Viewport width =
September 3, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

Bebo no longer just a web site: Scientists make startling find!

Scientists in a top-secret Nepalese laboratory have ade a startling find during the weekend – it seems that the website formerly known as Bebo is more than meets the eye. In an exclusive report G.N.M reporter Jeffrey Whelan explains why.

Bebo discovered to be a living breathing entity: At a press conference held yesterday afternoon in the Nepalese capital of Kathmandu, above Unity books on Victoria street it was confirmed today that Bebo is not just a website anymore. Parents, sceptics and the all together cynical have pled cases for Bebo being some insidious soul-sucking creature from beyond the ken of normal mankind. Indeed, this has been confirmed, and indeed, the creature has been located.

The head scientist from the group stationed in Nepal issued this statement:

“The web entity known as Bebo has been finally traced to an address in Nebraska, in the mid-west of the United States. Many people may ask how can you trace a web site in a physical sense to an address – well, our research has proven that Bebo is no longer just a virtual idea, it has become a creature of awesomely diabolical proportions. From feeding on all the wasted energy of students and white collar workers, as well as the nervous and awkward energy of sexual predators and those who are members just to look for women who are far too attractive to actually want to be their friends, Bebo has grown into the soul sucking monster that we have named a ‘Web Daemon’. We say this in all its seriousness that this is a creature of pure myth and psychic energy made manifest and residing til it reaches full potency in Nebraska.”

At which point a member of the Danish press asked:

“What are you planning to do about it, and what, pray tell, will it do if it is no longer kept in check?”

To which Dr. Kerri King replied:

“We are currently assembling a task force to deal with the creature and bring it in for futher testing. We live in great fear that other web sites such as MySpace, Facebook and assorted porn sites will all become living breathing beasts that will ravage the earth. I know Aliens are probably coming to enslave us all, but we don’t want complete mayhem happening while we cower in fear. The issue here is, as you so rightly point out, is what happens when it comes to full power…This, I can only assume, will be soul sucking madness and the likely demise of all human kind. All we can do now is attempt to cut this creature off from its food supply, and implore sane and non-desperate people to flood the likes of MySpace and the other porn sites that threaten us with impending doom.

Indeed my team and I have contacted the major governments of the world and we will be working on legislation that hopefully will avail us of this fate.”

“So will the military from Russia be involved in this world-wide crack down, as well as the UN troops currently dealing with the Tranformer threat in the north?” a member of the Music Press asked.

‘No, it is unlikely that in this, the world’s time of need, we would jeopardise the safety of humanity. We will be forming a small task force as I said, but it will endeavour to enlist any willing national army members, the emphasis here is on stemming the coming tide of what will surely be another factor in the coming doom. Indeed the Hillbilly militia has offered to give us safe passage down to Nebraska and offered one of their best ‘blowin’ shit up’ experts, so we hope only to report success.”

When asked by G.N.M. journalist Jeffrey Whelan:

“Do you all know when that doom/end of days thing’s gonna happen?”

Dr. King replied:

“No, but I know that a group of scientists in the deep south of America are working on this, so hopefully we will be able to tell you all in a short while. Thank you all for your participation, we go fourth into strange times…Oh, and uh… don’t forget to visit the Kathmandu gift shop.”

It seems that once again mankind is faced with yet another instance of what we create coming back to haunt us. It’s these troubling times that many people may ask, what kind of God would let this happen to mankind? And is for this reason that atheism has taken a huge boost in support despite what the four horsemen may say. We can only hope that this threat can be stopped before it becomes yet another factor in our demise. As always, G.N.M, your source for relevant news.

Gonzo the News Mole


Students riot – Seize city

This year’s Undie 500 – so named to commemorate the 500 years or so that university students have been oppressed and impoverished by national governments across the world – has proven the most successful so far. Following the protest, in which students publicly display their poverty by driving shitty cars in silly clothes, the agents of oppression themselves – the New Zealand Police – tried to deny the legitimate protestors their fundamental right to get pissed and fight. This did not end well.

For the police, that is. Man, those Scarfies kicked so much pig arse it smelt like one of those bacon and egg fry-ups you remember from when you were a kid. As history has proven again and again, tear gas and riot gear are no match for a disorganised mob of drunkards armed with bottles and lighters. 69 police officers were detained.

The unofficial spokesman for the impromptu revolutionaries, Otago University Vice-Chancellor David Skegg, announced he was totally in favour. “Dude, rioting is awesome,” he was quoted as saying. He expressed disappointment that the McGillicuddy Serious Party had disbanded, and could not be named the official government of the city-state of Dunedin. He blamed its demise on the widespread political apathy in this country.

The seizure of the city marks the first step toward better living arrangements for students. Universities around the country have been quick to express their support for the new state of Dunedin, and are encouraging similar action by students in their own cities.

Updates in brief

Troll and Transformers duel in the Finish north:
Reliable sources have passed on sightings of great epic duels that have occurred between the opposed forces of the Transformers and the Troll that was raised two weeks ago in Finland. Some sources have speculated that having such powerful beings on the planet has led them to attempt a turf war that will surely destroy yet more of a nation that gives us wood, mobile phones and Black Metal bands. We have little in the way of full details, but it is suspected that the giant robots of the Transformers will probably destroy Mustakrakish, which hopeful will simplify the coming apocalypse. G.N.M will endeavour to keep you updated on the impending doom.

Share on FacebookShare on Google+Pin on PinterestTweet about this on Twitter

About the Author ()

Comments are closed.

Recent posts

  1. An (im)possible dream: Living Wage for Vic Books
  2. Salient and VUW tussle over Official Information Act requests
  3. One Ocean
  4. Orphanage voluntourism a harmful exercise
  5. Interview with Grayson Gilmour
  6. Political Round Up
  7. A Town Like Alice — Nevil Shute
  8. Presidential Address
  9. Do You Ever Feel Like a Plastic Bag?
  10. Sport
1

Editor's Pick

In Which a Boy Leaves

: - SPONSORED - I’ve always been a fairly lucky kid. I essentially lucked out at birth, being born white, male, heterosexual, to a well off family. My life was never going to be particularly hard. And so my tale begins, with another stroke of sheer luck. After my girlfriend sugge