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September 25, 2006 | by  | in News |
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The Great University Review: At Least the Nazi Trains Ran on Time

You may appreciate that I write this column in a variety of emotional states, depending on variables such as whether I have been drinking or whether I have downloaded a video on the Internet of an Iranian shooting a horse in the balls. Right now, I am just plain furious. If I did not fi nd displays of emotion vaguely uncomfortable and awkward, I would be straight-up shaking in my god damn chair with rage. I would be tearing apart phonebooks, Incredible Hulk style. I would be like a woman on the rag when it turns out there is no more chocolate in the house and that men still don’t fi nd fat chicks attractive. It would be insane how pissed off I would be. For today, I am reviewing the monkey that timetables our exams.

What moon world do we live on where it is acceptable for the university to hand out exam timetables this late? What global revolution did I miss where this kind of bullshit tardiness became acceptable? Was it some kind of Jerk Revolution, led by such luminaries as Mister Nick ‘even Destiny Church don’t want me’ O’Kane? It is possible that I missed this revolution? Maybe it was on during Doctor Who, a time when distracting me is a serious error to make, especially if you are some cockweasel telemarketer who probably doesn’t appreciate my knack for getting ear-piercing feedback out of a telephone. (DO NOT CALL ME AND TRY TO SELL ME CRAP.) There’s really no excuse for leaving it this late to hand out timetables, other than the rampant incompetence and failure that oozes about this university like a miasma, infecting people with its unique brand of mediocrity and leading them to become Victoria University’s main export (B.A. students who become Policy Analysts with the Civil Service).

Most universities in this fi ne country of ours schedule their exams with plenty of time in advance, because that is the right and proper way for things to be done. How does someone go about determining what is right and proper while distinguishing it from the conduct of, for example, a couple of guys who were up to no good and have started to make trouble in your neighbourhood? First of all, you use research and the intra-web to fi nd out what Victoria University is doing, then you determine what the polar opposite of that thing is and there you will fi nd the right and proper way to do a thing. Leaving the scheduling of exams to the last possible minute is pretty damn terrible, and suggests that the hiring requirements for administration staff are even laxer (if this is possible) than the entry requirements for university as a whole.

Oh no! Am I not being fair? Fuck, I don’t know. Was it fair when I had to turn down a job because I didn’t know when my exams fi nished because the timetable wasn’t out yet, leading me to a lifestyle of laziness and student loan dependency? Oh, I’m sure it takes a long time to organise, seeing as how everyone who works for this shithole of a university is apparently illiterate in every conceivable sense of the word on account of that they are mere primates, as yet unevolved to use tools and not shit themselves in public. How hard can it be to line up a bunch of happenings and try not to put too many of them at the same time, but not try too hard because the university doesn’t really give a shit about its students? And now imagine you have a magical thinking box called a computer, that fucking can do all this shit in about thirty seconds. That’s right. About as hard as a geriatric’s penis before he gets a prescription for some kind of magic sex pill as seen on TV. Yuck.

Okay, here’s the straight up skinny on university examination timetabling. Yes, it blows goats. But holy shit, you’re at Victoria fucking University, the worst university in the country. Our student association is so shit we don’t even need VSM to go broke. Our student culture consists of sitting in front of an Xbox bitching about how Orientation sucked. The teaching and research may or may not be okay, I don’t know, I’m not an academic, but judging by the rape-train that pulled into Victoria University station last time those PBRF magic ranking dealies came out (we sucked at everything, just so you know) I’m guessing that in fact that shit sucks too. I don’t really get migraines from the exam timetabling, so I can’t give a rating forthis review – it’s more like a sort of dull thumping feeling, like sex when you’re really not into it. It’s the dull, grey knowledge that yet again, Victoria University have made a shit decision for no reason other than that they hate you and they hate themselves. It makes you think.

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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