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May 7, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Burger King to stop using ground kitten in burger recipe

This week my sources dug up a slip of paper that was apparently found in some fast food executive’s waste paper basket by their illegal Mexican immigrant cleaner. It would appear that fast food empire Burger King will be changing its ultra-secret recipe for its burger patties from the more commonplace ingredient of stray kittens, to that of the less common, beef.

Upon consulting with sources, G.N.M managed to garner an interview with the vice head president in charge of ingredients memos and to our surprise he was willing to comment on this king-sized change.

For the purposes of his job safety he will remain nameless other than the pseudonym ‘Jimmy the Butcher of Little Kittens’.

Jimmy: “Well, you see the reason why we have had to make such a drastic change to what we put in the burgers is that the supply of little kittens in and around our manufacturing plant has started to dry up. For awhile management thought about implementing a kitten quota, and then supplementing the rest of the meat with disregarded orphaned babies but this proved to be markedly unviable.”

G.N.M : “Why was this, was it because people who were higher up in the company put the kibosh on it as it was unethical?”

Jimmy: “No no, of course not, it was more to do with the depletion of baby supplies as McDonald’s had cornered the market and was attempting to sell the rendered baby meat to its competitors. So we gathered together for our quarterly meeting and de- cided after much deliberation that cows were the best option. However, sadly this will mean that there will be a 2-300 per cent increase in price of our burgers. Which is a shame as it would appear that the market cost of most average burgers is going to drop by that. We only hope people will come to us based on our quality heritage.”

When asked to comment on what exactly he thought constituted that quality heritage, Jimmy the Butcher of Little Kittens declined to comment.

So it would appear that even right down the line in New Zealand, we too will be affected by this drastic inflation in price. This has prompted some students to tear up their student cards in frustration. When asked about his view on the subject, a Mr. J Page commented, “It’s bullshit. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with a student card that’s making my burgers 40 per cent cheaper, when even after the discount it’s still going to be the same as going to McDonald’s.”

When asked to comment on the now public information that both Burger King and McDonald’s use non-beef related products in their burgers his reply was, “well…I guess it’s better than that crap at Uni-Stop.”

G.N.M then sought out a response from heads of MacDonald’s New Zealand to this startling allegation. Its representative was tight lipped but said, “McDonald’s New Zealand is currently in the process of suing the owners of Burger King New Zealand, as we do indeed use prime New Zealand beef in our burgers. Though it must be said this will be the only case that will be put against Burger King as indeed for some time it has been company policy to use orphaned children as a beef substitute.”

When asked why New Zealand was different from the rest of the global company he replied, “well, to comply with the principles of the Treaty of Waitangi, the New Zealand branch of McDonald’s managed to annex its own company policy and thus we can do what we like with our product. It was a unique and landmark victory for the New Zealand consumer that day.” When asked exactly how he could say this as the quality of food was pretty damn poor anyway, he declined to comment.

At the end of the day G.N.M is left to ask who the hell is looking after all those poor disenfranchised students who now can’t get a cheap crap meal to replace the otherwise good food they could cook. It certainly isn’t McDonald’s, it’s probably not K.F.C and Lord knows it isn’t our flatmates. This mole thinks that its high time people look to other forms of meat such as the chihuahua and vegan, because after all, if it works for those kebab joints, it sure as hell will work for you.

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