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March 3, 2008 | by  | in Features |
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Salient Guide to Saving the World

Salient Guide to Saving the WorldProblem:
Planes like to drop cluster munitions on people because weapons manufacturers went to the trouble of making the damn things, so they need to have their products tested. This hurts people.

Solution:
Drop Coke cans instead. Since this will still fund at least one major US corporation, it shouldn’t hurt dearest capitalism too badly.

Salient Guide to Saving the WorldProblem:
The Gaza Strip is overpopulated, has no money to stop sewage flowing through its streets, and is blockaded by Israel.

Solution:
Go shopping! On the 23rd of January this year, tens of thousands of Palestinians pushed through a hole in their fence and went on a spending spree in Egypt. They hauled back medical supplies, cows, Coca-Cola, petrol, Malimbo cigarettes, satellite dishes and soap. Many Egyptian shopowners gleefully jacked up their prices to fleece the desperate souls.

Salient Guide to Saving the WorldProblem:
Last December, President Kibaki and his opponent couldn’t decide who’d won Kenya’s election.

Solution:
Opposition supporters went around killing Kikuyus (the President’s ethnic group) and the police killed opposition supporters. More than one thousand died. Actually, this was not a good solution at all. It was terrible solution. Forget we said anything.

Salient Guide to Saving the WorldProblem:
Timor Leste’s President José Ramos-Horta was critically wounded after rebel forces shot him in the right lung.

Solution:
Science! Doctors placed Ramos-Horta in an induced coma for ten days to aid his healing. We can rebuild him.

Salient Guide to Saving the WorldProblem:
The Bush Administration believes Iran wants to Nuke Us All!

Solution:
No they won’t. Last December, the United States National Intelligence Estimate admitted Iran ceased trying to build nuclear bombs in 2003. Like, yay and stuff.

Salient Guide to Saving the World

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (1)

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  1. Gibbon says:

    Hahaha yeah Salient, WELL DONE.

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