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April 30, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Marilyn Manson is having a midlife crisis

Midlife Crisis ahoy. Manson’s right smack in the midst of one. We just know it. And here are the reasons why:

He’s traded in his hot, burlesque dancing wife (whom he spent a good six years chasing after) for a younger, blonder model. From thiry-four year old Dita Von Teese to nineteen year old Evan Rachael Wood. Nineteen. That’s a fifteen year jump in dates. Dita filed for divorce in December, saying he partied too much…or something…but it looks like he was just doing the dirty on her and humping a teenager, while she was sitting around in giant martini glasses.

Not that Evan Rachael Wood isn’t creepy enough on her own, anyway. Does anyone remember her in that god-awful, ten-minute long Green Day video? What WAS she thinking? Somehow, I think, that is going to be the question that haunts her career – “ohmygod, what WAS she thinking?”

She’s attractive enough. Talented, even. So why Manson?

Why? Lets face it, she could do so much better than some middle-aged pseudo-goth whose art, quite frankly, is terrible (see photo at right). Unless she couldn’t. Now, there’s an unsettling thought. Maybe there just aren’t enough sexy men for a kinky nineteen year old in Hollywood.

Luckily, though, Manson loves hot teenage pussy. Little Rachael will be getting it goth-style. And she’s not the only one. Rumour has it that Manson recently shot up Angelina Jolie with heroin (well, according to, anyway).

In-between picking up her rainbow family, Jolie apparently has succumbed to the lure of the M-man. Perhaps Brad Pitt wasn’t her type after all. Not hot or rich enough. Obviously.

Manson’s makeup stylings maybe were just too much for her to resist…he looked at her, with those bedroom eyes, and, BAM! Junked-up sex. Just wait, soon Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and the new one (whose name we can’t remember) will have a freaky looking half-Manson sibling.

Now, Mr. Manson has always been a particularly marketing-savvy kind of guy. To have all these scandals emerge when we have heard literally nothing from him for aaages – right at the time when his new album is due out? Highly suspicious. As the old adage goes, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Could this all just be a ploy to get our attention? A strategy to make money from scandal? Could Dita be waiting in the wings, laughing her head off, as we all pre-order the new album, ‘Eat-Me Drink-Me’?

Or is Marilyn Manson just making money from his own mid-life crisis? By using it as a publicity stunt, he’s turned himself into a very newsworthy event – drugs, sex, cradle-snatching, cheating, high-$ divorces and celebrities – it doesn’t get much juicier than this. The media are having a field day. Especially the bloggers – which is where we, of course, got all of our very credible information from.

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