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If this year is remembered for anything, it will be remembered as the year that democracy actually succeeded in achieving something. Nick Kelly, boil on the ass of VUWSA and all-round embarrassment to students everywhere, was ejected from student politics to the harsh reality of the dole. Honestly, everything else basically pales in comparison for me. The University could have decided to spend all its money on a forest of doom, planted it all up in the buildings so that nobody could get anywhere, and then unleashed Rape Bears to gamble and play, and sexually violate students at random, and I would still have counted this as a good year. A bunch of other stuff happened – such as Don Brash (now known to one-and-all as D-Brizzle, player supreme), declaring the Labour Party to be corrupt for spending money that they probably should not have spent. D-Brizzle is a man who knows all about corruption. When you do this with public money it is called stealing. When done with money from those members of the Business Roundtable that you aren’t currently having sex with, we call it lobbying.
Recently, the devil Republicans from Ameri KKKa (for those of you not wise in foreign business, the Republicans are on the same team as Bu$h and $addam Hu$$ein) got messed up pretty bad by this whole Mark Foley deal. Foley seems to have forgotten the cardinal rule of politics: if one is going to build one’s career on hating the homo-gays and the kiddy-fiddlers, it would be wise to make sure that you are not in fact a homo-gay kiddy-fiddler before doing so. And while I am disinclined to say much of anything positive about this year’s VUWSA Exec – worst student politicans ever, worse even than the Ngai Tauira Exec that let that dude steal all their money last year, worse even than Scott Trainor (improbable as it sounds) – at least none of the VUWSA exec-tards actually ran on a policy of antimuppet bigotry. Because muppets they surely were. Nick Kelly may have been the terribly, terribly incompetent driver at the wheel while VUWSA plunged into the abyss of insolvency, but in his defence (oh rarest of phrases!), the car that he was driving was basically made of fail and drama. The Exec members spent all their time fucking each other in every sense of the word, when as we all know their real mission in life is to sit down and shut the fuck up while more competent unelected volunteers do all of the important work (viz. writing Salient).
As a consequence, the levy we all pay to be members of VUWSA has been raised – and a big high five to all the comedic geniuses that pointed out that it was just like when the University raised our fees since I hadn’t noticed this because I’m a fucking moron who has my head encased in concrete. I’ve always hoped that one day a man of steel would take over VUWSA and cure its biggest problem – no, not that nasty outbreak of herpes they all seem to have caught – that problem being: too much democracy. And while I still do not much care for the man, I must admit I had high hopes for Nick Kelly. He had all the ingredients of the ruthless dictator: dumb, wacky political opinions, and a strong personal following combined with incredible unpopularity. All he needed was a crazy moustache. I really thought maybe he would be the man to do what needed to be done: smash the Exec, crush Ngai Tauira and deport all dissidents to gulags in Aro Valley. But no, he proved that in the end, he ain’t nothing but a bitch, and the pathetic Weimar farce that is student democracy at Victoria University sputtered on for another year.
Ahem. Got a little historical there. But can you blame a man, when the only thing of note that really happened around the University was that VUWSA fucked up even more than usual? Woohoo, they finally resolved some bullshit dispute about the Union building that nobody cares about. Choo choo! All aboard the What Train to Nobody Cares City! But what’s this? We’re taking a detour, all the way to We’re A Fucking Useless Exec And Now We Have No Money Village. The best bit is how despite lots of manufactured outrage nobody actually bothered to fucking vote and as a consequence we got rid of Nick Kelly but acquired some other muppet and a whole bunch more muppets and goddamn why do we even bother with elections when all we ever elect is muppets and a guy called Bernard-Bernard Galaxy?
Oh well, at least the muppets are entertaining, and provide enough fodder to take your mind off the dismal state of the world this year; Iraq is still shit, Bush is still dumb, Helen Clark is still a dude. Did anything else happen this year? Fucked if I know. There’s nothing cooler than apathy, except maybe such bands as Journey and perhaps such TV shows as House. I look back to the start of the year, when I advised you all that Wellington was a shit town and you should just settle back and wean yourself onto a diet of television and internet porn, and basically all I can say in retrospect is that I was fucking right, as usual. The only thing I was maybe wrong about was the student politics – I unjustly described it as total wank, but it’s probably the cheapest entertainment a man can find in this filthy hellhole of a town. I may see you all next year, or I may be conscripted into the war against Korean atomic robots.Who knows? We live in interesting fucking times.