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May 14, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Fugging Socialites

This week, we were short on time and ideas. So we decided to go to the lowest common denominator and talk about stupid (but fun) websites that we get into, because we are procrastinating gossip mongers.


The first is www.gofugyourself.com. This is a goddamn awesome website. The deal is that there are two ladies who look at the many photos of celebrities which turn up in the media and make snarky yet intelligent remarks about their outfits. If they disapprove of the outfit, it is ‘fugly’ (as in, “Trang Pak is a fugly slut” – see Mean Girls), and the person is a ‘fug’ (as in, “Fugly Fughan”). If the celebrities actually manage to look classy, a reluctant and sometimes tentative “Well Played” note will be written. The genius of this site is that is seems to say exactly what a normal person would say while examining the pages of New Weekly – for example, in response to a particularly strange MK Olsen outfit: “Mary-Kate prefers costuming herself as the Russian mail-order bride of an old heavyset man named Bud, who showed up to claim her at the airport with a wilted bouquet of daisies, a packet of beef jerky, coffee and beer stains on the undershirt that showed beneath his torn sportcoat, and a genuine imitation cubic zirconia rock that he got in a box of Lucky Charms. He will then whisk her away to the most middling suite available at the Sahara in Las Vegas and make an honest, frightened woman out of her.”

Brilliant. It’s not rocket science, but it’s enjoyable to read if you are into that kind of thing. And we certainly are. It also saves you from spending that extra $4.70 every week on New Weekly magazines, which is always good. Another bonus is that it is online and saves trees, unlike New Weekly. Writing this column has made us hate on that nasty little magazine. $4.70 wasted, every week. Count how many you have at home and figure out how much money you’ve spent on New Weeklys.

It’s so depressing.

Another good site to look at if you want to achieve nothing is www.socialiterank.com, which comes with this lovely little warning on its page: “Next time you think about skipping that certain gala, wearing that unknown designer, dating some weird band member – beware. We’re watching. And your ranking is on the line! The only society ranking list that matters.”

Fuck Cosmo – this site is waaay better! Basically, these New York bitches rate socialites on things like which events they did or didn’t attend, who they’re doing, what they’re wearing and how many magazine covers they’ve shown up on. They then provide you with a chart – the ‘NY Social Elite Power Ranking’ – that shows us that this week, Tinsley Mortimer (who the fuck is she?!) is at number 1, with 43.5 points. They love this chick Tinsley. The whole website is practically a shrine to her (see picture at left).

There’s all sorts of other fascinating features available to you on this site as well, such as ‘chic of the week’ where you can pick one of five socialites to have your vote for the chic of this week (hmm…Lydia Hearst, Olivia Chantecaille, Tory Burch, Amanda Hearst or Georgina Chapman? I just can’t decide who to choose), and there’s the awards section, which features things like ‘the silver spoon award’.

The only person we recognised there was Ivanka Trump (Donald’s daughter).

There are profiles of all the socialites (where we still couldn’t find out who the hell Tinsley Mortimer is) and a socialite’s guide. This tells you how to get your photo taken at celebrity events and parties, imploring you to “take an ugly friend with you,” and “find that abandoned drag queen and ask him or her to teach you some poses. Because in this century, pictures signify your social existence.”

And that, my friends, is the ethos of www.socialiterank.com.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS:

fug•ly (adj.)
frightfully ugly; of or pertaining to something beyond the boundaries of normal unattractiveness. Ex: “That ‘Kabbalists Do It Better’ trucker hat is fugly.

fug (n.)
1. A state of extreme ugliness. Ex: “The level of fug at the Video Music Awards is always hard to stomach.
2. A proper name for someone possessed of eternal heinousness, such as Chloe Sevigny: “Oh look, there’s Fug, looking all miserable and dour in her black turtleneck and white frilly farm dress.

fug•ging (v.)
The act of posting on one’s blog in order to identify something excruciatingly ugly. Ex: “Hey, I am fugging Li’l Kim again for wearing only a tiny piece of cloth.”

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