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July 28, 2008 | by  | in Features |
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Is Global Warming Politically Correct? Political Correctness: Part III of IV

What about this Global Warming thing then? That’s not very politically correct now, is it? What’s with that? That’s sexist to Eskimos. Eskimos don’t live in warm globes! This Microsoft Word isn’t necrophiliac to Eskimos, though, it capitalizes the E whenever I type Eskimo. But it won’t capitalize the W in white, will you now, machination of Bill Gates?

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But back to Global Warming, this year’s media moneymaker. You people aren’t listening to enough glam power metal and the earth is getting hotter.

You know how in a power metal song, the guitarists hair is always blowing around in the solo? Now I know you music nerd groupies think this is because of the cosmic powers of the E major 7th position during an arpeggiation musical notation masturbation simulation (In expert guitarist virtuoso terms a “widdly”), but it’s not. His hair is waving round like that because a stage hand is blowing a fan on him while he does the solo and the music producer has got him hooked on all kinds of nose powder and delusions of his bands grandeur, but mainly it’s the fan. Fans cool things down, right? And we’re all on the planet, aren’t we, except for astronauts and high jumpers? So fans cool the earth down! So make more cheese metal videos and we won’t have to worry about Global Warming because we’ll be using lots of fans, and cooling down the earth!

It’s just like what Bono has been saying all along! And the stoners! Music does heal the world! Big ups to the environmentalists Dragonforce, and Nile! Fuck yeah! Nile! Ruling shit! Best song ever: All of them! Especially Cast Down The Heretic and Unas The Slayer. Not to mention Black Seeds Of Vengeance and The Burning Pits Of The Duat. And Wrought. And Morbid Angel! Saving the planet with metal since the eighties! True the file and the planes we carry on, man! In woodwork class!

This earth healing hypothesis was put forth in the widely acclaimed book of the Susan Sarandon movie The Bog Delusion penned by the great scientologist Richard Dawkins. To quote directly from Dawkins:

“Since the beginning of our Creation on a cold winters morning, in a time before the light, when we rolled 3d6 for our character ability scores and persuaded the DM to let us be a dual classed warrior-cleric even though we only had eight constitution giving us a minus one penalty to our save vs. wands and poison, and our hit dice rolls, we have postulated the existence of Bog. But how has Bog affected our lives, on the wings of a dream, so far beyond reality, to lead us to Global Warming, through the fire and the flames? Is Global Warming the Creation of some all-loving, all-knowing Bog? The earth is getting hotter. The Polar Pop bears are dying. The Polish ice caps are melting, for freedom of ev-e-ry man. As the earth warms, more people will be eating ice blocks. Therefore more of the earths water will be in ice blocks, and not in the ground. Heretofore, ergo, according to scientology, which is almost science, and science is true, and the word true has four letters so is even, and being even is politically correct, the earth will be dry now because the water will be in peoples ice blocks. Therefore Bog cannot logically exist. So anyone who believes in Bog is clearly deluded. And they can’t be in my gang.”

Dawkins’ gang is The Porirua Posse. Bitchin’, yo.

I don’t mean to trip on yo FACES, so I better just chill and tie ma LACES. Hey homie, YO! I gotta learn to tie a BOW! 9

Dawkins also mentioned that he was unsure whether the guitar solo in Spirit In Black would heal the environment more than the Angel Of Death solo, because the Spirit In Black solo has the cool backwards bit, but the Angel Of Death solo is just straight up brutality, so far away, we wait for the day, and has that wicked kick drum interlude at the end, before going back into the chorus, through the fire and the flames, from a lacerated sky. He also told us that he did once consider the existence of Bog when he was a fratboy at Oxford, where a red day was dawning, and lightning cracked the sky, when he saw the awesome cult film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and King Arthur is talking to the woman who is knee deep in Bog and “all-knowing” about how to run the government by means of an autonomous collective, and refuses to obey him. Dawkins now claims this effect to be one of Terry Gilliams drawings, and definitely not verifiable proof of Bog. After further questioning Dawkins admitted to being on weed and mushies at the time, and asked us if we had ever watched, on weed of course, the part of Return Of The Jedi when Lando flies the Millenium Falcon into the Death Star, or listened to Dimebag’s wicked We’ll Meet Again solo off the Power Metal album on weed.

Dawkins also pointed out to us here at Salient that in Return Of The Jedi, Lando doesn’t even scratch the sides of the Millenium Falcon once when he flies in and out of the Death Star, which is incredibly unrealistic, because the cockpit (Not offensive to gays) is way on the right, and Lando hasn’t flown it in years since he lost it to Han Solo in that game of sabacc, far beyond the moonlight.

And had we ever seen a twenty dollar bill on weed, man?

This journalist did wonder whether he should ask Dawkins about the sexy-funny British fratboy behaviours that Stephen Fry described in his book The Liar, but didn’t quite have the bottle.

Unfortunately, Dawkins had to end the interview abruptly because he claimed he was being chased by a giant spaghetti monster.

However Dawkins is heterozygous toward Creationists, whom he really doesn’t tolerate at all. Day after day this misery must go on. I don’t get along very well with Creationists either – Oh no, I’m not being politically incorrect – it’s just because of what they are: a Creationist is someone who is sexist and racist toward other peoples creations.

We actually had a big argument at the Salient office because a couple of Creationists in the office didn’t want Dawkins to be in this column because he was politically incorrect, not only for his heterozygosity toward Creationists, but also because he has glasses, which is offensive to iridologists.

There are many who say that people wear glasses because they have bad eyes. That’s not very nice, is it! Why are you hassling peoples eyes, man? Maybe they like the glasses! I mean come on! You people are so insensitive! I mean some of you wear clothes, which is demeaning to strippers and nudists, who all dance, which is a stereotype, which is sexist to musicians, and Japanese people, who all make stereos, and kill whales, which is cheating. Another stereotype is the idea that men who drive fast in flash expensive cars have small penises. Some political analysts even go so far as to say that these men have no penises.

But maybe they’re driving fast so they can find their penises! Did you think of that? I would sure drive pretty fast if I left my penises somewhere. Or maybe they hang their penises out the window and drive really fast so the wind resistance will help them to elongate! This is a more environmentally friendly form of penises enlargement, and as a result slightly more politically correct than going to a plastic surgeon. Which is homo sapiens sapiens australopithecine to normal doctors, or G.P.s (Growers of Penises).

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  1. Frog Blog says:

    just wanted to express how painfully unfunny this guy is

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