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July 7, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Che Vs Dalai Lama

Che!

“To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary. These procedures are an archaic bourgeois detail. This is a revolution! And a revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate.”

Che Guevara is a pretty happening cat. Every so often, the Cuban embassy in Wellington will invite you to a party in his honour; his face adorns countless squat posters, t-shirts and even some ice-blocks. But he was also a bad-ass motherfucker, who rebelled against his privileged upbringing by becoming a mass murderer. Hiding out in the jungle with all the stealth of a sexy panther-man, Che would sneak up on the bumbling overweight frame of the Dalai Lama – who, let us not forget, does not even have the balls to take on the Chinese.

Although Che is best known for fighting off the capitalist overlords over Cuba with his pal Fidel Castro, it was once they came into power that Che really blossomed. He was put in charge of La Cabana prison, where he executed not only filthy capitalists, but also filthy homosexuals. Like any good Communist, Che was aware that homosexuality is a threat to the workers’ paradise, and took appropriate action. Documented victims of Che’s hand: 216. Documented victims of the Dalai Lama: a couple of doves he shot when he was young. Sure, the Dalai Lama is also on record as having made a number of homophobic remarks, but he never actually took the matter into his own bloody hands, so… Che wins. And while the Dalai Lama may be adept at charming world leaders, Che charmed the pants off the queen.

So if you love prison wardens who execute homos and get into bitch-fights with the USSR when they don’t want to pay their debts, then feel free to emblazon your chest with a Alberto Korda’s Che portrait.

By Hereticus Imphysician

Dalai Lama

Tenzin Gyatso the 14th Dalai Lama has one major advantage over Che Guevara: he isn’t dead. Also unlike Che Guevara, Gyatso has the CIA on his side. Gyatso is also one brutal mother, and endorses the use of firearms in self-defence. In 2001 he said: “if someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun. Not at the head, where a fatal wound might result. But at some other body part, such as a leg.” Now that is one sadistic statement.

So it is fitting that Gyatso has chosen the simple yet elegant killing machine commonly known as the Avtomat Kalashnikova obraztsa 1947. Before the battle the Dalai Lama meditates next to a Ginkgo tree in the morning light, contemplating a dew drop on the petal of a chrysthemum, all the while channelling the energy of the hundreds of millions of souls claimed by the AK-47.

Guevara also suffered the unfortunate mishap of having his hands amputated postmortem; because his executioners were worried that he would self reanimate to strangle them in their sleep. So let’s look at the facts here, a person that has been dead for 41 years, has no hands, is the main proponent of a failed ideology, has no powerful military backing, and who suffered from asthma since birth versus Tenzin Gyatso, one of the cruellest motherfuckers on Earth, sprightly for his 73 years, nimble on his feet, Nobel Prize-winning, AK-47 toting, incarnation of a divine spirit that is nearly 800 years old.

The bald headed Lama struts forth in his sandal-clad feet and blood red robe, conveniently coloured so that the litres of Che’s blood that he will undoubtedly spill will not spoil his dinner plans with Hitler.

By Peter Manglethwaite

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