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May 14, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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The Vatican to promote AC/DC’s 2007 album

My sources in the Italian press forwarded me an e-mail in the course of the week that was rather startling in its ramifications. It would appear that the current Pope Benedict has reneged his harsh stance on Australian heavy metal band AC/DC that he so strongly held during his formative years as a priest (not to be confused with Judas), and is apparently happy to allow the release of AC/DC’s up and coming album which they recorded last year.

My sources (from the Daily Gnocchi in Palmer) slipped this titbit to me with great intrigue. The young Pope was so adamant that AC/DC was the devil’s work, but now apparently endorses their forth-coming tour (which will accompany the as-of-yet unnamed album) wholeheartedly.

Indeed, the Pope has gone so far as to contact the booking agent of the ageing rockers in the hope that they may do a one-off, first-ever concert in the holy city. G.N.M went straight to the band when this information was passed on, and after talking to Malcolm and Angus Young about the possibility, they said that they wouldn’t rule it out: “perhaps it would be a gas playing for the ol’ bastard.” G.N.M had to ask how it felt to go from demonisation to now being embraced like some kind of prodigal son.

Angus had this to say:
“Well, I guess it’s just proof of how far some people can come. I mean, music heals all, man – it’s, like, bigger than a grudge or a religion. AC/DC is bigger than God, and maybe the Pope is, like, coming round to that, or something.”

Angus hastily added:
“That’s not to say that AC/DC think we are gods, we’re just well aware that we are more popular. We’re not about to start an army or nothing. That’s Kiss’s thing and, I mean, look how they turned out. That’s what you get for wearing makeup.”

G.N.M also had to know what rock’s two most famous brothers had to say about playing a gig in the holy city. Angus started by saying: “It would be a gas, man. I mean, how many hard rockin’ bands get to say that they packed out a country, even if it is some big city like the Vatican? It would be pretty killer, having all them guys in those crazy get-ups going nuts. We’re used to, like, crowds of bogans and shit, I mean, this would be, like, priests.”

Malcolm added:
“Yeah, like, it would be pretty ironic, us being affiliated with Satan and all. Still, I guess he woke up and smelled the hypocrisy. I mean, that bastard was in the goddamn Hitler youth and all. We may be affiliated with the devil, but I mean, at least he has some scruples. So in many scenes it would be like justice, but whatever, I mean, it’s all rock and roll.”

G.N.M hazards that there may be more practical notions for the heavy metal band being asked to play in the Vatican. As one theologian suggested, this would be a fine way to fast-track the thawing of hell. Something that you, the reader, will know has been going on ever since there weren’t enough deaths in Iraq.

Maybe heavy metal will be the true saviour of mankind. All this mole can say is: don’t burn that Kiss army card yet, for it may be a good time to be a Knight In Satan’s Service.

Your source for the truth,
G.N.M.

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