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April 30, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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People in Iraq Didn’t Get Killed Today

American Soldiers Mystified

A leaked document from the United States Army to the Head of Security at the White House has revealed a startling fact: on Sunday, April 22, there were no casualties across the whole of Iraq, either in the insurgency or in the occupying force.

G.N.M. received this startling report from a source in the White House who shall remain nameless, save for her last name. Mrs X. Rice contacted G.N.M. early in the morning on Monday to relay this story so that we could bring it directly to YOU, the reader. Upon checking the validity of Mrs X. Rice’s claim, G.N.M. can safely state that there were no casualties in Iraq on Sunday, April 22.

The report outlines that though there were troop movements between garrison towns by US soldiers, and satellite reports of covert movements of US marines, there was not a single person killed on Sunday by US forces. Interviewed soldiers said they were “shocked and dismayed” and that “maybe the insurgency just got sick of being shot at.”

One goat farmer who was taking his flock to Baghdad to sell at the Sunday markets said he was “surprised that the US soldiers didn’t just start shooting out of boredom. But then again, maybe they didn’t want to incite the insurgency to fight them. Perhaps they are both just sick of shooting at each other and can’t be bothered with this stupid war any more. Whatever the reason though, it’s nice to be able to move my goats to market without losing them for being scared or getting shot at.”

A United States commander who chose to remain nameless suggested that “this was all ta’ do with ’em insurgence taking notice of the Lord’s Day. ’Bout time too, I was getting sick of being shot at while in my church every Sunday. Still, our boys not shootin’ at ’em is a bit of a disappointment. Figure I’ll get my lads to double their efforts in shootin’ at ’em, make up for them lost casualties. That and we got our cruise missile usage quota coming up… figure we’ll bust out a couple of them, make up for lost time.”

This is interesting as it comes at a time when US soldiers and NZ operatives in Afghanistan have started to report that the weather is becoming unseasonably cold. Indeed there have been reports of Afghanistan freezing over, which, given that it’s the middle of spring there, with summer fast approaching, is rather strange for the desert hell-hole. One mystic G.N.M. spoke to on a tarot line (at $4.99 per minute which VUWSA would not subsidise) suggested this was the Universe’s outlet for the displaced equilibrium that occurred when someone didn’t die in Iraq. Madam Moon the Third claimed that “Because the balance of life and death was not fulfilled, the Universe is leaking out its unspent energy in some other form.” In short, G.N.M. surmises that Hell is freezing over.

G.N.M. can only hope that more deaths occur in Iraq, or if all else fails, Compton, so that Afghanistan may have its quota of dead people. And then Hell hopefully won’t freeze over, because Lord only knows what will happen if it does.

G.N.M.: your source for the news that matters.

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