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April 7, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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On War: How to Invade Small Countries

War is something that fascinates and intrigues us. It is seemingly a natural state for humans to exist in. For the past 4000 years there have only been brief periods where conflict, of some sort, has not consumed the lives of men and women.

The thought that humans should exist in a peaceful co-operation with one another is by no means a new one, and governments of all descriptions have generally strived to provide peace and stability for those ruled. This week we pay tribute to battle, and reflect upon humanity’s innate ability to resort to violence in most situations.

Why and how New Zealand should invade American Samoa

Samoan history is steeped in war. In the late 1800’s it was the focal point of an intense territorial dispute between the colonial powers of Britain, Germany and the USA. Britain and Germany traded islands so that Germany took possession of what is now called Western Samoa, and the US took possession of the eastern islands. In 1908 the Mau movement started murmurs of independence in Western Samoa and to a lesser extent American Samoa. In 1914 New Zealand annexed Western Samoa from Germany, continuing to rule with an iron fist for the next 48 years. Eventually, after we gave them all influenza in 1919 and killed some prominent Mau leaders in 1929, the Mau movement took hold and New Zealand granted Western Samoa independence in 1962. The same Mau movement was suppressed by the US Navy in American Samoa.

Since then, American Samoa has languished under the imperialist control of the USA, using it as a strategic naval base. During WW2 it was used as a base for Marines, with the population of military personnel overtaking the population of natives. The US government does not even grant the inhabitants American citizenry. American Samoa objected to Western Samoa rewording their constitution so their name was simply Samoa, saying that it diminished their identity.

New Zealand has also languished in the shadows of international machtpolitik. Long gone are the days of Walter Nash when New Zealand had territory stretching from the equator to the South Pole. America dropped out of a military alliance with us because we’re pussies. We’re haemorrhaging territory like a haemophiliac; New Zealand has lost the respect of all the other large powers.

New Zealand should invade American Samoa for the following reasons:

Wage a war of liberation to stop colonialist oppression of the Samoan people by the fascist American navy. Reunite Western and American Samoa so that there is a united Samoa, and a contiguous Samoan identity. Reassert New Zealand as an important power in the Pacific. Challenge the global hegemony of the US so that New Zealand is once again respected by our international peers.

How New Zealand should invade American Samoa

Firstly the NZDF would need a base to launch their long range air strike force, e.g. the Hercules, refitted into a combat, troop dropping role. The obvious place for this is Tokelau. Tokelau has been a bit uppity lately, having referenda on becoming independent, so we should establish a strong military presence there to discourage lustful thoughts of becoming an independent state. Once a base is established here the battle plan is simple, as American Samoa is only 199 km. Please refer to the two maps to the (BELOW).

DAY ONE:
0800 hours: The HMNZS’s Te Kaha and Te Mana would blockade the American navel base and Pago Pago Harbour while two of the support vessels would hover off the south west coast, and the HMNZS Wellington would cover the North behind Pago Pago. If suspicions were raised the NZ government would say that they’re in the process of doing naval manoeuvres.
0830 hours: The frigates start bombardment of the main source of defence, the American Naval base. The No. 6 Squadron of Sea Sprites, fitted for combat sweeps forth off the frigates and pin point radio installations, barracks and any ships that may be in the harbour. Simultaneously No. 3 Squadron sweeps up off the low land populated area of the island taking out police stations and eradicating any resistance, to make way for troop landings.
0845 hours: No. 40 Squadron of Hercules bombard Pago Pago & Fagatogo.
0900 hours: SAS parachutes into Fagatogo
0945 hours: Fagatogo legislature surrounded and Politicians held hostage. Back on the south west cost, the 2nd Canterbury Battalion group land on the northern part of the plain, while the 6th Hauraki Battallion group, land in the southern part. Both sweep forth the 20 or so kilometres eliminating pockets of resistance, and distributing toasters, clock radios and chocolate to the bewildered civilians.
1100 hours: Frigates cease bombardment of the Naval base to allow ground forces to occupy. No. 6 Squardron move around to provide air support. In Fagatogo and Pago Pago, No. 3 squadron move up to provide air support of the troops occupying the navel base.
1300 hours: With all resistance extinguished NZ troops sit back and brew cups of tea and enjoy the tropical climes. Prime Minister Clark calls President Bush, who was unaware of the situation, and sues for peace. New Zealand ushers in a pro-reunification caretaker government.

