to my birthday party.

For the next few weeks I am going to be running a thing – a thing called the GREAT UNIVERSITY REVIEW. Let’s be straightup here and let all you suckers know that the university will not come out of this well, on account of that I got eyes to see and ears to hear and hands to endlessly fill out forms for no good reason except that the university loves it when you fill out forms. You would be ill-advised to wager money on me writing a review that gave SCS five golden stars because Blackboard only shat out on me twice in one session, and I was almost able to reliably access a library database from home – that would be the route to extreme poverty and humiliating sexual acts to fund your debt like in that one-hundred percent accurate anti-drug documentary Requiem for a Dream. Ass to ass, indeed. That shit happened in real time, know what I’m saying?

This week I find it only just and fitting that the library gets the bash, Kahui-style (that is called being edgy, my friends) because I’m supposed to be in there reading about the Holocaust or some shit, but I’m just not going to do that because my-God is mass genocide boring. It’s also a little bit depressing, but let’s face it, I saw the pitiful emo bitch that Hollywood rendered nerd idol Superman into and frankly that was a lot more depressing, so Hitler, yet again you lose to Hollywood. What happened, Superman, you used to be cool! Oh, right, you fell off a kryptonite horse and got crippled. My bad. Sorry, back on topic. The library.

Basically the library is all about frustration. Like showing up three hours before your essay is due to discover that some dorky jerkboat has taken all the three- day loan books and you’re up shit creek without a paddle. Or trying to find where the library stores its journals. To be honest you’re better off just wandering the shelves looking for words that are vaguely similar to your essay topic and using those, than THE LIBRARY trying to draw some kind of connection between the arcane codes that nestle in the catalogue and the objective reality of where exactly those journals actually are. If the library was a person he would be called ‘Old Man Frustration’, and he would get beaten to death by street kids for smelling funny. Possibly.

Another fun thing about the library is trying to issue books! It is fun because sometimes you get stuck behind a person who apparently lived under a rock and is unaware of how to deal with complex questions about detailed and specific topics. Like for example, the location of his or her library card and the inconvenient fact that it is required to issue books. Sometimes there’s a huge queue and you can see another librarian on the far side of their little kiosk thing who’s apparently filing books by the power of her mind and it’s just because I’m not enlightened enough that it looks to me like she’s staring vacantly into space instead of helping the people who in some roundabout sort of a way pay her salary. That was a crazy long sentence. Do you know what else is crazy long? Queues at the library! SUPER SLAM!

You might ask why a man of my impeccable journalistic credentials would choose to pick on a library run by students and you would be a jackass for doing so. Journalistic freedom means I can smack-talk whoever I like and have no consequences whatsoever (and if you disagree then you are a Nazi or maybe a terrorist). Anyway, apparently one of the things you got to put in a review, as well as unjustified zings and power-burns, is some sort of a rating. This is so people can compare your arbitrary numbers and know which thing you think is better, because most people are fucking stupid and read the Dominion Post. My special arbitrary rating is such as the MIGRAINE, and it is used to represent how many times I have to pay inflated prices at some shady shop for painkillers to dampen the throbbing headache any interaction with Victoria University invariably brings on. The Library gets three migraines out of five – it would have been only two but that beeping when a dumbass tries to sneak out without issuing their books is insanely annoying. Stealing is for poor people and communists, kids!
See you all next week.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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