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May 14, 2007 | by  | in Uncategorised |
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Horoscope

This week the stars and planets have come into an odd alignment, which resembles David Bowie’s face. This can only signify that peculiar times are upon us.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 18)

As Jupiter moves into your living room this week, you will start to feel depressed and sad. There is only one solution to this problem: alcohol. The stars say that your large alcohol intake in the coming few days will bring happiness when there was little before, and joy when there was only despair. Watch out for Water Buffalos.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

This week you will discover you are actually a homosexual. If you were already aware of this fact it is quite likely that you were mistaken and you’re actually straight. Although this may seem confusing at first, you will get used to it. Mercury’s influence will make this a quick transition while the soothing effects of Uranus will definitely entice your naughty side.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The stars seem to be playing a trick on you this week. You will have a splendiferous week until Friday, when you will die. Before you go on to a better place, please write cheques made out to Jackson Wood – send them to me at the Salient office, in the Student Union Building.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Make time for important issues like cleaning and redressing your syphilitic sores this week. Also, be wary of Pisces with the Ebola virus this week. You may be shocked when you discover loose change under your foreskin.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

Erectile dysfunction will hit you hard this week, with Saturn’s passage past Uranus’ line in your constellation. Your wife may leave you and take out full colour pages in the Dom Post about your… ummm… problem. But never fear, because your wife is more than likely to be an Aries. Your lucky colour of the week is puce.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 21)

Fundamentally, Cancers are egotistical people. This will be more than the case this week, when you single handedly win the Louis Vuitton cup for team China, beat Dan Carter in a kicking competition, win the million from Eddie Maguire on the Australian Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and create peace for all in our time. Let your ego get out of hand – you deserve a power trip.

Leo (Jul 22 – Aug 22)

Let’s face it. It’s time to come clean to your partner about all those dirty little secrets you’ve been hiding from them – that night in Palmerson North… those mens undies she/he found in your car…your leperosy. Now is the perfect time to do this, while the forgiving Venus is enhancing your mental energy.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Mars is riding high through Virgo this entire month. Beware of the sudden emergence of devil-like tendencies. It is more than likely you will trick a family of Pacific Islanders to live in your garage, sell their organs and feast on their uncooked flesh during the next full moon.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It seems like no one is listening to you, but it’s not true. Everyone is listening to you. They just think you’re an idiot. Please shut the fuck up and let everybody else learn during lectures. Even Neptune wishes it could break the laws of gravity so it could come down and tape your mouth shut, stuff you in the back of his Cortina and dump you somewhere in the asteroid belt.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

This week you will become famous for creating another one of those handy acronyms that will become everyday text parlance. It may pay to have a sense of humour this week when your doctor tells you it’s more than a yeast infection.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 20)

Don’t ask questions, but you might want to stock up on calamine lotion. You must find your inner self to be at peace. I recommend a 15 blade for cutting into yourself. It’s solid and reliable. Don’t fear men giving you candy.

Capricorn (Dec 21 – Jan 20)

It may pay to invest a certain amount of effort into personal grooming this week, you filthy piece of crap – Venus is rearing her hot little ass and some sweet loving is just around the corner for you, my friend. Remember that true love is the best contraceptive.

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About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

Comments (5)

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  1. Jackson Wood says:

    How the hell did I go from writing shit like this to being editor.

    Can somebody please tell me.

  2. Superior Mind says:

    I had a hand in it. This Horoscope was my favourite part of the awful Nicoll year. I was kind of hoping you’d do it every week.

  3. Jackson Wood says:

    Yeah. Well. I included something about coprophilia in my next one. Steve “Syph” Nicoll didn’t like that (or alternatively wanted to keep it for himself, wink wink).

    It will be making a comeback soon.

  4. Superior Mind says:

    Couldn’t handle coprophillia yet the guy was so full of shit he could have passed for a sewerage pump. If anyone ever asks me to define irony I’m counting on you to remind me that I already have.

  5. Moomama says:

    ewwwww yukyuk you guys are grousesesesesese. I just looked that word up. You guys must know all about it ewewewewewewew

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