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October 1, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Ask Becci

I need your help. I am with a girl I love and adore a lot. The problem is my ex. My ex is always butting in. She is always around and trying to contact me. I want nothing too do with her – even though hate is a harsh word, I hate my ex – she hurt me a lot and I decided I’m finally happy and with someone I love. My ex though is jealous and just interested in jeopardizing everything. Always messaging me through Bebo, LiveJournal etc. I can’t seem to get rid of her. She runs to the police making false claims. I don’t even talk to her. I’ve made it so clear and now my ex claims to have a new boyfriend when I couldn’t care less! How do I make my ex just go away? She saw us together in Rain last weekend and her face literally was yellow. Her friend tried to tip her off but of course my girlfriend’s family own Rain, so she got my ex and her friend kicked out of the bar forever. How do I make her go away? I can’t handle her appearing every time everything’s going great and ruining it! She’s driving me insane!

Hmmm. The ‘crazy ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend)’ is one that most people seem to run into at some point. It’s kind of crap.

The obvious thing to do is just to ignore her. Do you remember when you were in school, and the teacher told you to ‘just ignore’ bullies? And do you remember how it never really worked? The concept is that they’ll get tired if they can’t provoke a reaction, and it’s a good concept, but people who actually like to make others’ lives a misery (which includes bullies and at least some crazy exes) have a lot more patience than people credit them for.

But it’s still a good strategy, and if it doesn’t work, just try something else. Wellington’s not all that big, so you will eventually run into the person you’re trying to avoid. But making a point of not responding to any method of contact that isn’t directly person-to-person will at least discourage them, possibly enough that they won’t bother to make a fuss the next time you do see them in person. If they do, ignoring them is again good, but obviously doesn’t work if they’re trying to get physical (either to you or your new girlfriend), and at any rate, requires more self-control than most people are willing to exercise. In a situation like that just walking away seems best, but has its own downsides. If you’re in a bar (or any small place) you’d have to leave, and who wants to leave when you’re perfectly happy where you are? I guess you’re making a judgment on whether their being there is enough to make you want to be somewhere else on its own.

Actively avoiding her is another option. Removing any profile comments online, not going anywhere you know she’ll be – that kind of stuff. It’s more likely to work, but it’s also more likely to suck. The same applies as above; you’re going there for a reason, and it sucks to have to change your plans just because one person is being a bitch.

Finally, have you considered actually talking to her about it? You say you couldn’t care less that she’s with a new man, and I can relate. But maybe all that she wants to hear is that you’re happy for her, and she’ll leave you alone. I assume she’s well aware of how much she’s disrupting your life, but maybe not. If you just spell it out to her, and promise to stay out of her life if she’ll stay out of yours, that could be a resolution. It has the bonus of being really easy to keep on your part.

I realise of course that none of these may work. My last bit of advice isn’t really what to do – but just don’t get discouraged! While people have the ability to make others’ lives hell, they also get over things eventually. As pissed off as you get, just be content in the knowledge that one day it will all be over and you and your girlfriend can be happy without your ex popping up wherever you go.

What would you do if your partner dumped you just because they told you that you’re bad in bed?

Firstly, I’d decide that they were a dick. There are plenty of good reasons to break up with someone, so I don’t see why people feel the need to end a relationship for a bad one. And your partner being bad in bed is a pretty lousy reason.

Secondly, I’d ask myself: Am I actually bothered by this? It’s entirely possible that they’re just using that as an excuse or that they’re just a vengeful person, or whatever. If your ex is like that, you needn’t be concerned at all.

But if you are bothered, there are some things you can do. One is to ask any other exes (only the ones you’re still on good terms with though) if they feel the same way. They may not. What feels great for one person is lousy for another, and vice versa. So just because this one person thought you were bad in bed doesn’t mean you are.

If you’re still not satisfied by that, I have a secret. Communication is key. I will never understand why people expect to have awesome sex when they don’t talk to their partner while they’re doing it. It’s not difficult to ask if they like what you’re doing. It’s not much harder to ask if there’s something they’d like you to do. This can be fun! Experimental sex = possibly the best kind of sex. Find out what you can do to improve your partner’s experience. The usual “Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with” applies of course, but you know that. When you’re in tune to your partner’s needs, you tend to enjoy sex more yourself. Sometimes the benefit to them is incidental to that.

Okay guys, thanks! If you have any more questions, feel free to email them to editor@salient.org.nz

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  1. Jesus says:

    lol rain…

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