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April 23, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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R.I.P. Your Childhood Dreams ‘Bout a Man Who Was Awfully Tortured. (Involves Candy)

Easter! Commemorating Our Lord Jesus Christ being brutally tortured – then turned into a zombie – but by using rituals from pagan northern-spring rites – despite the fact that it is more autumnal here in godzone. And how, may I ask, do we make this zombierific spring-fall celebration? Why, by LYING to our Children that a Bunny gives them Chocolate, of course.

God I love how logical humans are. Look at the way they trace those lines of reasoning, the ones that deduct right over their heads like so many concorde jets. Instead of making up our own stories for our progeny, we tack onto what the Warehouse, Cadbury and our peers sell us. How does it help to tell your kid that a bunny hides shit you bought, even as you can watch little Sebastian grow aware that an animal with no opposable thumbs is not going to be buying him his favourite drugs (sugar and cocoa) from the shops, sneaking it behind obstacles, and repeat ad infinitum for the myriad other bemused kiddywinkles of this world?

It would probably be more appropriate to stare at paintings of Jesus’ naked torso, torn abs gleaming with sticky red life-fluid but with that ultimately pious look in his eye, like he wants to be everything. And while we are doing so, oughtn’t we rather whip ourselves with three cords, each with a sharp pin tied to their end – the delicious flagellum? I know I would. Maybe with some Cradle. Some red wine. I will, of course, keep the chocolate. (‘cos Jesus looks sexy without his shirt)…and it’s what he would want.

Amen.

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Tristan Egarr edited in 2008. He threw a chair once.

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