Viewport width =
September 24, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Ask Becci

What’s your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?

That’s a really good question. I once read something where someone was saying how some people have a belief that sex can really only be great with your ‘one true love’. And, among other gems, they claimed that you cannot have bad sex with your life partner, or amazing sex with someone you’ve just met that night.

This, of course, is bollocks. One night stands have some serious advantages. Sex and the City didn’t get to be so overwhelmingly popular (while remaining fairly shit throughout, if we’re being honest with ourselves) without being onto something. Knowing that there is no future for the two of you, that both of you are there purely for physical pleasure, and have no need to worry about building a relationship, can be very uninhibiting. It can also lead to selfish sex, but…meh. Being selfish isn’t so bad sometimes.

However, while I don’t want to detract from that at all, there is something missing in one night stands. When you’ve made a commitment to someone, obviously you gain benefits outside of sex. Intimacy and just knowing that someone is there for you are not to be underestimated.

But I’ve found at least, that it also adds an ingredient to sex that isn’t there otherwise – which is lying there afterwards, looking into their eyes, happy to be with that person. It’s a great thing. And there’s just a feeling that isn’t there otherwise!

To summarise: sex without emotional commitment is pretty okay! The sex itself is normally no worse, and equally no better. But when it’s with someone you’re in a relationship with, there’s a little something extra. At least that’s how I see it, anyway.

I met a nice guy about a month ago. I had been celibate for 9 months, but I had sex that first night with him. Alcohol was involved. We started to email. Now I hear nothing from him. I am assuming he has no interest in me, for some reason?

I hate to say it, but you’re probably right. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through my years of dealing with people, it’s this: some guys are arseholes.

That’s one thing I don’t get about guys. If you give them your number, they don’t have to call you. That’s totally up to them; you’ve voluntarily made an offer. But if they say they’ll call you, don’t you think they should call? I do. It’s just not nice, otherwise.

But I wouldn’t worry about it. I know there’s a very real temptation to feel like shit when you find out the guy you like doesn’t like you back. I know the “What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me?” phase all too well! But there’s no reason that you need to go through it. Just chalk it down to a fun night that happened to be with a guy who turned out to be kind of a dick. Don’t worry about it, and know that the right guy will come along.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. Beyond Pink and Blue
  2. It is Enough: Reflections on Pride
  3. In the Mirror: Queer, Brown and Catholic
  4. “Representation”: Victoria Rhodes-Carlin Is Running For Greater Wellington Regional Council
  5. The Community Without A Home: Queer Homeslessness in Aotearoa
  6. Pasifika Queer in Review
  7. The National Queer in Review
  8. Māori Queer in Review
  9. LGBTQI Project Report Update
  10. International Queer in Review

Editor's Pick

Burnt Honey

: First tutorial of the year. When I open the door, I underestimate my strength, thinking it to be all used up in my journey here. It swings open violently and I trip into the room where awkward gazes greet me. Frozen, my legs are lead and I’m stuck on display for too long. My ov

Do you know how to read? Sign up to our Newsletter!

* indicates required