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September 11, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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My Eyes are Bleeding

STEVE IRWIN’S DEAD: MEDIA NOT ABOVE HIJACKING TRAGEDY FOR SUBSTANDARD HUMOUR
‘Crikey! He’s Dead’

In a flawless display of insensitivity, the Dom ran the above headline. I mean, gee, that’s not funny is it? Or have years of bitter University rumination sent my sense of humour into menopause? Because I was under the impression that it was rude to make fun of the dead. I’m not sure if that spreads to ironically mocking a person in media coverage of their death by taking the piss out of their own catchphrase on the front page. But I don’t know, we live in a media saturated post-modern world. Who knows if the laws of decency really apply anymore?

It was also a pleasure to see a novelty wildlife entertainer seldom seen in mainstream news get such tremendous coverage and respect upon their death, so soon on the heels of a novelty sovereign seldom seen in mainstream news getting tremendous coverage when dying.

I’m sure there’s a good line that I could knock you all dead with, but his children are fatherless, so I’m not sure that it would be funny.

GERMAINE GREER: FEMINISTS HAVE TERRIBLE TIMING

Germaine Greer caused a stir by commenting that Irwin’s death was proof that the animal world had finally got their revenge on Irwin for making them look silly and be on TV even though they were probably just quite shy and minding their own business and what not. Putting aside the fact that no one wants to see a mouthy feminist in the newspaper (especially when we’re all mourning a respected wildlife hero), this gives further proof that annoying minority groups have no idea how to win friends. Maybe if you did your thing while holding a poisonous snake, Germaine, more people would listen. We could all learn from the Crocodile Hunter.

MAN DIES AMIDST HORRIFIC IRONY

Showing that the potential for making fun of the dead didn’t stop with Irwin, a Hastings man died on Wednesday trying to flag down a car to assist him, as he had run down and killed another pedestrian minutes beforehand. Unfortunate coincidence you say? I say irrefutable proof that God has a script-writer, putting overdosed former Saturday Night Live comedians to work at setting up and executing painful bad luck news stories that even though we know that they’re actually quite awful, we still snigger at. God bless you Chris Farley, good to see your legacy lives on.

ALL BLACK LOSS DIDN’T HAPPEN, SAYS INSECURE, IN DENIAL COUNTRY

Anyone under the illusion that New Zealand was a country confident in all our successes, and a place that had moved past the mid to late 90s dependence on Rugby success as a sign of national worth, you are wrong.

After a one-point, tired, end of season loss, after fifteen wins in a row that involved the highest regarded sides in the world, the media went into overdrive. A tired picture of Richie McCaw’s beaten and bloodied face ran alongside a headline telling us that the All Blacks were in denial. Which is unusual given the results of the last 12 months.Fuck it. People lose. Why be in denial? Especially when you probably dropped out of school and somehow fell into a well paid livelihood that involves working out and getting to fight people from other countries. Because if you weren’t an All Black you’d just be a broke racist who was inevitably going to end up in jail.

DOMINION POST MADE UP STORY THAT’S NOT REALLY A STORY OF THE WEEK

‘Richard Long Eaten Alive by a Gang of Feasting Wolves, No One Cares’
A gang of hungry wolves devoured poorly regarded right wing columnist Richard Long on Wednesday last week, giving credence to the idea that even the animal kingdom is sick of being subjected to Long’s poorly disguised right-leaning polemics on such a regular basis.

Police believe that Long suffered, and forensics are amazed that the wolves (a species not credited with human like mental capacity) managed to devour non-essential parts of Long’s body first, starting with the arms and legs, before the leader finished Long off by devouring his heart in dramatic fashion.

Although the Dominion ran the story announcing Long’s death on the back page of the news section (the same page that they reserve for any news stories that fly in the face of popular opinion that Taito Phillip Field is a filthy crook) they could not resist taking one of their popular page three “vox-pops” to the street with the buzz issue of last week, and talk about whether or not their should be harsher sentencing for wolves involved in cannibalism.

“He had it coming,” said Jane from the Aro Valley, a 19 year-old hairdresser with a funny hat on. “How did they think we wouldn’t remember that he used to be Don Brash’s press secretary,” commented Bob, a 47 year-old carpenter from Johnsonville who was immaculately attired in Rodd and Gunn.
Right on.

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About the Author ()

ABANDONED AT birth, Casablo was raised on the street, honing a never say die attitude and a taste for the blood of babies and puppies. One day Casablo looked up at the newspaper that had so loyally kept him warm at night and was horrified at what stared back at him, making it his life goal to fight the system in the most horribly ineffectual of ways. When not writing – or pretending to be inebriated – Casablo runs a horribly unsuccessful private detective agency with his crime-fighting partner, Fifi Mimosa.

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