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May 21, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Idiot’s guide to The Airport

I have just recently returned from a weekend excursion I took to the southern city of Dunedin (pronounced June-Din). That means I wasn’t home when you came round, and you probably shouldn’t have camped out on my doorstep, but you did, and that’s why you’re an idiot. If only you knew of some way to follow me on my journey!

First things first. A lot of people say that an airplane takes you from “A to B”. This confuses you, doesn’t it? Not just because you’ve never wanted to go to ‘B’, and you’re sure you’ve never been in ‘A’, but also because you don’t know what a plane is. A plane is like a motorized dart (the thing you throw at lecturers) and is found at an airport. There is a lot going on at an airport, and situations like this frighten the lowly idiot. Sometimes the idiot hits the bottle in this situation, and sometimes the bottle hits him. So this guide begins the moment you step inside the terminal.

Your first job is to let someone know you have arrived. The person to tell will be standing behind a desk, and giving people their ‘boarding passes’ in exchange for their luggage. This may make you remember when you go to town, and people give you alcohol when you give them your bank card, or magic money card. It’s the same. Wait in line (like you would at McDonalds) and when it is your turn, approach the ‘bar’. The ‘barperson’ will ask you for your name and a form of ID.

This is just like when you want to get into the pub at town. So try to act sober, and show them your driver’s license. They will then type into a computer, and take your bag from you. Remember – you’re getting a boarding pass, or magic ticket, which is way cooler than your luggage. So hand over your bag. Take your pass, and walk away. Don’t let them know you ripped them off.

What comes next is kind of like a scavenger hunt. What you need to find on your pass is a number, preceded by the word GATE. It’s like what a postie has to do. They look at the number on your (definitely not pornographic) magazine, and match that number to your mailbox. Now it’s your turn. Find the gate number on your boarding pass, and then look for that same number written on a wall somewhere, real big.

This is your gate. If you still have trouble, just do what Americans do and yell really loudly. In no time, you’ll be standing at your gate. Think of it like an entrance to a magic land, where you can fly. And that’s pretty much what it is.

Now, I hope you left your throwing knives at home, because they will take them off you here. You are asked to remove anything metal (heavy and shiny) from your pockets. And put them into a plastic tub. You may never get those items back UNLESS you are brave enough to step through the beeping doorway of doom. And hopefully you are, I mean, everyone else is. If you still have metal, the doorway will beep at you. The security staff will brand you a liar and this mistake could cost you dearly – it will certainly go on your permanent record with all those drunk and disorderly charges, and that sexual assault incident. What were you thinking?

If you make it through the doorway without it beeping, then your prize is getting all your stuff back! Well done. The only thing left to do now is to find your seat on the plane. This is like Level 2 of the gate-finding game, because the numbers will be smaller. If you get stuck, ask that nice man with the powder blue uniform to help you. He is a flight attendant and is not necessarily attracted to you. Although, let’s face it, he probably is. He is also your friend.

Now that you have found your seat, just follow the safety instructions provided in the seat back in front of you. Then, watch the video they play about the emergency procedures. Yes, that paper bag is in case you need to throw up. Bet you wish they had those in taxis, don’t you.

Now just sit, close your eyes and count upwards until the plane stops moving. Flying can be a bit overwhelming for the first time idiot – but at least once it does stop, your mummy will be there to meet you in the airport and pick up where I’ve left off.

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