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March 26, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Races You Didn’t Know Were Nearly Extinct:

  1. Muppets.
  2. Norwegian Church burners.
  3. Hippies.
  4. ‘Real’ Heavy Metal
  5. Polar Fleeces

Wanking Euphemisms:

  1. Pull up the purple headed gristle thistle
  2. Visiting Rosy Palm and her five lovely daughters
  3. Wax the dolphin, jack the beanstalk
  4. Shaking hands with the Baron of Luuuurv!
  5. Monkey’s Fag Break

Liberators:

  1. George W Bush
  2. Tony Blair
  3. John Howard
  4. Claudius Augustus
  5. The spaceship from Blake’s 7

Better TV Shows:

  1. Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire?
  2. America’s Next Topless Model
  3. 60 Midgets
  4. Mork and Indie
  5. H*A*S*H

Theories About Marilyn Monroe’s Death:

  1. Anna Nicole Smith did it. Like, with time travel an’ shit.
  2. ‘A Black Man Dun it!’
  3. She’s not dead, she’s just pretending.
  4. I blame Society.
  5. Suicide. THE best way to get famous.

Most Likely Demise of Humankind:

  1. Overbreeding
  2. The Borg
  3. Fundamentalist Christians with their fi nger on the Button
  4. Bono
  5. Everyone standing in a line and farting, thus propelling the world off its orbit, spinning us into the sun and rendering us all crispy

Least Awful Things About the Quad:

  1. It gives the smokers somewhere to… oh, forget that
  2. If anyone ever wants make a film set in Beirut, here’s the set
  3. That sculpture’s really… interesting
  4. That crappy plastic canopy may eventually come back into fashion
  5. Well, the mural’s nice

Things to Do Whilst on Parole:

  1. Write a boring biography
  2. Become “the predominant gangsta in the Wellington region”
  3. Run away and join the VUWSA
  4. Auto-erotic asphyxiation
  5. Join a prayer meeting, pick up rubbish, and help old people

Best Serial Killers:

  1. Jason Voorhees
  2. Marilyn Manson
  3. Ed Gein
  4. Heavy Metal Music
  5. That guy from that kids show…uh…Pee Wee Herman.

Tricky Tricksters:

  1. Road Runner
  2. David Blaine
  3. Sisyphus
  4. Run DMC
  5. Allan Bollard
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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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