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August 14, 2006 | by  | in News |
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The Great Univeristy Review: SCS

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to do this again. I felt kind of bad about it last time, the sort of bad that you feel when you kick a puppy that didn’t deserve it or shout at a baby. However, recent events have reinforced my firm belief that I am a bad person, or in the common parlance of the times, a winner. So consequently, even though making fun of SCS computer people for incompetence is like prankcalling Hitler’s ghost from Tel Aviv to ask him how that Final Solution is working out for him, let’s give them an early place in the GREAT UNIVERSITY REVIEW. I will even be superduper fair and give them a special ranking which I will put right at the start of this review so you all know it’s not, you know, making me biased or something.

I give SCS student computer services approximately one hundred billion zillion migraines out five. There is no group of individuals in the university – not even the commerce students we all love to mock so, not even the women I have slept with and then subsequently not called, not even those weird fascist security guards – who have plumbed the depths of incompetence and failure that the SCS crowd manage to descend to every day. Everything from the way the amount of money on my SCS account seems to just be “some number they made up” rather than having any actual relation to money that I have paid them all the way to the fact that on any given day approximately half of the computers so liberally scattered around the university will not be fucking working just so I can go and proclaim their incompetence to the skies, like how Blanket Man’s horrible smell and appearance proclaim his disdain for societal norms. (Edgy!)

However, perhaps the most common interaction most of us will have with SCS (unless you are doctors or chemists investigating whether drinking meths causes brain damage, in which case I have no doubt you see the SCS party crew most weekends) is with that shitty, worthless trainwreck of a website that is called Blackboard. As if it compares with a real blackboard! A real blackboard works all the time and doesn’t claim that I am enrolled for classes that I have not enrolled and that in fact do not exist. My personal favourite piece of shittiness about Blackboard – and bear in mind here that I mean “favourite” in the sense that your oh-so-promiscuous mother has a “favourite” sexually transmitted disease – is how the security certificate when you log in doesn’t even match up with the address that Blackboard putatively has. I’m not some kind of nerd or something – I just know this because my browser tells me so; the sort of thing that SCS might have noticed were they not incompetent and useless at everything that they do.

Oh, I know it’s very unfair and mean of me to put zings on the SCS people, who are just trying to do their job very, very badly and maybe they have Downs or something, who knows? And after all, it’s not like I could do better, I mean, I’m only of average intelligence and reasonably sure that a computer is for working on and not for using to look up Asian goat porn like the SCS people probably do, right? Well, if you think things like that, you are very wrong. I didn’t need a pilot’s licence to guess that September 11 was an illustration of exceptionally poor piloting skills, and I don’t need a useless fucking Bachelor of COMPUTAR (which is probably printed with a McDonald’s application form on the back) to guess that SCS do a shit job of running their computer machines. Did I just compare September 11 to Blackboard going down? Well, I know which one inconvenienced me more.

And I haven’t even got started on wireless at Vic, which seems to have been a giant dumb waste of money, which was perhaps unsurprising given that Victoria University was involved. Wait, what the fuck am I saying? Why is it only perhaps unsurprising that Victoria wasted a whole bunch of cash money on a thing that was kind of useless and ‘oh my what a shock’ they will be raising fees as usual? That sort of thing is more like a solid gold fact, the sort of thing that a man could kick to refute the suggestion that everything was subjective. Did I just bring Samuel Johnson into this shizzle? Damn right I did, and even though I recycled that whole ‘rhetorical question’ deal from last paragraph that shit was still the cleverest thing you’ll read all week – cleverer even than that zinger about your mother.

So, to sum up, I was one hundred percent god damn right in my initial evaluation of SCS. They are pretty much the worst thing ever. Ever. If you ever think about taking up a position with SCS, ask yourself: do you also think that ‘competence’ is a god-damn sometimes food? Or are you just a useless retard? Because either way, you’ll fit in fine at SCS.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (15)

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  1. Hi,

    My names Jeremy Compton, some people know me as a complainer and I am.
    I asked the SCS desk about blackboard and they said they didn’t support it, which i found out they didn’t.

    So i think maybe we should just give them all a raise

    oh and Death to America, allah akbah.

  2. Death to SCS, death to Salient, death to america

  3. Sophie says:

    Hi,

    From reading this article, it just proves to me that you are just plain ignorant. Before you rant on about how poor the SCS services are, you should first do a little research into exactly what SCS support.
    If the computers are not up to your standards…DONT USE THEM. I’m sure someone else will be happy to take your place in the queue.

    The majority of this article is based on Blackboad and Wireless….both of which SCS do not support.

    I commend the SCS people for putting up with students like you, who lack the appreciation of what SCS provide to us students. If I were to meet you in person I would probably give you a black eye.

    I walk past rooms with SCS computers everyday and see them filled with students that are using them….are the computers really that crap if they are always in use?

    Sure SCS may have outages….but does that give you the right to slag off the 1st point of contact (help desk)? They are not the ones who design Blackboard, or who set up Wireless.

    Your article seems like a poor excuse to just abuse SCS for the hell of it. Sounds like you need a tissue to dry your angry tears with. Go cry yourself a river, and if you are so unhappy with the service and computers…again i say…DONT USE THEM.

    A big up to all the SCS Peeps! Thanks for all your help throughout my years of studying here!

    PS I hope you didn’t type this article on an SCS PC….

  4. bloggette says:

    sophie you smell

  5. blogetee says:

    you smell tooo

  6. boggette says:

    you smell like lesbian

  7. blogette says:

    so what if i am?

    (i’m not)

    homophobe

  8. boggette says:

    well if you were hot and a lessy i wouldn’t have a problem, since your niether then don’t worry

  9. Sarah Goldstein says:

    SCS are scrotes

  10. CC says:

    attn sophie
    re: your dumb comments

    you spent far too much time on that fyi

    more time than i spent on my article

  11. Nick says:

    A butte? you mean like a hill?

  12. Nick says:

    oh wait, i remember now, a butte as in buttsex, i enjoy it

  13. Don says:

    you enjoy buttsex

  14. Radish says:

    critical critic is a hill so we should not listen to his comments
    am i following your argument

  15. Cheeseboard says:

    wtf where did that post go
    you deleted it didn’t you you mutherfucking ghost of the Internet!!!

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