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July 28, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Lol Internet with Mims: Freetards

As we all know the internet is a great place to find new friends around the world who share your interests – everything from fellow fans of your favourite book or movie to voraphiles (people with a sexual fetish for being eaten alive). One such community with an internet presence is the Childfree movement, a group of internet geeks who have bonded over their shared, perfectly valid decision never to have children. That’s not where the lol is. The lol is in the conspicuously batshit factions of the community who take their childfree identity just a little too far. These people are commonly known to lol connosieurs as the Freetards.

Freetards have a tendency to treat the mere existence of other people’s children as an insult against their own lifestyle. They have ‘charmng’ nicknames for parents (moo, duh) and their reviled children (crotchdropping, snotbeast, shitling just to name a few). Freetards have been known to complain about kids being at children’s movies, McDonalds and even at Disneyland. If a Freetard encounters a child in the course of their daily life, his or her usual reaction is to post a whiny rant on a site like http://community.livejournal.com/childfree where they talk about the kid’s perfectly normal behavoiur as though it was the worst thing that had ever happened to them. Take this example, from
http://community.livejournal.com/ childfree/9327887.html

“…I was buying acrylics at JoAnn’s Fabrics. As my boyfriend and I waited in line, a woman and her very fat son came up after us. Sonny Boy immediately notices the candy and begins harping on his mom to get him some. It’s OMG! So cheap! Only $0.39 for a chocolate bar, OMG! Whine whine whine. Plead plead plead. My boyfriend noticed me making a fist and put his arm around me to keep me from turning around and giving Sonny Boy a piece of my mind. He calmed me down enough that I could pay for my art supplies. Icing on the cake, however, was Sonny Boy’s final line, heard as we exited the store: ‘You were going to buy me a movie anyway…’”

Because hearing a kid ask for lollies is enough to ruin anyone’s day, amirite?

Probably the most infamous piece of childfree lols happened when Livejournal user “Railway” entered a Harry Potter costume competition at her local bookshop. The winner got the chance to open the shop’s first box of copies of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Railway, an adult and an epic Freetard, lost out to a five year old. Predictably, she was somewhat butthurt and proceeded to make a post in
http://community.livejournal.com/cf_hardcore that was soon to be heard (read?) around the world:

“… Showed up at 7, in full costume for a 9 am release. Devoted no? I was one of the few to dress up, and I was the bestdressed. I’m not being vain, I honestly had the most detailed and accurate costume there. We were told in line, that the bestdressed person in line gets to open the box and have the first Half-Blood Prince book. So, I’m a shoo-in, aren’t I? WRONG. Fucking moo brings her bratty sprog in at 8:59am dressed in a generic K-Mart cape with stars and glitter and fucking gaudy BLAH. Twig for a wand. OMG WITTLE PWESHUS SO CUTE OMG YOU CAN OPEN THE BOX AND HAVE THIS BOOK YOU CAN’T READ AND *fawning fawning, blatant breederism etc*

THE FUCKING KID WON’T EVEN REMEMBER THIS. THE BOX OPENING WAS MINE. MIIIIINE.

I didn’t stab her in the eye with my wand. I WANTED to. I talked about doing so VERY FUCKING LOUDLY. I was going to eviscerate her mother with the cover of my brand-new copy.”

You can read the entire post in all its infantile glory at
www.encyclopediadramatica.com/cf_hardcore. And if you want more Freetarded lolarity, go read http://community.livejournal.com/cf_hardcore/3672522.html and
http://community.livejournal.com/ childfree/8571377.html. Pure comedy gold

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

Comments (2)

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  1. Mint Chips says:

    Okay, I admit that HP blogger is waaay overreacting and could do with taking prozac, but I hate 5 year olds getting HP stuff & winning comps just cause they’re 5 years old. We grew up with Harry, they weren’t alive when the first few books were out! HPLO!

  2. Jermajesty says:

    Wow, these freetards deserve to get pregnant.

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