Viewport width =
May 7, 2007 | by  | in Uncategorised |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Cooking with Aunt Daisy

Good moaning, everybody, good moaning! A batch of scones is just the thing with a pot of tea and this recipe is quite the best I know. When I have my lady friends over for afternoon tea, these scones simply drive them wild…

500g flour
300 mls milk
1 t salt
1 large egg, beaten
2 t baking soda
75g cold, diced butter
4 t cream of tartar
1 baking tray, lined with baking paper

Sift flour, salt, baking soda and cream of tartar into a large bowl. Rub in the fat till it looks rather like dampened sand. Add the milk, mix briefly, and then turn out onto a floured surface. Knead gently till it forms a dough, and roll out till 3cms thick. Using a cutter, stamp out rounds of dough and lay them on the tray.

Brush the tops with the egg, and bake at 220 C for 10-15 minutes. This of course, will leave you with some time on your hands…

While ten minutes may be a tad short for a great rollicking session of coitus, there is of a course a much shorter alternative, which works just perfectly for that awfully dull waiting period while you watch your gentle scones rise: oral sex.

Now, for you straight girls and gay boys out there, giving head can be just like sipping on a lollipop. In fact, with the advent of those new-fangled flavoured condoms, you can just about close your eyes and think back to then you were a wee lass, when a sweet round candy rolled over your tongue. Of course, you shouldn’t just suck away when faced with a tender penis. One must take extra special care that one’s teeth are safely tucked up behind one’s lips.

Try starting with a gentle kiss upon the tip. You should feel a wee quiver as it hardens. I always find softly massaging the scrotum of one’s lover to be a nice warm-up too. Now it is time to apply your tongue – make sure it is not too dry, then gently run it down the underside of your man’s shaft. Perhaps you could try twisting it up and around his cock, before taking the knob in your mouth. Gently massage with your tongue a few times; then let the knob sit inside as your saliva warms its flesh. Finally, you can start going deeper, while keeping your tongue moving.

What to do when his milk finally flows is always a tricky question. Some enjoy the taste; others find it a little tarty, especially after certain foods. It is comforting to know that most men will not mind if you spit – just try not to look too disgusted as you do so.

For you straight boys and lesbian lasses, the task is a little more difficult.

Going down on a woman is complicated by the hidden intricacies of the pussy, especially if your girl has a large bush of pubic hair. This can get stuck between your teeth, which is never going to make the task at hand (and tongue) easy. I find a good starting point is to kiss down her belly, gently tasting her skin with the tip of your tongue. As you get lower, make a teasing detour past her crotch to mouth the inside of her thighs, before moving back up and blowing cool air gently over her labia. It is now time to go exploring.

The clitoris, sometimes referred to as nature’s Rubix cube, can be a difficult find for men. Remember that it is not too far inside the walls of her vagina, so you don’t need to go in for any extreme deep-channel surfing. Of course, it helps to be creative with movements – alternating twirls and spirals for simple up-and-down motions can be a delightful treat. Keep at it and don’t forget to respond to her moans – the louder the moan, the better you’re doing! If you follow this advice you should be done in time to eat.

And so, 15 minutes later, ta da! Large, soft, moist scones, ready to be eaten slathered with butter (well, that’s how I like mine). These go down a treat after a bout of exercise, so remember to make enough for two.

Next week: How to make deep handfuls of pancake!

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments (1)

Trackback URL / Comments RSS Feed

  1. willy says:

    Cooking with aunt daisy is possibly the funniest column in this otherwise adequate publication. My friends and I have a good chuckle over it weekly, Please put more of it in.

Recent posts

  1. SWAT
  2. Ravished by the Living Embodiment of All Our University Woes
  3. New Zealand’s First Rainbow Crossing is Here (and Queer)
  4. Chloe Has a Yarn About Mental Health
  5. “Stick with Vic” Makes “Insulting” and “Upsetting” Comments
  6. Presidential Address
  7. Final Review
  8. Tears Fall, and Sea Levels Rise
  9. It’s Fall in my Heart
  10. Queer Coverage: Local, National, and International LGBTQIA+ News
Website-Cover-Photo7

Editor's Pick

This Ain’t a Scene it’s a Goddamned Arm Wrestle

: Interior – Industrial Soviet Beerhall – Night It was late November and cold as hell when I stumbled into the Zhiguli Beer Hall. I was in Moscow, about to take the trans-Mongolian rail line to Beijing, and after finding someone in my hostel who could speak English, had decided