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October 8, 2007 | by  | in Opinion |
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Idiot’s guide to a Zombie Invasion

Alright, it’s time to get serious. In the course of this year I’ve been trying to improve your lives. Now it is time for me to save those lives. The Zombie Invasion IS a threat. The signs have been in your face your whole life and sadly most of you have chosen to ignore them. I read somewhere that life imitates art, which imitates life, and so on, and it does! We’ve all been in romantic triangles with hilarious consequences.

Many of my friends have been hunted by Bounty Hunters, Terminators and Predators for no real reason and I can’t remember how many times I’ve been kidnapped, taken to what my captures referred to as “The Real World” and told that I am “The One” who will save humanity from the machines. So why wouldn’t you believe that zombie movies were based in reality? That’s right, idiot, this shit just got real!

Now, first things first; hopefully you’ve seen several zombie movies in your time, so you may have at least a few ideas of what you can expect. Yes, the dead will rise, and yes, they will attack the living but, if you are prepared, you’ll have no need to fear. If you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead (the remake) or 28 Days later then you may believe that zombies can run. Don’t worry, zombies can’t run. Technically, the 28 Days Zombies aren’t even real zombies, but that’s a different kettle of fish.

Why can’t zombies run? It’s obvious, really – they’re dead. It’s amazing enough they can walk. We all know it’s pretty hard to run with a hangover; without any blood flowing through you at all, I think walking is the best you can hope for.

Also, zombies can’t think. How do they do what they do? Simple – instinct. With our minds running on full, we have the good grace to not bite each other. Zombies aren’t so lucky. Because they can’t think, out-smarting a zombie should be child’s play, even for a certified idiot like yourself. A zombie will walk straight towards you, slowly, typically with out stretched arms so all you need to do is keep several paces ahead, and don’t walk down any dead-end allies. I imagine you’re now wondering why you were ever worried at all; killing a zombie would be as easy as killing a kitten, only not as satisfying. Well that’s true, but zombies, like teenage girls and Vikings, travel in hordes.

If there is one zombie, then soon there will be 10, and within an hour maybe a hundred, before you know it, your whole city is infected! Yes, if a zombie bites you, you will die, because you will be infected. That part of the Hollywood zombie myth is true. So more than likely, when you discover the zombie invasion for yourself, many of your friends, and a great many fellow students will be among the living dead. You can’t hold back on a zombie, even if it’s a hot chick zombie, or a little child zombie, or a seriously hot chick zombie. You need to be prepared to take the head off your parents if they are going for your brains! You must know how to kill a zombie – that part is in most of the movies – just hack through a zombie’s brain with a machete. What you may need to know is exactly what to do when you’re stuck in a house with the zombie mob outside.

One school of thought with a proven history in New Zealand throughout recent years is just taking some P. P is a performance enhancing drug, which gives you extreme ninja/samurai powers. Grab your Katana, fill your veins, and tie your bandana on – it’s zombie hacking time! Tests are currently underway to determine whether P is actually an antidote for the zombie virus or ‘Z’ virus, but don’t count on it yet. If you haven’t been preparing P in advance, here’s option B: Grow your sideburns as long as you can, dress in all the yellow and blue you can find and tape your katanas/machetes to your hands! It’s Wolverine-ing time! Which superhero would take out an army of zombies with more ease than Wolverine?

Spiderman would spend too much time f**king around, and the hulk is basically a zombie as it is. I have written several letters on your behalf to Hugh Jackman, but he unfortunately still has no plans on releasing “The Wolverines guide to Zombie Ass-kicking”. But if I could sum up with what I believe, it would be…Get Feral, Get Attitude and Get Busy!

You can thank me later for saving your life, idiot.

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  1. Joe says:

    It doesn’t really sound like, to me, that you’re serious at all. But in today’s and the near future’s scientific world, anything can be possible… Think about it. In my opinion it’s not that retarded to prepare for such an attack. I don’t think it’s something to be obsessed about, but with the scientific capabilities that we have today a zombie attack could very well happen. 50 years ago, people didn’t believe that cloning was possible. Today, we’ve already accomplished that. Today, no one believes the far-fetched idea that the dead can somehow rise and start eating people. 50 years from now, who knows? Alls it takes is some asshole dumb ass genetic engineer to get the idea to bring someone from the dead back to life. It may not happen tomorrow, or even 50 years from now. But someday, someone will accomplish bringing a dead person back to life. It may turn out to be a mistake and the living world will be eaten alive by zombies. Or it may turn out to be a good thing. I mean, there’s no proof that if a dead person comes back to life that it’ll start eating people… But alls I’m trying to say here is that this will someday be possible. And it’s never stupid to be prepared for something as crazy as a zombie attack. I’ll tell you my plan right now. If, in my lifetime, the dead start walking and eating people, I’m taking my Remmington Shotgun with about 20 full packs of shells up into my attic. There’s no way something as mindless as a zombie can get up there. And if they do, then they’re getting their heads blown off. And I’ll be sure to place one shell off to the side, just in case. Because there’s no way in hell am I ever going to be eaten alive.

  2. lol @ you all being serious.... says:

    STUPID NIGGERS

  3. The Z-Virus is among us

    I am a spy working at UCLA about .5% of the population is of the living dead!

    BEWARE!

  4. dunno says:

    dey ment to be this scientist whos keeping is wife in a freezer (she’s dead) and hes tryign to find a solution to bring her back
    so hes the idiot whos gonna end da human race

  5. Amanda says:

    ok, how can the dead come alive if they are fucking dead?
    just wondering :)

  6. Qu4Z says:

    Amanda: In the same way that a frozen pie can become unfrozen.
    You are, however, correct in assuming that once a zombie “comes alive” it is no longer dead, but rather undead.

  7. dunno says:

    damn rite Qu4Z anyway i think it will happen
    and wen it does we doomed
    u seennhow many ppl in da grave loads man

  8. ??????? says:

    How can a dead person be brought back to life by another zomb ie biting them?

    1. There is a no circulation in a dead human
    2. Therefore the Z virus would be unable to get to the brain
    3. I doubt zombies have heart pumps on them.

    Wtf? I can only imagine that zombies would be people with some sort of virus, which controls the brain. Sorta like zombie computers? On wiki.

    I think the best hing tio do would be to climb a fruit tree and stay there, only an extremely complicated virus would be able to control nerves well enough to get you to climb a tree. Maybe cutting off the branches as back up would do it. Safety first! At least youd have something to eat…….

  9. ??????? says:

    Sorreh to double-post but perhaps we should all take the zombie survival quiz on onemorelevel.com.

    lulz.

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