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August 6, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Food

There are a number of foods that claim to be aphrodisiacs. Among their ranks are chocolate, wine, vanilla, and coffee. Of these foods I beg the question: done before?

Yet there are others: asparagus (for its phallic shape), bananas (see asparagus), carrots (see bananas), butternut pumpkins (see carrots); or, figs (represent the female genitalia when cut in half), apples (see figs), and oysters (if you don’t know now, you never will). Of these food types I beg the question: if eating out a fig, or giving an asparagus a blow job gets you hot, what’s your issue with the real deal?

Tired of these pretenders, I have decided to defy the Masonic order of gastronomic sexuality, and reveal a secret recipe used by lovers since the advent of f*cking:

Home-Made Pasta:

600g white flour (if you can get your hands on, and afford, tipo flour – very fine ground – this would be ideal)
6 large free-range or organic eggs (again, if you are spending like a pimp, you could use 12 egg yolks for an especially rich dough)

Sift the flour into a bowl, form a well in the centre, and crack the eggs into it. Slowly work the mixture into dough – it can help to focus on smaller portions at a time. Then meld them together. Alternatively, you can put all of it into a food processor and whiz till it resembles breadcrumbs, finally mushing the particles together.

Then, in the words of that philosopher queen Missy Elliot, WORK IT. Knead the dough till it is springy. This is to develop the gluten in the flour, which is the key factor in producing silky smooth noodles. This is a great opportunity to work out your forearms, which contain the key muscle group used for hand-jobs, fingerings, and sensual massage. Once you have satisfied yourself with the dough, wrap it in gladwrap and put it in the fridge for at least an hour.

Now, unless you have a pasta rolling machine, the job gets really hard. Work in batches to roll the dough out with a rolling pin until it’s around 2mm thick. Having performed this feat several times myself, I can assure you, the look on your lover’s face when you serve up hand-rolled pasta is well worth the incredible effort it takes.

At this point you are faced with a number of options. You could make some kind of stuffed pasta (such as caramelle, ravioli, or tortellini), for which you can find a cornucopia of stuffing recipes online. If you are faced with a particularly flaccid member or lover, you could even shake a little crushed viagra into the mix. Or, if you are making un-stuffed pasta (like pappardelle or spaghetti), cook in a LARGE pot of salted boiling water for 2-3 minutes, and simply top the finished product with your favourite sauce, or a glug of olive oil and a healthy handful of fresh herbs, salt, and pepper.

-Happy Fucking, The Gay Gourmand

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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