How South Africa should invade Lesotho

By Conrad Reyners

The case for a glorious campaign into Lesotho, by the South African Defence Force

The year is 2012. The ultranationalist, pan-African government, controlled by South Africa — being given spiritual guidance by the spectre of P W Botha — seeks to extend its power over Sub-Saharan Africa. The Israeli Intelligence service Mossad have reports that the Lesothians have been providing scud missiles to Hamas and Hezbollah. This is fortunate for the SA government, as they are experiencing a mercantilist redux and wish to engage in triangle trade with the US by stealing all of Lesotho’s natural resources and slaves. SA tries to offset this problem by applying for control of the African Union’s central bank. Lesotho votes against SA ownership. Animosity is born. United States sources claim that there are vague suspicions about Lesotho harbouring weapons of mass destruction. P W Botha advocates that this is reason enough to exact a pre-emptive strike; he is also a megalomaniac seeking lebensraum for South Africans.

Lesotho is wary of conflict, and begins diplomacy with the newly formed Axis of ‘Nasty, Roughish and Mostly Evil’ states. The United States declines to be involved. On 9 June 2012, South Africa attacks.

One Day till invasion: Invasion – 1

0500 — 4th Artillery Regiment, and the 1st, 4th, 5th, and 6th Infantry Regiments, with the 61st Mechanised Infantry in support take up offensive positions outside LadyBrand. Battalion HQ set up.
0700 — 9th, 10th, 14th, 15th, 115th, 116th, 118th and 121st Infantry Regiments up offensive positions around Himeville. Eastern Front HQ established.
1100 — 1st South African Tank Division split, and deployed to each side of Ladybrand.
1200 — 1st Special Service Battalion deployed to Himeville. 0200 — South African government calls the troop movement an “exercise” in response to Lesotho’s protestations.
0400 — Airforce Squadrons 15 through 60 fuel and move to Red in preparation for combat sorties and urban support (helicopters). 0300 – 0400 — Troops stand down on high alert.

Invasion Day + 0

0430 — 44th Parachute Regiment, divided 1st section dropped around Roma, beings to engage reserve units.
0430 — Second 44th Wing dropped around Mokhotlong, engages defences.
0500 — 4th Artillery Regiment begins to shell Maseru. 0530 — Air Force combat squadrons begin proximity bombing of the highland area between Sekake and Thlokoeng.
0530 — 1st South African Tank Regiment moves in parallel past Maseru, triangulating behind Maseru, engaging 1st Reserve units advancing from Roma and Mazenod.
0530 — Under tank cover the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th Infantry Regiments, and the 61st Mechanised Infantry enter and secure Maseru. Parliamentary buildings occupied, surviving Government members captured.
0530 — 9th, 10th, 14th, 15th 115th, 116th, 118th and 121st Infantry Regiments advance into Mokhotlong. 12th Squadron (Rooivalk attack helicopters) in support.
0600 — Maseru and Mokhotlong captured.
0800 — Second 44th Parachute Wing links with the invading force who have captured Mokhotlong.
0900 — 1st African Tank Squadron, with all combat squadrons in support, move south suppressing resistance from Morija, Matsieng, Mafeteng and Mohale’s Hoek, supported by the 1st and 4th Infantry Regiments.
1000 — 1st Special Service Battalion with the 9th, 10th, 14th, and 15th Infantry Regiments engage Sehong.
1200 — 9th and 10th Infantry engage Sehlbathebe with Airforce 22nd Squadron helicopter support. 1600 — 44th Parachute Regiment reinstated as a singular force, dropped around Mount Moorosi.
2200 — Victorious 1st African Tank Squadron moves to Mount Moorosi and links up in support with the 44th Parachute Regiment.
2400 — Air Combat Wing engages embedded Lesothian Defence forces in Sekake.

Invasion Day + 1

0100 — 14th and 15th Infantry Regiments engage the rubble of Sekake.
0300 — Sekake Falls. The remaining Lesotho forces and their surviving wartime government retreat to the mountainous area west of Thaba – Teska.
0600 — Invading South African forces tighten their lines around Inner Lesotho and embed.
0700 — 2400 Air combat divisions carpet bomb west of Thaba-Teska.

Invasion + 2

0900 — Lesothian government asks for a provisional peace after failing to secure support from Iran, Pakistan, North Korea, Ukraine, Serbia and Fiji.
1300 — Lesothian Joint Chief of Staff and the wartime government commit seppuku.
1400 — Lesotho unconditionally surrenders, Mission Accomplished — Yeehaw!

Invasion + 64

1200 — South African-backed provisional government installed, mercantilist resource extraction begins.

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About the Author ()

The editor of this fine rag for 2009.

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  1. Hatt4rz says:

    Dear Author
    Fruit Loop.
    I take that back.
    Fruit Cake.

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