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July 16, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Technology used to keep Paris Hilton young the next step in space exploration

Scientists in America have today officially announced that technology which keeps many of America’s stars and starlets looking so young will be used in the next step of space exploration.

Also today, NASA released a report how samples taken from celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Michael Jackson have been reverse engineered in attempts to solve some of the problems that have been confounding NASA’s best and brightest with deep space exploration.

NASA spoke at great length today about issues of keeping their astronauts alive and young long enough on long deep space flights, as well as what they could do to ensure that not only the astronauts could stay in good repair, but also their food supplies. NASA’s head spokesman Dr. Cantrell commented that “During the 50s NASA worked closely with the military to develop foods that could be used in ration packages for soldiers, but also rations that would last for our astronauts while on long space flights. Today the various foods and preservatives we developed just don’t quite cut it any more, and degradation is no longer a case of weeks, it’s a case of months and even years”.

It was with this in mind that he announced that NASA would be commissioning a group of cosmetic surgeons into a think tank that will come up with means to stop the degradation of both foods, and more importantly their brave astronauts.

Dr Cantrell commented that, “because cryogenic freezing is something still of the movies, NASA is looking at a more viable option of putting its astronauts in a semi-comatose state with pathogens that will preserve their bodies and negate the effects of cell degradation. Research is only in its early stages yet, but with living test subjects such as Paris Hilton to go by, I’m sure we will come up with some workable and visually appealling solutions to the problems of deep space exploration”.

When asked by G.N.M’s correspondent if this was perhaps a reaction to growing tensions about the possibility that humans were just not meant to live as long as NASA hopes to make them, and fears that people such as Michael Jackson will not die as a result of their vastly changed body chemistry, Dr Cantrell rather vehemently stated:

“It is NASA’s sincerest hope that its research will allow more intelligent people to last into eons on, and combat the threat of stupidity ruling the Earth after a nuclear holocaust or some other apocalyptic type event. This is why we use their technology against them and spread the seeds of intelligent humanity amongst the stars. I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit by and do nothing while those freaks threaten to take over the world in the future; it makes me sick. This is why we hope one day to have superhumans, men and women who are strong, smart and near immortal!”

When asked if he was attempting to emulate what the Nazis did during WWII with what roughly translates as Joy Division (not the seminal new wave band that later became New Order), Dr Cantrell debunked the question by stating categorically that, “No, this is about creating people like Wonder Woman, or Captain America, and not letting wastes of father snorting space like Keith Richards be left after the holocaust on Earth to rule unchallenged”.

One thing that remains to be answered is if Dr Cantrell is doing this to emulate some comic book universe, which itself was a reaction to Nazism, then how will the world be any better off in the end? Though the thought of epic battles between different factions of superhuman soldiers sounds good in principle, and no doubt a lot of fun, it’s probably something best left up to comic books and geeks who do P in basements fighting over polystyrene squares of land. Still, it is nice to know that there are people out there who want to use the technology of the rich against them, but this does not change the very real possibility that there will be some kind of horrific master race that, no matter what, won’t die.

One question this Mole has that as yet hasn’t been answered is, where the hell do the Raelians fit into this whole scheme? The research smacks off cloning people for eternity, but who knows, maybe this is just the work of one deranged scientist. G.N.M as always, is scouring the globe for stories that matter.

SCOOP! God disappointed with Team New Zealand, sends tornadoes and floods

God voiced his displeasure with this country last week over the humiliating defeat to a landlocked nation in a boat race by sending tornadoes to ravage Taranaki.

Emirates Team New Zealand suffered an appalling defeat at the hands of Swiss champions Alinghi. God did not hesitate to condemn the poor effort of the Kiwi sailors, and sent punishment as he thought appropriate. Meanwhile, weather in Switzerland has apparently been warm and sunny.

Although destruction was in the moderate range, there have been no reported fatalities. It has been suggested God’s view is more one of ‘disappointment’ than displeasure. The similarity with the “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” stance of uncaring parents everywhere was immediately apparent.

The form chosen for the Lord’s wrath is particularly appropriate. Boats race on water, and sailboats use wind. So He has sent too much water and wind.

Brilliant. God sure does have a keen sense of irony. Locals were quick to voice their anger at Team New Zealand’s performance. “If they’d just won the race, we wouldn’t be in this mess!” one man swore, “I mean, how hard can it be?”

While comparisons between the situation in Taranaki and destruction wreaked on New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina as a punishment for their sinful lifestyle were inevitable, no one is calling Team New Zealand’s sailors gay… yet. God’s stance on boys sharing their private parts with other boys is well known, and may have been a motivating factor.

God declined to comment when sought.

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