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March 24, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Top Five sent in by Salient readers

See how they’re so much better than what we write?

Annoying questions to ask your religious elder:
1. If there’s life on other planets, are there aliens in heaven too?
2. Can the spirits of your dead relatives watch you when you go to the loo?
3. Is it okay to laugh at people in hell when you’re up in heaven?
4. Wouldn’t eternal bliss get boring after a while?
5. If I said a really, really good joke, would it make God laugh?

Annoying questions to ask your teacher:
1. How do we know the sky isn’t really green and we’re just all colourblind?
2. Could you repeat the question? I wasn’t listening
3. Do amoebas feel love?
4. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?
5. How’s the diet going?

Reasons to watch TV:
1. The hot TV3 weather girl
2. Hoping they’ll play Goodnight Kiwi
3. Peter Griffin
4. Infotainment!
5. Chuck Norris infomercials

Lies parents tell their kids:
1. I’m only doing this for your own good
2. If you tell me, I promise I won’t get mad
3. Someday you’ll thank me for this
4. You’ll be sorry
5. I’m only gonna say this once

Useful phobias to fake:
1. Hypnotophobia – Fear of making your bed
2. Tribodontophobia – Fear of brushing your teeth
3. Macrophobia – Fear of long waits
4. Hypengyophobia – Fear of responsibility
5. and *drumroll* … Sophophobia – The fear of learning
Here we go, a top 5 to help you out seen as your too fucked off…meths was it?

Top reasons why vic is shit:
1. That fucken hill
2. That other fucken hill
3. All the other little hills
4. We pay for internet
5. Too many fucken indie kids who dress the same!

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (6)

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  1. Katewad says:

    Top 5 reasons this top 5 list was a little bit terrible:

    1) 4 out of the 6 lists were blatently copied from the book ‘Bart Simpsons Guide to Life’ published in 1993 by Matt Groening- seriously! Check it

    2) Jokes based around childlike innocence/children are only funny if they die, swear or have paedophiles in them

    3) One of the only 2 remaining lists that wasnt stolen from mediocre 90’s pop literature was about TV. I mean TV? Seriously?? Thats the best we can do?!

    4) its time to get over mocking people for dressing differently to you- indies, emos, bogans, first years WHATEVER! lets unite and mock groups that deserve our hate- like paedophiles! Or jews!

    5) Lets face it kids- when the only ‘Top 5′ list that makes people laugh is about hills and is published on a scruched piece of notebook paper, and uses the word ‘fucken’ with comic perfection, we really have got a problem

    i actually expected more out of vic students to be honest…

    got satire?

  2. Geoff says:


    Here’s some.

    Top 5 Chess Moves:
    1. Clinton’s Opening
    2. Knight’s Tail
    3. Ledger’s Leap
    4. Bishop’s Thrust
    5. Queen’s Sache

    Top 5 Addictions to be Ashamed of:
    1. Shoes
    2. Plaque
    3. Arthritis
    4. Zucchini
    5. Philanthropy

    Top 5 Lost Elements
    1. Treeumium
    2. Quimon
    3. Pandemonium
    4. Aether
    5. Elementium

    Top 5 Not-so-holy Sites:
    1. The East Wall
    2. Becca
    3. Gnanalingam’s Taint
    4. Neverland
    5. Crucifixes ‘R Us

    Top 5 Alternatives to Paper Money
    1. Fingernail Bits
    2. Bosons
    3. Punani
    4. Moon Rocks
    5. Polymer

    Top 5 Band Names
    1. 32 Pesos
    2. Gem Squash
    3. Dance Dance Smile Fun
    4. Free Beer
    5. The Vulvateers

    Top 5 Words with a certain je ne sais quios
    1. Pelican
    2. Bicep
    3. Parsimonius
    4. Macadamia
    5. Forfex

    Top 5 Things to Blame Global Warming for:
    1. Your Smelly Pits
    2. Your Unsightly Dandruff
    3. This Awful Heat
    4. This Fucking Cold
    5. This Pleasant, Balmy Weather

  3. Tanooki says:

    These are from an email I got but oh well:

    Top 5 Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
    1. Innovative
    2. Preliminary
    3. Anaesthetist
    4. Cinnamon
    5. Chrysanthemum

    Top 5 Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
    1. Specificity
    2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition
    3. Anti-constitutionalistically
    4. Transubstantiate
    5. Sphygmomanometer

    Top 5 Things That Are Impossible to Say When Drunk:
    1. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.
    2. Nope, no more booze for me.
    3. I’m not interested in fighting you.
    4. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke
    5. Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.

  4. Kristina says:

    Quote: “4 out of the 6 lists were blatently copied from the book ‘Bart Simpsons Guide to Life’ published in 1993 by Matt Groening- seriously! Check it”

    I know! I have that book. It’s outright plagiarism – which is apparently worse than murder in university circles. I demand they be publicly named and shamed!

  5. yeah a letter this week will name and shame them….

    btw some of Geoff and Tanooki’s lists are likely to appear this week. We’ll open this section up regularly to become reader-contributed much like the letters. We’ll probably just add one list ourselves per week and get the rest from you guys. This is because we are lazy.

  6. Brunswick says:

    I thought that some of those lists looked familiar…
    Don’t blow any more Top 5s in the comments! Send them straight to Tristan!

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