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September 18, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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Branpower doesn’t usually like petty revenge, but if he gets treated badly he will fight back. Ordinarily I would say nothing, but other people have mentioned this to me. Branpower had the worst dining experience at Tulsi with a sleazy waiter who pawned tonnes of food onto the table without us really knowing what was going on. He also proceeded to hit on the girls and was highly patronising to the clientele. The food was also substandard (and
Branpower had mild food poisoning).

Waiter: Do you want your curry Indian hot or Kiwi hot?

B: Indian hot please

W: Do you want something to soak it up? Are you sure you can handle it? Yoghurt?

B: No thanks.

W: Are you sure? Something to soak it up?

B: No thank you.

W: You want a side dish?

B: No…can you please cross off the yoghurt?

So Branpower hates Tulsi. Branpower does however, love Satay India’s two-for-one on Sunday and Monday nights, and the tacos at Amigos in Newtown.

But Branpower hates someone even more: the freakish manwoman that is Fergie. So Branpower decided to make up a rumour.

U: Good morning Universal

B: Hi, I’m just calling up to offer my condolences for Fergie’s death. Fergie from the Black Eyed
Peas’ death

U: What’s that?

B: Just offering my condolences for Fergie’s death.

U: Death???

B: Yeah.

U: When did you hear that?

B: Um, I just got told about it from a guy called Ryan.

U: That could be a rumour buddy. I haven’t heard anything this morning at all.

B: Oh, I’ve written like a eulogy and all.

U: Really?

B: Yeah.

U: Oh well, thank-you for ringing but as far as I know, she’s still alive.

B: Ok.

U: Ok!

B: I must have dreaming.

U: Err….Ok then bye!

The eulogy: (Branpower doesn’t like speaking ill of the dead, but since she’s not dead)
Your beats are infantile
Your melodies as dull as a fridge
Shame for all of us
Your humps weren’t crushed by London Bridge

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About the Author ()

Brannavan Gnanalingam has come a long way from being born in the teeming metropolis of Colombo, Sri Lanka. He may be known as feature writer for Salient, but is also the only man in history to have simultaneously donated both his kidneys. He is also an amateur rapper going under the moniker Brantank and hopes to win a Grammy.

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