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August 13, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Four horsemen get fired by joint Heaven, Hell cutbacks.

In a shock move that many claim is yet another sign of the coming apocalypse, the four horsemen who it was traditionally held would herald the rapture have been fired. The Holy See is claming responsibility for this shock move as they claim that they are having to scale back on spending relating to the feeding and stabling of the four horsemen’s mounts as well as the inability to fund the large drug and alcohol habits of the four men in question. The Vatican was approached by G.N.M and only offered this statement:

“Due to the tremendous cost of housing four agents of doomsday and our current need to fund the Holy army that shall lay waste to the evil dead that are mobilising in northern Russia, it was decided that it was best to part company with the four fine fellows. Both God and the Devil Lucifer have been in contact with the Holy Father and it was after much deliberation that that this was the best course of action.”

When asked why this was best and why the traditional heralds of the demise of mankind where to be part of the great cutbacks that have occurred across Christianity as a whole in response to this new threat, the Pope’s chamberlain replied:

“Well naturally both God and Lucifer have asked much of the mechanics of what we do to remain veiled in silence til the time is right, they have charged me to say this much: it is no longer a case of God and the Devil dividing up the should of humanity.

This is not the apocalypse as was foretold; this is something much more sinister, and suspension of old rivalries was paramount to the quest for preservation of something with which to have a rivalry over.

Naturally everything is being done to ensure that the worst does not happen and that the children of God end up in their rightful place.”

When asked why God just didn’t end the existence of the Zombie Army of Doom, the chamberlain failed to reply, leading this reporter to question the might of the Lord as is so widely publicised in the Bible.

G.N.M then went to Death, the appointed spokesperson of the four now defunct horsemen at their newly established headquarters in Munich to get their side of the story. Death was very verbose in his statement to G.N.M in that he cast much doubt as to the abilities of the two traditionally held lords of this world by saying:

“I find it interesting that the four agents who worked to equalise both sides’ rivalries were cut at the outset of what is surely the apocalypse. This confirms suspicions that the four of us had that this is no ordinary Apocalypse; this is the big one. Furthermore this is the real deal, not some BS fairytale division of the souls on earth that Revelations goes on about. Screw this touchy feely crap, essentially God and the Devil got it wrong in their PR manuscript and are now shitting bricks. Guess it goes to show, the more you talk about how almighty and fucking powerful you are, the more your compensating for shit you aint got. Bunch of dickless wonders if you ask me…”

Death then followed this statement up by saying:

“I mean, you go to the trouble of creating humans, at least have the guns to back it up.”

When asked what the future held next for the four horsemen, and what their view was on the coming doom from the north, Death answered:

“Well, currently we’re negotiating a four-album contract with Roadrunner, so hopefully we will have some material out in time for the demise of humanity.

The Zombie Army has expressed interest in a theme song and we as a group are not unopened to the prospect of making one for them. Hopefully this whole death by Zombies thing will resolve itself and then we can market our music to people rather than the Zombie-Alien slave masters who will no doubt take over the earth, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

As for what we think about the whole deal, it sucks for you humans, but what’s a player to do? I mean we got fired from a job we have had forever so tough shit I guess, we’ll just do the best with what we got and hopefully make a shitload while we are doing it. All I can say is best of luck.”

A true shame but no doubt a turn for the best for these four highly talented individuals. It remains to be seen what will happen to humanity. For one thing though, the coming weeks are going to be all too interesting to see what develops. Keep your eye on the sky, people, and your head firmly planted in reality.

G.N.M, as always, your nose for the news.


News Flash: Death Metal Concert in Finland Raises marauder troll.

In a shock occurrence at Lake Bodom in Espoo Finland, a collaborative Death metal concert raised an ancient troll that has been on a two-day rampage destroying the tiny nation. Trolls were once thought to be extinct after their primary source of food, the unicorn, was hunted into all extinction. The troll is the ancient Mustacrakish who was imprisoned nearly three thousand years ago by a group of Finnish wizards who produced the necronomic-finlandia, essentially a Finnish Necronomicon. Little is known about what happened after the concert raised Mustacrakish from the depths of the lake but it is assumed that all involved in the concert were destroyed in a tidal wave of Troll-flavoured death. G.N.M will endeavour to keep you updated as the situation unfolds.

SCOOP: USA Winning War in Iraq!

The United States Government is now winning the war in Iraq! In a radical policy u-turn, the United States are now supplying both sides in the current Iraq conflict. The US Government “cannot fully account for about 110,000 AK-47 rifles, 80,000 pistols, 135,000 items of body armour and 115,000 helmets reported as issued to Iraqi forces as of September 22 2005.” At least some of these items are believed to have reached the hands of Iraqi insurgents.

The implications of this are obvious. If the insurgents succeed in overthrowing the Iraqi government, they will have done so thanks to American support! Victory for democracy! Headlines will read “Popular uprising removes dictator – Americans take credit.”

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