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September 18, 2006 | by  | in News |
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Penis Envy

“I want to hold your dick in my hand and use it like a puppet.” Not a seedy line from a B-grade porno involving phallic marionettes, but rather a text-message sent by VUWSA Education Vice-President Joel Cosgrove to two of his VUWSA colleagues, and approximately eight other unlucky and no doubt grossed-out recipients last week.

Welfare Vice-President Jules van Cruysen was one of the unfortunate “ten or so” who received the text, and so he proposed a motion at last week’s exec meeting that Cosgrove be censured for being icky (or something along those lines). “I know it’s your sense of humour, but it’s unprofessional and not very nice,” an unflattered van Cruysen told Cosgrove.

Campaigns Officer Alexander Neilson was the other exec member to receive the text-message. Neilson initially thought it was from a girl he had been texting, and was intrigued as to ‘her’ intentions. Before asking about her motivations, however, he realised it was from Cosgrove, and needless to say, was pretty bummed out. Unlike van Cruysen, Nielson “saw the funny side,” commenting that he’d never received a text like this from a guy before. I wouldn’t want to bet on the likelihood that he’s ever received a text of this sort from a girl either.

Cosgrove, who has once again reinvented himself to become “Rockstar Joel” admitted he had been “drinking on the porch” when he sent the texts. “It was a really popular text,” Cosgrove said, claiming that he had had “a few calls”, including one from van Cruysen, and a text-message about Velcro.

Cosgrove also said that Neilson’s response had been “boring”, but has since volunteered to help Neilson work on his saucy-texting skills.

“Do you really want to hold my dick in your hand and use it like a puppet?” van Cruysen asked. I can’t remember what Cosgrove said, because I was too busy laughing and trying not to hurl all at the same time, so I’ll put it down as a “maybe”.

Cosgrove’s girlfriend, Activities Officer Heleyni Pratley was absent from the meeting, but Cosgrove says she is aware of his “flirting”, which thus far is limited to males.

The motion of censure lacked support from the exec and was not seconded. Education Officer CJ Hunt told Cosgrove and van Cruysen to settle the issue outside of exec time, and President Nick Kelly – “devastated” at not receiving the text, took a back seat in the discussions, asking only what time the messages were sent, in an attempt to establish whether they were intended as a booty-call.
“I think it should be settled with fists,” Cosgrove said. Exactly what he intended to do with fists, or why the desire to touch van Cruysen’s manly-bits needed to be fought over is still (thankfully) unknown.

Highlight(s): A meeting that took less than an hour, had no PDA (bar extensive conversation about penises) and Neilson’s sideways-going pointy sideburns – think boy-band-wannabe meets Sesame Street’s The Count.

Lowlight: Kelly refusing to shave his head for the ‘Funrazor’ Child Cancer fundraiser, saying “the kids with cancer can have my last year’s crop”, referring to the hair he attempted (and failed) to sell on TradeMe earlier this year. Shame on you Nick Kelly. You tight-arse.

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About the Author ()

With her take-no-prisoners, kick-ass attitude, former News Editor Laura McQuillan adequately makes up for her lack of stature. Roaming the corridors (and underground tunnels) of the University by day, and hunting vampires and Nazi war criminals by night, McQuillan will stop at nothing to bring you the freshest news.

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