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October 15, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Five reasons why we didn’t win the World Cup

1. Bad strategy: we won all our pool games and had to play France, who didn’t
2. We scored fewer points than France did
3. We spent too much money
4. We didn’t get into the final
5. Helen Clark decided to turn up to the French game

Five reasons why Graham Henry should be the All Blacks coach

1. His Weetbix card looks much better
2. All Black management have publicly said he has done everything right
3. Robbie Deans can then coach Australia and ensure they lose to NZ every time
4. Henry didn`t throw THAT forward pass.
5. He has a better sense of humour

Five reasons why Salient didn’t get the best publication at the recent ASPA awards

1. Salient had too much mainstream media coverage
2. Salient is harder to spell than Craccum.
3. Steve Nicoll refused to sleep with any of the judges
4. Our publication is the biggest and judges didn’t have time to read it all
5. Judges didn’t like publications that are printed on newsprint

Five ways to liven up your lectures

1. Tell everyone Salient is hot – then use it to make a dart and light the end of it
2. Fart quietly and say “excuse me” very loudly
3. Sit under your desk with your head in your hands and repeatdly moan “The earthquake is coming”
4. Loudly thank the lecturer every time he writes on the whiteboard
5. Ask the same question every 10 minutes during the lecture

Five ways to pass exams

1. Answer most of the questions correctly
2. Stick your notes under the toilet seat and excuse yourself every 30 minutes
3. The same way you pass wind – stick the exam paper up your anus and let it drop
4. Sit next to someone with big writing
5. Sit a paper where everyone else is likely to be thicker than you

Words to say instead of saying ‘fuck’

1. bother
2. blast
3. shucky-darn
4. drat
5. shit

Ball sports you can play instead of football

1. Testiball
2. Adamsappball
3. Nippball
4. Clarkball
5. Kneecapball

Five teams who think they are better than they actually are

1. A-Team
2. All Blacks
3. Team Evil Dallas Rock Band
4. Manchester United
5. US Presidential Prayer Team

Officers who have an anger problem

1. Truancy officers
2. Police officers
3. VUWSA Returning officers
4. Corrections officers
5. GOAL – Gay Officers Action League

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (26)

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  1. Adamm says:

    Five reasons why Salient didn’t get the best publication at the recent ASPA awards:

    1. Steve Nicoll
    2. Nick Archer
    3. Dave Crampton
    4. Lindsay Perigo
    5. And any other out-of-place “radical” moron claiming to be student media.

  2. the rock says this says:

    6. billy the dancing moose
    7. seriously what the fuck kind of queer ass name is billy the dancing moose

  3. Top five reasons the Salient party SUCKED!!!! says:

    1. Chris Renwicks presence. Waddling around trying to join the better half of the room- only to be yelled at by a special someone to fuck off – is funny but also very tragic.
    2. Rachel Wright’s drunken ‘pole dancing’ and threats to wrestle smaller, sober (due to reason 3) Salient staff.
    3. Steve Nicoll’s “friends” drinking the tab, while the Salient employees and award winning journalists were jipped of their chance to drink their worries of unemployment away.
    4.The fact that the poor efforts of the party – including the dismal music choices, reflect the shit poor efforts of the mag.
    5. The fact that the host considered himself too cool to stick around to the end – perhaps jetting off to the Mighty to drunkenly abuse more notable members of the public.

  4. Evee says:

    ha ha

    first time top 5 made me laugh this year

  5. I would have put number 5 as number 1 – because it was piss poor. I otherwise agree.

    And how come the beer ran out so soon???!! I blame those mentioned at number 3. Bitches.

  6. Nicola Addison says:

    Laura, you`re right. I should have put number 5 as number 1.

  7. Samuel says:

    what, weren’t your writers worth sticking around for, steve? the people who tried their best to make salient worthwhile this yeah, despite your fucking incomprehensibly shit editing, piss poor people skills and goddamn awful man management?

    hope you’re looking forward to long term unemployment, because shit sticks buddy.

  8. Michael Oliver says:

    Is Chris Randwick fat? I inadvertently ended up shaking the hand of some grotesquely huge fuck while I was trying to introduce Keith Ng to Tristan, and he had the limpest fucking handshake I’ve ever come across. In fact, it wasn’t even a fucking handshake – he just grabbed my hand and held it; the shaking came from me trying to get him to let go.

  9. Harsh but true says:

    That’s the one. he takes ‘baby bump’ to the extreme- looks as if he’s about to birth the villest spawn possible.

  10. chris renwick says:

    Michael, you are such a dickhead at times, the rest of the time you are a complete wanker.

  11. Michael Oliver says:

    Said Chris, as he licked his finger and touched the side of his jeans, making a “ssss!” sound.

  12. I got yo’ back, sista

  13. Nick Archer says:

    “Top five reasons the Salient party SUCKED!!!!”

    Hmmm I wonder who you are, I REALLY wonder…

  14. dave says:

    its Michael Oliver

  15. Disappointed says:

    Nick: I don’t think anyone gives a shit that you can check IP addresses and figure out who they really are.

    BTW, the party really did suck pretty much for the reasons stated above.

  16. Evee says:

    fuckin michael oliver

  17. That egg. Na, tricks. It wasn’t even Michael Oliver. Just some mysterious social commentator (who is very good-looking, I hear).

  18. Evee says:

    what’s hr name, whats her numba i would like to get to know her

  19. tristan says:

    A-ha Evee, I see you have revealed your true identity:

    You are Cypress Hill.

  20. Michael Oliver says:

    I didn’t even arrive at the party until about an hour before it disbanded, so I missed the events that occurred in numbers 1-3.

    so sorry I’m not the smooth internet trickster you thought I was

    trickster performing tricks what a tricky devil he or she is heh heh heh…

  21. Michael Oliver says:

    this thread is now dedicated to listing the names of your fave tricksters:

    – Evee (tricky trickster)
    – Glenn Jacobs (initiator of thought provoking debate, or sly trickster laying down tricky traps to entice Salient posters over to SOLO)
    – David Copperfield (trickiest trickster who knew so many tricks he tricked people into thinking he went over the Niagara Falls in a barrel what a trickster)
    – Dick Cheney (tricky Dick has a man-sized safe in his office)
    – Stephen Colbert (trickster king tricking indifferent americans to vote for him, only to be out done by…)
    – The South Carolina Democratic Primary System (collective tricksters who tricked Colbert into thinking he had a shot at the White House, only it was a trick and he fell for the trick but it was a tricky trick so it’s coolbeans)

    tricksters, one and all. tricksters.

  22. Steve Niccoll says:

    MAKE WAY FOR THE NEW GENERATION!

  23. Under 25 says:

    Was Steve talking to himself when he said that?

  24. James Brown says:

    The reason Graham Henry should coach the ABs is cause he looks like Chris Renwick.

  25. Ronnie James Dio says:

    ‘cos they’re both goblin-tastic!

  26. Nic says:

    every one h8s steve nicollas

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