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May 14, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Cricket Hell

From a March 14 report by Scott Murray on an India vs New Zealand cricket match, published on the Guardian website.


It’s really simple: India are already through, New Zealand have to win.

Meanwhile, have you ever thought WHAT SORT OF LIFE IS THIS AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING BOARDING A TRAIN FOR MOORGATE AT 6.30 IN THE MORNING AND THEN STANDING AROUND FOR AGES WAITING FOR A TUBE WHILE STARING AT A SIGN TELLING YOU THAT IF YOU WAIT FOR FOUR MINUTES YOU CAN BOARD A TRAIN TO UXBRIDGE I’D RATHER WAIT FOUR HOURS FOR A JOURNEY WITH THE GRIM REAPER QUITE FRANKLY AND THEN YOU GET TO WORK AND THEN THERE’S THIS AND I KNOW THE CRICKET’S GOOD AND ALL THAT BUT I’VE GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF BED THIS MORNING AND IN ANY CASE IT’S NOT AS IF I’LL WRITE A CRACKING MATCH REPORT AND THEN GET REWARDED BY BElNG SENT ON A WONDERFUL ASSIGNMENT AROUND THE WORLD BECAUSE I’LL BE VERY SURPRISED IF ANY OF MY BOSSES WILL READ ANY OF THIS LET’S BE HONEST THEY WON’T ALTHOUGH ON THE OTHER HAND THAT’S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL HEY I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO GET A WAY WITH TYPING THINGS LIKE THIS KIqL!UYSI\%$DFLI ZSDSAFCSFE4092 )(1\(*1\0”$ bBLKU E87503 96*&f\l)’oo*”$ogb LOOK I’M SORRY THIS ISN’T EXACTLY THE SORT OF QUALITY EDITORIAL COPY YOU EXPECT FROM THE GUARDIAN BUT LOOK AT THE FACTS I’M ADRIFT IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF THE WORST CITIES IN THE WORLD SITTING IN FRONT OF THE SAME COMPUTER SCREEN I FACE DAY AFTER INTERMINABLE DAY HELL I COULD BE WAKING UP IN SAY THE MALDIVES OR SYDNEY OR COPENHAGEN OR A CROFTER’S COTTAGE IN SKYE AND GOING FOR A WALK IN THE CRISP MORNING AIR?

No? Only me then. Good.

Handling Alibis

From a description of services offered by the Alibi Agency Ltd, a company based in Lancashire, England. The Alibi Agency donates a portion of its profits to charities benefiting children from broken homes.

Many of us have occasion to stray from our long-term partners, to dally in a brief sexual relationship with a third party. But with modern communications, it has become increasingly difficult to do so without risk of detection. Public knowledge of such a relationship can put an incredible strain on all parties concerned: family life, the home, the business, and your children’s welfare can all be put on the line. The Alibi Agency was established to provide a way out of this situation. By handling “alibis” for you, we can help protect your loved ones from undue anxiety, ensuring the financial security and stability of a long-term relationship.

We offer a full and professional alibi service: we’ll send invitations for corporate events, seminars, or sporting events to your home, then telephone you or your wife to confirm bookings. If someone tries to contact you, our receptionists will take the call as a hotel receptionist, for example, or a golf club secretary. We will let the caller hear us try to page you, then offer to take a message when you can’t be found. If we know where you are, we can even ring you while the caller is on hold, then patch the call through as if it were to your “room.” We also take care of payments for hotels, meals, or gifts, then bill your credit card for car repairs or software purchases.

Most sexual affairs are inconsequential to your long-term relationships. Our aim is to provide total peace of mind for you and your family.

Peeping Tom

From the transcript of a telephone call made to ‘Mr. Apology’, a New York City conceptual artist who operates a phone line for anonymous confessions.

Callers are informed that they will be taped, and selected confessions are replayed for other callers in a thematic series of ‘programs’, which the artist changes twice a month. The phone line is advertised on fliers distributed around New York and other cities. Since its inception in 1980, the Apology Line has received thousands of calls. ‘Mr. Apology’ maintains that anonymity is necessary for his safety.

Yes, I’m calling from New Jersey. And, uh, well, I own this motel. It’s not really mine, it’s my father’s, but he’s old and, you know, for all intents and purposes, it’s mine. And I’ve sort of made a couple of modifications: I’ve put holes between rooms so that I can go into vacant rooms and look into occupied ones. I’ve been really into this lately.

At first I thought it was innocent, you know, nobody would know but me, and what’s the big deal, you know.

If I get off doing that, then, hey, what the hell. It’s boring around here and a lot of times the beds are made, everything’s done, and there’s nothing to do. So why not? Why not look at a pretty woman dressing, or, maybe if you’re lucky, catch a couple doing it. Covers or anything.

I could see perfectly. So I got my camera and I took a few pictures of her. When I got the pictures back, I sent them into a porno magazine for this amateur contest. And I thought, what an immense turn-on it was that I, like, not only violated this woman’s privacy and took pictures of her, but I sent them to a magazine.

Anyway, now I’m really worried, because if she sees it or someone she knows sees it, then she’ll know it’s from the motel, and maybe I could go to jail or something. My guess is the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but it’s stilI something to think about.

But I continue to do this. Just before I called, I went down the hall and checked out 603. Nothing was really going on but, you know, even when there’s nothing going on – even if it’s, like, just somebody watching TV or even cutting their toenails, or whatever – just knowing that I’m looking and they don’t know I’m there is an amazing rush, an amazing feeling of power.

On the Apology Line, I hear these stories about all sorts of other people who do these weird things that make the stuff I do seem pretty innocent and tame. Like, I heard about a guy doing this thing with a gorilla one time. And there are other people doing stuff to their kids. That’s a terrible, terrible business. This motel thing doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me.

I mean, let’s face it, this is New Jersey. And if you’re gonna stay in a motel in New Jersey – you know, I mean, it’s Jersey, you know? I mean, it’s not the Trump Plaza.

It’s just a little shit-hole in New Jersey, and if you want to stay here, you’re taking certain risks. This damn fucking room is $35 a night! I mean, I mean – God, I guess the reason I continue to babble like this is it does upset me.

I don’t want to lose the old man’s motel because of my perversions. It’s bad enough when people swipe the towels and stuff like that. We’re not exactly a ‘no vacancy’ type of place. Pretty much most of the motel is usually empty, and you know all that shit adds up. One lawsuit and I’m finished, done. If this woman sues me, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I think the old man would probably – you know, I mean, I barely make enough money to pay for his TV dinners. And his Craft-Marie bed, and the contour lounge chair, and the Clapper, and all this shit he says he’s gotta have to fuckin’ maintain his lifestyle. “Gotta have a color TV. Gotta have a color TV.” That’s all I hear.

Anyway, thank you for listening to me, Mr. Apology.

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