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September 25, 2006 | by  | in Opinion |
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Signs That Your Girlfriend is a Lesbian

1. She takes big bites when eating bananas
2. She wears comfortable shoes
3. You caught her snacking on carpet
4. She spends more time than is natural fondling your man-boobs
5. The “I am a lesbian” bumper sticker

Things to ask a librarian

1. If I borrow one of your books and then, you know, accidentally shit in it . . . what’s the fine for that sort of thing?
2. What colour is Michael Jackson’s dick?
3. Where’s the smoking section?
4. Do you have any “How to pick up librarians” books?
5. How many cats are waiting for you at home?

Rejected PhD Theses

1. “Bitches: Why do they get paid less? Are they dumber or just lazier?”
2. “In defence of paedophiles”
3. “Olivia Tremor Control are a more sonically interesting band than Neutral Milk Hotel”
4. “The Bible”
5. “This one girl I slept with”

Things we hate about dogs

1. Their lack of opposable thumbs
2. Their tail-wagging is suspicious
3. Their stringy, dry flavour
4. Their inability to sit around a table, smoke cigars and play poker
5. Their demands that we strangle the neighbours are always getting us in trouble

Ways to rage against the dying of the light

1. Buy a new bulb
2. Harden up
3. With a massive bender
4. Travel westward very fast, angrily
5. Live at the North Pole March thru September, South Pole the rest of the year

Possible PR campaigns for OJ Simpson’s career revival

1. Hey, like you never killed your unfaithful wife and her boyfriend
2. The Star of Naked Gun 33 1/3 Returns!
3. The OJ Sex Tape: He Can Make Love Too!
4. A Black Man You Can Trust!
5. Who’ll Get it Next?

Things not to do in a job interview

1. Ask if their children are “legal” yet
2. Ask if you can have the first two years off
3. Admit you worked for VUWSA
4. Insist that all other workers must salute as you pass
5. Bring a friend

Reasons not to vote

1. Too hard to choose
2. They’re all douches
3. Dictatorship’s easier
4. Meh
5. You can’t vote naked

Things you hate hearing from a hooker

1. Are you in yet?
2. Don’t worry about lube, just pick at my sore
3. Jesus, I’m going to need some porn to help me out here
4. Can I borrow your shoes for PE tomorrow?
5. I like posing nude for painters

Reasons to come out of the closet

1. Running out of oxygen
2. Your closet doesn’t actually lead to Narnia
3. You need to expel the liquid contents of your full penis into something hygienic like a toilet
4. Gary gave you twenty minutes to make a sandwich
5. Because the other kids gave up playing hide and seek 10 years ago

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (18)

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  1. Greg says:

    Top 5 ways honours students procrastinate:
    1.) Drink
    2.) Figure out what “Formosa” should mean
    3.) Go to a conference in Canada one week before your essays are due
    4.) Join the Army
    5.) Figure out who to vote for in the VUWSA elections

    (I should add, all of these have been done….)

  2. Nicola says:

    6) Make inane comments on websites and blogs.

  3. Jono Newton says:

    7) Create said website and blogs

  4. Nick Kelly says:

    9) become the VUWSA president so you don’t even properly start honours

  5. Greg says:

    8.) Learn to count properly

  6. CC says:

    10) Write terrible columns full of swears and dick jokes instead of doing real work.

  7. bloggette says:

    11) create a pseudonym so everyone wonders who you are but nobody will ever find out

    12) insult everybody you can

  8. Alexander Neilson says:

    reason 5 for not voting is innacurate. Online voting means that people can vote naked.

  9. blogette, your identity is a sad joke.

    I know who you are.

  10. Greg says:

    Alexander – I really didn’t want that imagine in my head. Excuse me while I poke my eyeballs out with a cattle prod.

  11. Jono Newton says:

    I plan to come to a polling booth and vote naked…

  12. blogetee says:

    if that is the case, then who Mr Robinson?

  13. bloggette says:

    come on

  14. Jono Newton says:

    Well I have to say this is not on, I have been trying to find someone willing to hold my clothes for my nude voting and noone will come forward disappointing

  15. Andy Feltoe says:

    I hear Peter Davis may be keen. Or Wishart. Take your pick.

  16. Brianna says:

    who cares?

  17. nick says:

    Bitches. Why do they get paid less? Are they dumber or lazier?

    Well, which is it??

  18. Russian Federation says:

    My ROFLcopter is taking flight.

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