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July 30, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Becci

I have a problem for which I need serious help. I have a boyfriend and I love him so much. To pieces. He’s everything to me. Over the past few weeks I have developed very strong feelings for a girl. She wants to be with me, and I want her too. But I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do! I love my boyfriend, but I also like this girl – a lot, and I’ve never felt this strongly for a girl before.

She’s so beautiful and amazing. She is in all my lectures, and I just can’t take my eyes off of her. Last night we were all at a bar – the whole time my boyfriend was hugging me, kissing me – she was looking at me, and I was looking at her. She got really drunk and in the end fell over, because she couldn’t stand seeing me with him – even though they have been friends for almost five years. I don’t know what to do. Should I avoid the girl? Not reply to her texts? I can’t stop thinking about her, as I have never felt this way about a girl – but, at the same time, I love my boyfriend a lot! Confused, and don’t know what to do. Please help me!

By the sounds of it, this shouldn’t be a difficult decision to make. If you really love your boyfriend as much as you say, you shouldn’t jeopardise your relationship. Just because she’s the first girl you’ve felt this way about doesn’t mean there won’t be more, and there’s no sense risking a relationship you’re happy in for one you might be happy in. Hot girls come and go, but love is a little more important than that.

As for avoiding her, this may sound harsh, but it’s probably a little childish. If she’s in your lectures, it’s probably not all that practical anyway. If she’s as hung up on you as you make it sound, you need to talk to her and explain that you love your boyfriend. She’ll probably understand, and you can get on with your lives.

If she doesn’t, however, then you’re in a more difficult situation. If she’s friends with your boyfriend already, you need to tell her to think about what’s best for him as well. If possible, you need to find a way so that it doesn’t damage their friendship, or yours. Only if it becomes obvious that that isn’t going to happen should you consider cutting her out of your life and ignoring her.

One more thing to consider that isn’t directly related. Perving at hot guys and girls is a great way to get through a boring lecture – believe me, I do it all the time! It’s normally perfectly healthy, but not if it’s going to hurt your boyfriend. If you’re becoming obsessed with her, you’ll have to convince yourself to sit somewhere where you can’t see her. That way you’ll be thinking about her less, and less likely to do something you end up regretting.

I have been in love with this guy for about four years now and I just can’t seem to get over him! I don’t really want to tell him because our relationship is already precarious and I do want to be friends with him. I don’t know what to do. It gets worse – I share a lecture with him and inevitably see him often. Some advice would be appreciated.

This is a harsh question, but it has to be asked. Do you really love him, or is it just a long-term crush?

If you’ve never been in love with someone you’re in a relationship with, sometimes it can be hard to tell. If it isn’t ‘true love’, which is admittedly a totally subjective term, then quite simply you have to move on. I know clubbing isn’t for everyone, but it really is a great way to have fun in a social setting. Get the girls together, and make a big night of it. You probably won’t meet someone you could actually have a future with, but it’s fun and a great way to take your mind off things.

If clubbing isn’t for you, what’s something you get a lot of enjoyment out of? Do that. Do it with a group of friends if you can, or alone if it’s not something that really lends itself well to social situations. Just taking some time out and doing something you enjoy is almost certainly the best way to get over someone.

This is almost in direct opposition to the last ideas, but still a good idea. Find a good friend you trust, and tell them exactly how you feel. They probably won’t be able to actually help at all, but just sharing everything with someone else can make a whole lot of difference. It won’t feel like you’re carrying this around with you the whole time. Do it in person too, because seeing someone actually listening to you is very different from sharing in an electronic format (says the girl responding to an e-mail to be published in a magazine).

If it is ‘true love’, you’re in a much harder position. Up until now, I’ve been assuming that he doesn’t feel anything in return. But if you’ve never talked to him about it, don’t you think that might be something you should do? You don’t want to find out years from now he actually felt the same way, and that it was only because you were both too afraid that nothing ever came of it. Of course, this is much easier said than done. But if you get the environment right, it can be a lot easier.

You could invite him around, saying there’s something you need to say to him, making sure it’s at a time when you won’t be interrupted by flatmates (that can be infuriating – when you’re in the middle of a big deep and meaningful and someone loudly comes barging in). Another alternative is to pick somewhere outdoors around Wellington. However, if you’re not going to be comfortable sharing in a public place, obviously that isn’t going to work for you.

Anyway, be strong! You will be okay, even if it doesn’t seem that way now. And if things don’t go as planned, feel free to write in again!


If you have any questions to ask Becci, send them to editor@salient.org.nz, with “Becci” in the subject line.

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