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September 24, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Godzilla discovered as agent of the coming apocalypse. Tokyo Shocked.

News broke over the weekend when the Tokyo police department released a statement that they had Japan’s most beloved mutant dinosaur creature thing in custody for questioning relating to suspicious activities and the possibility of him being an agent for the apocalypse.

Just recently, the United Nations, who but a few short months ago commissioned a think tank to look into the potential coming apocalypse, has granted the governments of the world unparalleled power in an attempt to stem the tide of what will surely be a battle to end all battles. Mimicking the bills that proliferated about terrorism after 9/11 the UN has asked all governments to follow suit, Japan and the United States to overhaul legislation, and give local authorities the power to detain potential agents of the apocalypse. Godzilla is the first such high profile person to be affected by this legislation.

Japanese authorities have commented that Godzilla has only been detained at this stage for his potential involvement in feeding information to the Zombie armies of doom, and the aliens that have been sighted at many rural locations around the world. Though as yet it is unclear Godzilla’s role in the apocalypse and why the giant green Japanese celebrity, who became famous for being the first Yakuza boss to have a reality TV show about his destructive anger problems and his giant choke hold on the city of Tokyo, one thing is certain; the people of Japan are devastated. Godzilla, who after his show became a hit and was syndicated from here to eternity, then found he had a talent for acting, cooking and even pop music adding to the vast pool of mind numbing J-Pop. Quickly dissolving his crime empire and turning his focus to good, many have since postulated that Godzilla may have been biding his time till a better deal came along, and that one so noted for violent tendencies can only hide them for so long.

One G.N.M correspondent did point out though, that if Godzilla was indeed keeping his evil ‘under the radar’ then a turn to the evil mind rotting candy that is J-Pop would not have been a wise move.

It appears that the fate of Godzilla is in the dark at the moment, as Japan is keeping his whereabouts under wraps because of the danger of deranged fans who may want to release the giant green lizard. G.N.M got wind that the Hillbilly Militia was offering its services once again to secure Godzilla’s compound with ‘good ol’ American technology and know how,’ however it appears Japan has declined, wanting to keep the matter a domestic affair for the time being, stating the ‘redneck gaijin too cut and dry. Japanese will handle matter better’.

The fate of Godzilla is not looking good, and while G.N.M has rumors flooding in like the filthy waters of the Ganges it will not waste reader’s time with such details. One thing is certain though, it is not likely that Godzilla will solve this ordeal intact, as it has been suggested that the once powerful Lizard has grown weak and flabby in his high profile and high society life. Elvis has been suggested by the UN as a possible guard but this was met with as much enthusiasm as the prospect of an army of Rednecks in Nippon. This said, it seems that Elvis may be busy for a while with his upcoming tour of duty in Russia.

G.N.M will endeavour to keep you updated with the fate of a giant green lizard.

-Review and Outlook-

Breaking News: Robert Johnson and Eric Clapton have epic showdown, Nashville destroyed.

Country music and blues enthusiasts were both equally shocked today when Eric Clapton, who is currently on a promotional tour for his album with JJ Cale, when upon entering a Nashville nightclub was approached by Robert Johnson. Clapton who allegedly asked for an autograph was apparently dismayed when Robert Johnson berated him for 20 minutes about what a sellout hack he had become, and how he was sickened that Clapton had taken his music in vain by doing a tribute album. It is unclear who struck who first, but one thing that is certain is that the ensuing conflict unleashed the full power of both assailants.

Once thought to be a crazy man with the power of the blues, Johnson proved that he must have battered his soul for an unholy alliance with someone when he unleashed a psychic attack that leveled most of Nashville in the final moments of the conflict. Old Slowhands has not been seen since the conflict and many suspect that he has once and truly been destroyed, something many critics find quite amusing. Johnson’s whereabouts are equally as unknown and his management is remaining tight lipped about where the old singer is, but rumours abound that Johnson then went on to New Orleans to play another small show that night. If anyone has any information about Johnson, G.N.M would like to hear from you, so get on the blower and call our toll free line 0800 666 111. G.N.M your source for all the facts.

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