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February 19, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Inappropriate Erections:

1. Life-Modelling
2. Bathing Nana
3. Delivering the eulogy
4. Born-again Baptist
5. Congo line

Reasons for second-years to hate first-years:

1. No one likes being last year’s model
2. Unwelcome competition for the few shaggable tutors
3. They still have money
4. Their livers are undamaged
5. Every experience is new, leaving them in a constant state of wide-eyed wonder – the bastards!

Substances being sold to fi rst-years as drugs:

1. Paprika
2. Oregano
3. Tic-tacs
4. Dried rabbit poo
5. Mulched copies of last-year’s Salient

You won’t be doing again this year:

1. Reading for pleasure
2. Eating well
3. Spending a week sober
4. Watching junk without feeling the need to intellectually justify or analyse it
5. Sleeping – if you’re an architecture student

Signs you’ve been at Vic too long:

1. You’ve had a $6 pint at Eastside
2. You find yourself agreeing with the mature student
3. You’ve been at a student protest with more than five people
4. You remember Marxism
5. You remember Brunswick

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (9)

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  1. Ummm… Jokes about second years hating first years, jokes about getting drunk, a Brunswick reference, an unfunny muse on erections, and worst of all, poorly construed jokes about drugs and communism. Wow. Kind of 2002 all over again. Brunswick dominated, and people had just discovered the joys of Seinfeldianly musing over the intricate relationship between first years and anyone else. Hey, even masturbating five times a day over 23 year old lesbians dressing up as school girls and going down on each other while “swearing” that it’s their first time and they were taken in by the moment got old soon enough. And how old is Grant Buist now? 50?

    Didn’t top 5 used to be funny? Or did all that PCP from the summer shrink my brain?

  2. Brunswick says:

    23 year old lesbians? Has this man been reading my diary?

  3. Laura says:

    Hey, Nathaniel Hornblower:
    PS. Your website sucks.

  4. These snosberries taste like snosberries.

  5. Uther says:

    Hey, I’m a first year and I remember Brunswick.

  6. Jono Newton says:

    I have a problem I have had a $4 Jug at eastside… but a $6 pint seems expensive I remember $2 pints…is this a bad sign??

  7. Brunswick says:

    It was supposed to say “You’ve had a $6 pint -at Eastside” but someone subbed out the dash. The point being you had the pint when it was still Eastside. If you remember having a $2 pint, say, at the Hunter Lounge -you’re older than I am. Although I’m not 50.

  8. Jono Newton says:

    $6 Pint?? are you sure you don’t mean jugs? I’m not yet 25 and I have had a $2 Pint and a $4 Jug AT EASTSIDE…

  9. regina spektor says:

    EASTSIDE for life!

    vics going down :-(

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