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July 28, 2008 | by  | in Opinion |
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Videogames and Pyramid Breasts

Girls play videogames. And when I say videogames, I mean The Sims. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with The Sims. I played The Sims once. I made little pixel versions of Neo and Trinity and they made a baby called Ninity and then my friends told me that spending half a party playing The Sims in a corner was anti-social so I stopped. The Sims are great, really, but sometimes, and I know this is true for other female gamers, I feel like playing a game with a couple more balls.

My personal favourites include Hitman: Blood Money, God of War, Devil May Cry 3 and Soul Calibur III. But let’s be honest here. It is not ‘balls’ that these games have. After all, none of the male characters in these games show off a particularly risqué amount of skin – let alone their great, hairy, genre-defining testicles. Instead what we see in these games are breasts. ‘Tits and arse’, if you will.

Soul Calibur is your classic arcade fighting game – two steps above Tekken in my opinion, but I won’t open up that debate [Sub-Ed: Good idea, because you’re wrong] – and as such it is presumed that only male gamers play it. At least I hope that is what is being presumed, unless the creators are under the impression that female gamers alike are gratified by the sight of Taki’s huge, physics-defying breasts bouncing through the air in what must be the most painful animation ever envisioned, every time the poor ninja-woman attempts to take a step. They’re just freaking huge.

But okay, we can accept that, some women – even professional ninjas, I’m sure – do in fact have enormous breasts. But is the skintight suit really, really necessary? Is it even practical? Could anyone with half a brain or a sober mind claim that it makes sense to fight men with swords bigger than themselves while wearing nothing but blue spandex? Oh, and might I add that in the fourth edition of the game she does in fact acquire some sort of leather armour, but that armour conveniently covers only the area around her sturdy, impenetrable breasts.

I think it’s time I came to a point here, but surely you can see it. The fact is that more women are playing video games. They play them just as well and just as diligently as male gamers, but the characters and stories they are forced to play are often quite simply disgusting. 84% of videogame characters are male. When female characters do appear they are usually bystanders, victims, stereotypical ‘nurturers’ and/or barely clothed.

The height of this gender-bias (or if you’d like to be less PC – sexism) within the videogame industry can be seen in the character Lara Croft. Lara was considered a revolution in herself. Look at her. She’s a FEMALE character – a female MAIN character at that, who can do physical things like swing on ropes and hold her breath for long amount of time.

She also has PYRAMID BREASTS. They double as a flotation device! Let me show you how Lara is generally considered by the gaming community. The Register, an IT news site, had the following to speculate on the latest Tomb Raider game: “Lara Croft’s breasts are to get a boost for the new version of Tomb Raider. According to the game’s designers, her 38D assets will be given ‘more definition’. They won’t necessarily be bigger but will have added detail – so, presumably they will look bigger. We’re also waiting on an answer as to whether this extra ‘detail’ will include nipples.”

If girl gamers must chose a representative, allow me to veto Lara Croft from the start. Give us a female version of Agent 47, dressed in a suit with a freaky ass barcode on her bald head and a shotgun under her jacket. Let’s see a female soldier in Battlefield, or a female Russian immigrant in GTA with an accent as cool as Niko’s, as well as equally substantial clothes. Let’s realise that women are gamers too, and they are not eye-candy serving victims anymore.

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  1. chuck norris says:

    Heather from Silent Hill 3 would be my choice for a female gaming rep. She dresses and is proportioned like a normal person and behaves as such. You should look her up.

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