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April 7, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Queer- Love thy Breeders

The whole message of having a Queer Rights officer, a UniQ and a Queer column is that it’s cool to be Queer. We like this. Yes. However, as a ‘breeder’ I am here to remind you that it’s also cool to be straight. Yes I realise that our hetero-centric society reminds you this on a daily basis, but in your queer circles, this is sometimes forgotten.

If you have come from the ‘naki and you went to a single-sex-saintsomething- or-other school, then straight folks are probably not your favourite people. However, not all of us are complete cocksockets. Also, the ones who are pretty cool are not always closet-queers, sometimes we are just genuinely not shit. Roilly. Wishing that we were queer and getting us boozed to the point of bisexuality is sometimes fun, but if we love you for who you are, then let us have our square sex. Telling us how vanilla our sex lives are is probably true, but if we like it that way then just smile and nod.

Also, not every girl from Lower Hutt who finally makes a gay friend wants him to take her shopping, and not every boy who befriends the lesbian kitchen-hand at his work just wants to check out girls with her. This is often the case, but some of us really just don’t give a shit who you sleep with. If you feel that your breeder buddies like you for the novelty factor of having a queer around (“some of my best friends are gay!”) then ditch the shitbag and floor it to S&M.

While I’m on my rant, not all Christians are gay-bashing weirdos. That may seem like a foreign, outlandish statement that stuns you, but I promise it’s true. Although there are a lot of youth-heavy ‘trendy’ churches (which can hide more fundamentalist beliefs than your average suburban Anglican parish with a vicar named Jeff) some Christians are fine. Some Christians are gay. Some Christians believe that God is love, won’t try to convert you and think that churches like Destiny are the complete opposite of what Christianity should be.

So if you think that your straight mate is missing out on some serious strap-on action, or the flat living next to you get up too early on a Sunday to be doing anything ungodly, don’t hate. Maybe give your main squeeze a sneaky pash in front of them to suss out if they care. If they do, you don’t need them. If they don’t (and I’d like to think most of us don’t) then you’ve got a winner.

Most breeders are alright, most Christians are alright, and just because we love Peaches, Le Tigre, the L Word and recently cut off our hair doesn’t mean we’re gay. Give it up, Gemma.


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Comments (4)

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  1. Bobby says:

    I love you, Coley.
    You are teh best.

  2. Charlotte Whitelaw says:

    Wooooo breeders!

  3. Felicia Jollygoodfellow says:

    Most breeders are fucking boring, Christian breeders doubly so.

  4. j says:

    i hate straights.
    this essay is almost two decades old. but it never gets old.

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