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July 16, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ways to traumatise a child for life:

1. Kill their mother then yourself in front of them with a chainsaw
2. Child porn, anyone?
3. Lock them in a closet only to beat them twice a week
4. Tell them peeing is the Devil trying to escape their body
5. Steal their candy

Things house pets are really thinking about when they just stare at you:

1. How much they wanna hump the furniture when you’re not looking
2. How itchy their anus is
3. Why the hell tigers didn’t come up with this deal sooner
4. How tasty your liver would be with a fine Chianti
5. How warm your head would be to sleep in, if they scooped out your brain and made it into a bowl shape

Things to wake up to:

1. People staring at you. It’s really freaky, if you haven’t had it
2. Sleeping in a pool of your own vomit
3. Your own coffin
4. Your eyes leaking out of your face… I hear it happens in space
5. A cat sleeping in your skull

New TV Game Shows:

1. Who wants to be a Homicide?
2. The Newly Deads: Necrophile edition
3. The Hating Game: Nazi style
4. STD Swap
5. Slave of the Century

Other cartoons that need to be made into films:

1. Captain Planet
2. Thunder Cats
3. Voltron
4. Samurai Pizza Cats
5. Sailor Moon

People to play Captain Planet in the movie:

1. David Bowie
2. Richard Dean Anderson
3. Sue Bradford
4. Jeff Walker
5. Nandor Tanczos

Causes of the next Holocaust:

1. Zombies!
2. Teen horror films
3. Metalcore
4. Nelson Mandela
5. Cannibals

Things to put away before you let people walk into your room:

1. The alcohol that you stole off your flatmates
2. The money that you said you would pay people back with but haven’t
3. Your flatmate’s boyfriend
4. Your butt plug….especially if you’re a guy
5. Your BDSM, rape porn

Pizza Toppings:

1. Cheese, what the hell kind of pizza doesn’t have cheese?
2. Olives
3. Pepperoni
4. Camembert
5. The skin you stripped off your latest victim

Things we were supposed to have had by the year 2007:

1. Flying cars
2. Rocket packs
3. Robots in every house
4. New and exciting drugs that were made from computer programs
5. The end of days (and were not talking that shit Arnie movie) like seven years ago

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (11)

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  1. anon says:

    who writes this dismal crap?

  2. anon says:

    correction: dismal, ho-hum/so-what crap??

  3. Winston Legthigh says:

    This was just embarrassing to read. “Favourite Pizza Toppings”? What part of the mind of whoever wrote this inane drivel thought that that would be funny?

    Bring back Bran, or whoever the fuck wrote these last year.

  4. Donna says:

    Considering the amount of child abuse that goes on in NewZealand already, you think that advising people of your so called appropriate methods in doing so is acceptable. Sailent could be a good magazine if Steve/Jonathan and Grant wern’t as pathetic as they are!

  5. Steve says:

    Donna is a fucking bitch. Salient ruleZ. good job

  6. Steve says:


  7. Steve says:

    you fucking old bastarfs should get out of the way and

  8. Shitkicker McGee says:

    I’d say. Those RNZ producers should move over for us lame-o, no hoper, worst-Salient-editor-ever types.

  9. peter melly says:

    HELP! i have a friend who’s 5 year old daughter is asking about sex.
    how can we figuei out why a five year old is talking about this so young. is there a web site that can give us some good points on what to talk or say

  10. bloody iowa says:

    you guuys are shit

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