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May 5, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Cecil John Rhodes

Cecil John Rhodes may have represented a dead end in the evolution of political philosophy, but in a fight with a man who represents a dead end in the evolution of the higher apes, this shouldn’t be seen as a problem. Rhodes is a lock for the fight with Mugabe, even from beyond the grave.

Let’s be realistic. A fight would go like this: Sideshow Cecil would trick Sideshow Bob Mugabe into losing before the cartoonishly over-educated Neanderthal could do twenty metres of his heavily-armed jungle sprint, which is frankly all he’s famous for in the first place. This is how Rhodes came to conrol Zimbabwe once before, and as I’ll now argue, he could do it again, since death has left his capacities undiminished.

First: Mugabe. In spite of many perorations to the contrary, Mugabe has been doing nothing in his life but continue a Rhodesian project: making life shit for black people in Africa. I submit that Mugabe himself is a puppet of Rhodes. Like all puppets, he doesn’t know the hand up his ass is there, but without it, he collapses. Without Rhodes, Mugabe is impossible.

Second: the Pan-Africans. Defined almost entirely in opposition to Rhodesian ideals, it’s easy to forget that if Africa is ever united, just another of Rhodes’s goals will be achieved. Rhodes was, after all, the first Pan-African theorist and practitioner. He even designed their first flag (see below). Think about that next Kwanzaa.

Third: the Scientologists. Rhodes said he’d annex the planets if he could. If the Scientologists are right, and I’ve got three hundred thousand dollars invested in a dianetics manual saying they are, he’s starting to succeed. For is not Hubbard the reincarnation of Rhodes? From beyond the grave, Rhodes is starting to spread his ideology, ready to claim the universe.

Meanwhile, an interesting debate in anthropology continues over the exact date Mugabe’s family came down from the trees. I suggest 1870, which is also when the boyish Cecil arrived in Africa to civilize the continent, steal its resources, bang his catamites, and eventually set Bill Clinton on the road to greatness. (Once again, Rhodes proved himself to be a geopolitical player to whom death is no obstacle).

In a fight, the current batshit insane dictator of Zimbabwe doesn’t stand a chance against the once-and-future batshit insane dictator of Zimbabwe: Cecil Rhodes, the Uni drop-out puppet-master of the Clintons, the Scientologists, Pan-African ideology, and even Mugabe himself.

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About the Author ()

BK Drinkwater's actual origins are shrouded in mystery, but it is said that he sprang from the summit of Taranaki fully formed, four days after the birth of Aristotle. He resents having been overshadowed in this way.

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