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July 14, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Political Correctness in 2000 and ate, Part II of IV

One group of people I am totally sick of is: You guessed it: racist white people. I can’t stand them, them and their dirty racism. So for all you non-whites, just to balance things up, and make up for the years of torment, I’ve got a joke for you:

“Why didn’t the white guy play basketball on Saturday?” “Because he owns the team!”

Ha! Take that, white people! How do ya like them apples, ya racist whiteys? Did you alert Salient readers know Adolf Hitler was white? I rest my case.

Why did the white guy have to get up so early? Because he has a job!!!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha take that you nazi racist whiteys, yeah!!!! Take it!!! How ya like me now, white boy?

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND THE GENDER ISSUE

On a more work related crime of poly tickle incorrectness, Il Bordello is hiring. Are they hiring women and men? No, they are just hiring women. That’s not fair! That’s politically incorrect! That’s racist to men! “Gentleman’s club”? I’m a gentleman. Why won’t they hire me? Why can’t a handsome, intelligent chap like you or me, or any other man even try to get a job there? Is there some physical appendage that we have that creates our inelligibility? Is there an organ or set of organs that we would need to posess in order to perform the duties in question? Of course not, it’s just racialist.

Which brings us to the infamous battle of the sexes. Now, one of the biggest movements towards political correctness was feminism, the wacky idea that women equal men and men equal women. But what does it equal? You can’t just have equals! So, what does it equal then? When you do maths you don’t just write “one plus one equals” do you? Of course not! So what do women equal? Two women together won’t make a man! Just like two men together won’t make a woman! That’s just crazy! Although maybe it means that if you have heaps of women together, then men will come along, because, hey, men are interested in women, well, at least the norm – Ha ha! Never mind! So if you have lots of men together, you can’t make a woman. I think some men are trying to, but I haven’t heard of any successes. I spent all of tonight hanging out with my male flatmates and no women showed up, even though we rock hard. I mean Dave is a level nine elf with a +3 two handed beserking sword, and Ron is a level eight half-orc barbarian with a strength of nineteen, and a +5 enchanted red dragons tooth crossbow. It does two extra fire damage per attack round, with no saving throw. Ron even scored a critical hit in the first round battling the orcs at Narrog – Agrar – D’Th’r-kosh, and no, he wasn’t even a bit phased when the twelve hit dice elemental from the plane of air was summoned by the level twenty orcish necromancer Ograr D’gur. Even though this amount of awesomeness reigns true in our flat, no women showed up. None have . . . for . . . well . . . Hey! Let’s focus on the issue here! The issue here, students . . . everyone . . . hey, where’s my beer??!!! AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHGHHHHHH!!! Oh, here we go. Sweeeeeeeeeeet. Aaahhhhhh. Well anyway, I’m so sorry to burst your bubble here, but women does not = men. And men definitely does not = women. Now let’s not beat the bush about. Unless it’s George Bush, he deserves a good beating. Plus he looks pretty skinny, I reckon I could take him if I did some stretching and jump rope beforehand, not more than ten seconds or so though, cos I’d get tired, but yeah, I could waste him if I did that. And if my mates were there. And his mates weren’t. And if he was asleep. And tied up.

Now I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking: “Come on Guy, according to AD&D Third Edition rules, elves can’t use two handed swords! Especially not a beserking sword! And elves and half-orcs would never be in the same party!”

Well why can’t an elf use a two handed sword? And why can’t an elf and a halforc be in the same party? That is so racist! See why I’m so sick of all this political incorrectness? Next you’ll be telling me that it’s ethnically insensitive to DM an adventure wherein level eight and nine characters fight a level twenty character, when the cut-off point is level thirteen! But what about equal opportunities! And they didn’t know he was level twenty! All of you need to stop being hydrophobic to half-orcs! Don’t be such a thermophiliac!

For those of you who don’t know, a thermophiliac is a person who starts a really boring but “intelligent” conversation at a party and everyone makes their excuses and turns around to go somewhere else in the party. This movement is what scientists call a hydration shell.

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