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September 10, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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God goes missing! The Vatican shocked

Breaking news loyal readers, it appears that in the world’s time of need and when parishioners are on an all time increase of nearly 1000 per cent, even in the wake of insurmountable odds, God has gone missing.

The Vatican broke its traditional silence about God and his whereabouts in an uncharacteristic outcry asking for information on his whereabouts. The Pope spoke yesterday at a snap press conference at St Peters Basilica announcing that a world-wide manhunt was on, and if anyone knew where God was currently seen to reside. Religious critics have flooded forums and blog sites in the interweb lauding this as another sign that God has failed us, and hates us all. The Catholic Church as well as its subsidiary franchise, the Anglican Church, has stated that this is far from the case, they think that God has been kidnapped by unforeseen sources that have an unclear agenda. G.N.M got to the bottom of this matter by contacting the spokes-angel for heaven, Jimi Hendrix, who replied:

“You know man, it’s all like insane ratta tat tatt on them old heart strings and it was way too fuckin’ intense man…but yeah like God ya know…did that whole goin’ away thang, got my ass out a bed at 3am and stuck us angels in charge…it was messy man.”

Surely the drug afflicted ramblings of the mouthpeace of an organisation that has had issues from the outset. But it does raise an important question, why the man hunt for a person who decided to leave? And secondly, why would God decide to walk out on us at the crossroads of impending doom?

Slayer’s Kerry King has been quick to attempt the first question by staging a press conference that started out with him pointing at the tattoo on his right arm that says in large print GOD HATES US ALL. Some critics of King have said this was a blatant publicity move to re-popularise what is probably one of the worst albums that Slayer has done, something some people have commented ‘is saying something’.

G.N.M decided to go to the horse’s mouth, figuratively and in some sense literally by talking to the Four Horsemen, the metal group that was formally in the position of ‘The Four Horsemen’ position. The Horsemen elected Jimmy Famine as their spokesman, so the others could get on with their upcoming Roadrunner release “Unleash the Evil”, which is in its post-production phase. Famine commented that he thought the move was ‘A showing of God’s hand.’ And that he expected that, “God probably left on account of the losing side of the battle he’s on now, he fired us to redirect funding to the Vatican so they could save humanity from impending doom. I think he’s realised just how badly he ballsed up when he did the whole Creation thing and now that it looks like things are going south of Heaven he’s made a B-line for the next train outta here.

It’s a shit thing to do, but hell, you can’t blame the guy for being a self preservationist. I think what a lot of people don’t realise is that a clause in the Bible that said ‘he made mankind in his image’ was very, very literal, in that he’s just as petty and short sighted just like humans. Think of the kid in with a pet dog who suddenly realises he’s gotta feed the damn thing. Still, best of luck to you all.”

It has been notable that after the Four Horsemen made their press release, the Vatican has been quick to call reassuring masses across the globe to re-enforce that God would never ‘choose’ to leave humanity in their time of need, just that he ‘moves in mysterious ways’. G.N.M consulted its resident Apocalypse watchdog Michael Amott who had this to offer:

“It’s hard not to want to agree outright with the Four Horsemen, but one thing I think needs to be thought of and that’s this simple fact: God got his power from somewhere, and possibly he’s gone on some kind of quest to get help from those who made him what he was in the first place. Think of it as some kind of vision quest or other. Still…only time will tell, but I think it is right of the Horsemen to point out the inerrant issues with God being God. All I’m going to say is that if the Vatican is scared shitless then those of you out there with more than just a passing fancy on God -like Tony Blair – should really look at other options that are more likely to deliver.”

Strange times we live in.

G.N.M., your news for the world that God forgot, keeping you updated with the news that really counts.

People in Sydney love George Bush

American President George Bush set down in Sydney on Tuesday to attend the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) summit. As might be expected by the arrival of a president enjoying unprecedented support both at home in the polls and in world opinion, he was greeted with thousands of people crowding to shake his hand, blocking inner-city streets throughout the Sydney CBD.

Sydney has seen more police on the ground than even at the height of the 2000 Olympics, in addition to the American security forces who have the habit of turning up in foreign countries, hoping to keep the well-wishers from getting a little too enthusiastic with their hugs.

President Bush’s motorcade comprises more than 20 vehicles, with his presidential limousine specifically built to withstand an anti-tank missile, thanks to 12cm of ballistic armour. While the security may seem excessive, it has to be put in perspective.

“The global obesity epidemic has seen the size of the average well-wisher skyrocket,” a security analyst said. “Some people set out to hug George Bush are quite literally tank-sized themselves, so it’s perfectly reasonable that a little extra protection might seem in order.”

One area in which Bush is especially popular is his policy on climate change, which he shares with the host, Australian Prime Minister John Howard. One woman praised “Bush and Howard are a godsend to the environment. They realise that stringent rules and regulations are barriers to halting climate change. What is really needed is a robust set of goals, which all countries can agree to work towards.”

Shocked and Awed, Robert Johnson returns from the fog of mystery:

Many avid blues fanatics as well as musophiles and those obsessed with unsolved mysteries were baffled today when blues lore rewrote itself. Robert Johnson, the legendary blues guitarist who sold his sold to the Devil, returned from the depths of legend.

Johnson is remaining tight-lipped about what he did during his years of absence, but one thing his publicist is saying is that a guitar deal with Gibson guitars may have had something to do with it. Gibson has just re-released the model of guitar this player became famous for using.

Little is known about what Johnson is planning to do now that he has returned, but many hope that there will be an album of new works on the horizon, and possibly some news on what actually is going on with God and the Devil.

G.N.M., keeping you updated with all things important.

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